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Part 4: A week late, but still fresh!

Posted by Nightstalker, 25 February 2017 · 1,626 views

Hello residents of SSLF!
And welcome back to another issue of of, "On Fantastical Funnies." I might be a week late on this post, but everything is still fresh! So sit back, grab some snacks, and get ready for another trip into the mind of insanity!
31) A picture for a different age.
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- During a small period of time in my life, it seemed as though vampires vs. werewolves became really popular. While not as popular as the, "zombie," movement, it always seemed as though these two powerful beings could not coexist together. And of course, in all of these situations, humanity was woefully helpless! It got to the point where you might as well have made it a gambling game. Who was going to come out on top? Honestly, most of those kinds of movies seemed pretty crappy as the portrayal of humanity, werewolf, and vampire was pretty much meh. Anyways, you get my point. I'm certain there is a particular werewolf lurking the forums that could dive way more into this in an academic way.
32) Wizards and their beards.
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- Some of the greatest wizards of all time, have epic beards. For a lot of old games, whenever you saw the wizard what did you see? You saw the shining magical object for the class, a flowing garment with huge wizards sleeves, and the sign of greatness, the wizard beard. Between wizards and dwarfs, I'm beginning to think that a lot of power is tied to having a great beard. Let's play another game! How many wizards can you name that have epic beards? I know I certainly have a bunch on my list. The only exception seems to be if you're an elf, but hey, "We'z gotz no 'oomz 'or dem' 'nife ear'd gits!"
33) The problem with being a minion.
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- Imagine for a moment that you are the evil villain. The hero has already embarked on their quest and is at least 15 hours into it, so they've got some shiny trinkets and some skills. More importantly, they've killed at least a cities worth of your minions. You find out that the hero is on their way to next critical location. What's your first choice? Dispatch more minions! Sure, they might be higher leveled minions, but they're the same guys you've been throwing at the hero since the beginning of the adventure. By now, the hero can dance around them like a ballerina and make them look bad. At that point, why the heck are the minions even going to battle? Eventually the term minion becomes synonymous with, "Free Experience Points." These guys have no chance, yet you keep seeing them. I mean, even at the very end when you're about to fight the big baddy, these base level minions still show up to fight alongside the elite ones. You really want to say, "Step aside, I've got more important people to slay than you," but no they still come after you. Then again, I guess if they weren't mindless in the first place, the adventure would be far less exciting.
34) A message for you aspiring heroes and heroines.
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- For anyone who has played an MMO, you've done your fair share of murdering farm animals. In a lot of fantasy titles, you begin near farms. What is the first quest? Go kill ten boars/cows/squirrels/rabbits/sheep/rats/goats/pigs/chickens/quail/etc. And since this is quest one in a game where millions of people are playing, take that million and multiply it by ten. For each of these games that exists, at least 10 million farm animals die. I don't know about you, but that's enough for a crap load of feasts! Even the ones that aren't there for quest kills get wiped out. How many times have you been standing around waiting for your party to arrive so you just decide to kill whatever is around you. At some point, some one has to say something about this. So yeah, this is for all of the settlements in those games.
35) Why can't they be resurrected?
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- You just met the big baddy of the game for the first time. You have no chance of killing him. So, you inevitably get your heroic @$$ kicked. Fortunately for you, your party manages to get out before you all die... mostly. On the way out, one of the more senior members gets killed. "Okay, no problem!" You say to yourself as you rush back to have the village healer bring them back to life. You've fought some harry battles before and teammates have died. But hey! The village healer can bring anyone back from death. WRONG! This time you lug your teammates corpse in. "Hey can you bring her back to life? We still have an adventure to go on!" You say as you're getting packed up. The healer stares at her for a good second, "I'm sorry my friend, but she has passed, and cannot come back."
"Wait... why?"
"I beg your pardon?"
"You've brought her back to life a million times before. What's different?"
"She's dead..."
"Yeah, I know, she also died when we fought the spider that swallowed her and killed her with stomach acid. Remember when we brought you that acid burned corpse?"
"That was different!"
"How!? She just has a stab wound!"
"I'm sorry, but I just can't."
Yeah, old games that did this pissed me off so much. It literally breaks the immersion in the world for me when this happens. Thankfully, newer titles seem to avoid this more (they just suffer from sooo many additional issues).
36) So You Wanna Be An Evil Villain?
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- Where the heck do evil villains find their lieutenants? I mean, these guys seem to pop out of nowhere. Do they hire these guys? Do people apply to be a lieutenant? I could see it now. Come into the evil villains lair dressed in a business attire. You've got your resume written on the skin of dead humans. I bet they're super corporate with their process. Honestly, you could make a comic entirely around an evil villain building up their lair, acquiring lieutenants, minions, and other nasty, evil things. So that's how this one came about.
37) Wall food.
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- So, you're walking through the dark fortress and you encounter another enemy mob near the boss room. You manage to dispatch the mob, but you're kind of low on health and want to top off. However, using a potion right now will put in on cool down (that or you're low on them to begin with). You lean against a wall in deep thought, but the wall moves a little. This could be a secret, so you decide to smash the wall! And on the other side, is a pot roast, ready to bring back the health of an aspiring hero! STOP! Where the heck did that come from? Who put it there? How long has that been there? How is it still fresh? Why is this right before the boss? Is it poisoned? All of these are logical questions that you DON'T ask because you are now back at full health and ready for the final encounter. If you haven't played a game like Castlevania, or any beat'em up that has inanimate objects dropping food then this will seem odd to you. In old games, food was a great restorative. Just got stabbed in the chest? Eat a roast chicken, you'll be fine! I don't know what force is responsible for this, but whoever is... thank you for making hot and ready, anti-mold, anti-bacteria food that can restore my life for the boss fight!
38) They're never going to finish that message.
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- Have you ever noticed that when your character must receive an important message from a dying figure, they never receive it? Hey, you're the next he... *dead.* Your father was the Ki... *dead.* Find the Stone of We... *dead.* I mean come on! If you managed to last this long to see me, certainly you can choke out that last word and help me out. Nope! Guess you'll never find out that really important plot point until the villain inevitably reveals it to you, later in the game.
39) Mimics...
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- Yeah you better run! That's all I had for that one...
40) Assassinations that backfire.
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- So, in a certain, popular, RPG, I had a quest to kill someone's boss, because they were a complete jerk. Now, me being the filthy rich adventurer, I decided I was just going to face roll him in the middle of the workplace. So I open the door, and there he is, being a jerk to the person who hired me. So what do I do? I just run up and kill the guy. Next thing I know, the person who hired me to kill the guy is screaming murder, and alerting the guards. Hold up, you asked me to kill the guy, now you're going to get me thrown in jail! Oh you are definitely on the list. Yeah, just another stupid story of mine that prompted this Funny. Honestly, there are a bunch of these that exist because of random things that happened while playing a game like Oblivion or Skyrim.
Well, these were short and sweet. Stay tuned next weekend for when I drop ten more on you guys. Also, stay tuned for Fantasy Funnies sometime this week. I gotta get caught up from the last weekend. Until then, have a nice week!
As usual
C&C is always welcome and appreciated!!!

January 2021

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