37 replies to this topic

[The Arbiter]

Saw it in a theater with D-Box seats which move and gyrate to onscreen activity. Can affirm that this is the greatest movie ever made. Whole theater was cheering like madmen.

 

The tribute to Paul Walker at the very end was a really nice touch. It was a pleasant and fitting goodbye.

[Ocelot]

Hey, you guys smell that? It smells like... hmm... IT SUH-MEEEEEEEEEEEL-LA-LA-LA-LA-LAS LIKE WHAT THE ROCK IS COOKING! Specifically, a couple of interesting articles breaking down exactly what The Rock eats every day:

 

 

And the exact meal breakdown:

DWAYNE JOHNSON'S DIET

MEAL 1

10 oz cod

2 whole eggs

2 cups oatmeal

MEAL 2

8 oz cod

12 oz sweet potato

1 cup veggies

MEAL 3

8 oz chicken

2 cups white rice

1 cup veggies

MEAL 4

8 oz cod

2 cups rice

1 cup veggies

1 tbsp fish oil

MEAL 5

8 oz steak

12 oz baked potato

spinach salad

MEAL 6

10 oz cod

2 cups rice

salad

MEAL 7

30 grams casein protein

10 egg-white omelet

1 cup veggies (onions, peppers, mushrooms)

1 tbsp omega-3 fish oil

 

 

The Rock eats EIGHT HUNDRED AND TWENTY ONE POUNDS OF COD per year. And 5000 calories a day! How do you even get that much food inside you? Like, logistically, that has to be more food than a human stomach could actually hold, right? What horrors The Rock's toilet must have seen...

 

My favourite part, quotes from the man himself:

► “I do cardio 4–5 a.m., then take 4–6 scoops of Optimum’s Amino Energy.”

► “After cardio I eat breakfast [Meal no. 1].”

► “After breakfast I hit the iron for 90 minutes.”

► “Post-workout I have 60 grams Optimum Nutrition’s Platinum Hydrowhey with 15 grams of glutamine.”

► “Thiry minutes later I consume 32 oz of Gatorade.

 

 

"Hit the iron" is a phrase I've never heard anyone but The Rock use, and he actually says it word for word in Furious 7, which has me further convinced that he doesn't actually act in these movies. They just point a camera at him while he goes about his daily activities. Occasionally they'll stage a car chase or a fight scene near him, and he'll just react accordingly, because he is The Rock.

[Yava]

"Hit the iron" is a phrase I've never heard anyone but The Rock use, and he actually says it word for word in Furious 7, which has me further convinced that he doesn't actually act in these movies. They just point a camera at him while he goes about his daily activities. Occasionally they'll stage a car chase or a fight scene near him, and he'll just react accordingly, because he is The Rock.

Supposedly he has a stunt double in these movies but I'm 99% sure that's the only time he acts in these movies. He acts as if he's a stunt double for himself!

 

Look he's so good he even puts on prosthetics and can pose WITH HIMSELF!

[Ocelot]

Oh, beeteedubz, in the ten days since Furious 7 (the greatest movie ever made) came out, it's made EIGHT HUNDRED MILLION DOLLARS. To put that in perspective, the current record holder for the fastest billion dollar earner, Avengers, took a whole 19 days to reach that milestone. I'm not saying that Furious 7 is definitely going to claim that record, but oh man it really seems like it's going to claim that record. And it bloody well deserves it, because it's an absolutely magnificent movie.

 

Also remarkable: they did it without 3D! Movies like Avengers and Avatar made huge money from the inflated ticket prices for 3D screenings, while Furious 7 had to pick itself up by its bootstraps and do it all the old-fashioned way, up-hill both ways and probably in the snow.

[Ocelot]

Well, the results are in, and the record books are currently being re-written to give appropriate recognition to the universally-agreed-upon greatest movie ever made: Furious 7 has taken one billion dollars from the world's pockets in a scant seventeen days.

 

But, wait, are we still talking about Furious 7 here? Hah, you guys are so old-fashioned. Naw, son, lemme tell you about FURIOUS 8!

 

Vin Diesel announced it on stage at Cinema Con, which is apparently a thing, saying, "We're going to make the best movie you've ever seen". So MARK YOUR CALENDARS, BUSTERS!

 

 

Spoiler

Alright, I may have bumped this topic just so I could use that gif, but can you blame me? A greased up Statham dancing like a disco chimpanzee? It's the greatest thing I've ever seen!

[Ambad]

I want them to keep making these movies forever. Like, I want a grizzled old Vin Diesel to show up years down the road, when all the kids are racing their suped-up electric an compressed air cars, and he just pulls up in this massive, fossil fuel burning monstrosity, his voice even lower and more gravely than the car's engine, and he's just like "Get off my lawn..."

[Ocelot]

I was going to post this in the general movie news topic, but then I remembered that I started the best topic on this forum and it would be a shame to let it go to waste. Ladies and gentlemen, the latest entry in the best cinematic universe to grace the silver screen is coming:

 

 

 

Snowmobiles, explosions, Charlize Theron, The Rock: what else is there in life? Excuse me while I go and clear my schedule for the next five years.

 

EDIT - UNGH!

 

 

DOM'S GONE BAD! This is basically an extinction-level event for the Fast & Furious universe. This is World War Hulk all over again. Dom is an indestructible, godlike being in these movies, and now Charlize Theron has convinced him to turn heel! AND EVERYONE HAS TO FIGHT HIM! How do they keep outdoing themselves, you guys?

 

[God-Emperor Thrawnie]

get on that hype train

[Ocelot]

We all about Hype Submarines now, son

 

[Risk]

How do we go from a cheesy 2000's street racing movie to THIS?

[The Doctor]

How do we go from a cheesy 2000's street racing movie to THIS?

 

It was never a cheesy 2000's street racing movie. It was always Vin Diesel's personal fantasies splattered onto a film reel. This entire series is the most spectacular documentation of a man's rapid ascent into sheer fabulous insanity in all of human history.

[Ocelot]

The Fast and the Furious was just a practice run. They had another go at it with 2 Fast 2 Furious, but that didn't really do it, either. No, the series truly starts with Tokyo Drift, and then it starts again even harder at Fast Five. 5, 6 and 7 are basically their own sub-series within the larger saga.

 

btw, it's no coincidence that the best ones in the series have The Rock in them. That man is a living treasure.

 

 

The Rock is a mysterious concoction of charisma and steroids moulded into the approximate shape of a human, and I love him dearly.

[God-Emperor Thrawnie]

 

The Rock is a mysterious concoction of charisma and steroids molded into the approximate shape of a human, and I love him dearly.

 

I think pro wrestling is just about the dumbest thing ever but I watch it religiously whenever he's involved.

 

 

The man is the living embodiment of a stat of 25 CHA.

 

[Risk]

When are they gonna say "screw it" and go into space like Cawadudey? I think that's the only envelope left to push here.

[Ocelot]

Alternate theory: Charlize Theron is playing the literal Devil. Dom has made a deal with her to bring Giselle and Han back from the dead. They were sent to Hell after their lives of stylish, international crime ended, i.e. The Fate of the Furious.

 

Dom is forced to do the Devil's bidding, which involves betraying his family and doing sick action stuff because that's rad. However, Dom's conscience won't let him continue, and he eventually rebels and goes back to his team. Satan/Charlize (Charluzifer?) is understandably miffed, and now Vin and the Family Diesel must come up with a plan to send The Devil back to Hell. With cars.

 

The Faust and the Furious, coming to a cinema near you.

[Herbert]

So the movie could be Charlize' Devils?

[Ocelot]

I'm sorry, you guys, did you think this was a series about streetracing in cars? Ah hah. Ah hah hah hah haaaaa!

 

 

I kind of wish I hadn't watched that, because I feel like it might give the whole movie away, but OH MY GOD I NEED TO SEE THIS MOVIE SO HARD! Did you see all the things that happened? Charlize Theron drove TEN THOUSAND CARS AT ONCE. Someone set off some kind of grenade bomb, and The Rock CAUGHT ONE OF THEM. Jason Statham wingsuited out of a plane INTO ANOTHER PLANE!

 

THE ROCK REDIRECTED A LIVE TORPEDO AT A BAD GUY! When I first saw that scene I thought he might be about to surf the torpedo and I swear to God I would have actually died.

[Ocelot]

I... I didn't like it, you guys.

 

It felt like an off-brand pretender to the throne or something. The tone was all over the place; there's one thing I'll get into in the spoilers that was so out of place for such a light-hearted, goofy series that more or less ruined it for me. The action was good and fun, but everything between the action scenes was... rubbish. There was one bit where The Rock forces some government agent guy to barrack for his daughter's soccer team that actually made me feel bad for The Rock having to say those lines; I thought I'd accidentally walked into a Michael Bay movie or something. They cast Imperator Furiosa herself in the franchise about driving cars, and she spends the whole movie standing near computers making her intense face. Later on she and the good guy hacker have a hack fight, which is accomplished by each of them typing at their computers and saying things like "Oh, she's good".

 

They have this schmuck of a character played by Scott Eastwood, who just kind of shows up on the good guy team for no reason. He's Kurt Russell's underling, yet he gets to go out and drive cars with the squad? No, man. You have to earn your spot. What's worse is that he's just a nothing character; I spotted his car at the end of the final action scene and I honestly couldn't even remember if he'd actually done anything the whole time. That putz might have inherited his Dad's face, but he didn't get any of the movie star material. I don't want to see him in Fast 9.

 

Lastly, I don't come to these movies for snappy writing, but when your characters are about to be pulverized by a Russian submarine and the best reaction line you can manage is "THAT'S NOT GOOD! OH THAT'S NOT GOOD!", you need to step back and take a look at yourselves. You can do better than this, Fast & Furious writers. Not much better, but better than this.

 

OK let's do spoilers:

 

Spoiler

So the reason Dom goes bad is that Charlize has captured Elena, the pretty Brazilian cop that Dom shacked up with after Fast Five. He kicked her to the curb when Lettie came back, but this movie retcons a baby into the picture. Apparently Dom knocked her up, and she didn't want to tell him about it because reasons; long story short, Dom has a son now, and that's Charlize's leverage over him to make him be a bad guy.

 

But when Dom doesn't deliver the nuclear football he just stole straight to her the way she wanted, she SHOOTS ELENA IN THE DAMN HEAD! Like, what? These movies are the tamest, most lighthearted, cheeseball cartoons. This is the series that rewrote its own timeline because they regretted killing off Han in 3. Hell, they don't even kill their villains any more; the bad guys from 6 and 7 are now good guy team members. Shooting the mother of Dom's child in the head in cold blood is way over the line.

 

Ocelot's Official Fast and/or Furious Series Tier List:

 

God tier: 5, 6, 7

 

Pretty great tier: Tokyo Drift

 

Eh, you could have done better tier: 4, 8

 

You don't need to watch these ones tier: 1, 2