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Part 1: Yes, this is now a thing...

Posted by Nightstalker, 07 January 2017 · 498 views

Hello good Freebies, Novas, Mods, and Admins of SSLF!
My name is Nick, and this is possibly the first blog I have ever created, and one that I intend to keep going for a while.
So, without further ado, let me fully explain what this is.
A while back, I got this idea of making a bunch of captions with LEGO simply to poke at weird things in fantasy. This included RPGs, TTGs, movies, books, and much much more. Little did I know, a good group of people actually managed to get some laughter out of this. Since then, I pretty much decided to just roll with it and keep the funnies going. As of today, 281 funnies have been made. They cover a wide variety of topics, all of which I have seemed to run into at some point. I figured that this would also give me the chance to also show off a large amount of my minifig collection as well. I was actually surprised by the number of people that asked where I got most of the custom designs from (free advertisement for SSLF). But none of this matters right now. The question is, what the heck are you reading?
You are about to read what was going through my head for each and every funny. Some of have some good explanations, others, not so much. However, I hope to share just a little bit about what goes on in between those posts, so grab a snack and enjoy! I will try to cover 10 of these per post.
1) Male Armor vs. Female Armor
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- Here is where it all started! The good, old argument of male armor vs. female armor. If you are new to fantasy, this is a common, game trope. If most games you have this lovely stat called armor rating. It is the total number of armor gained from each piece of equipment. Now what we have in the picture above is two characters in heavy armor. Now, you would think that the guy in all plate armor would have higher defense. Think again! Apparently light leg armoring, and a plate bikini are higher tier than your armor. But, she's practically naked! Yeah, I am quite aware. The grand inspiration for this has come from playing World of Warcraft. Now for all of you vets and current players, I am not referring to recent in game gear. Long ago, female characters had armored lingerie to look forward to as they leveled up, while male characters just received more armor, and insanely huge shoulders. This was my attempt at capturing this phenomena.
2) What does the town guard do?
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- To answer the question above, they die. Have you ever noticed that the town guard never solves any of the land's problems. You enter a city and the first person you run into hands you a quest to go and rescue one of their family members from bandits. Okay, let's think about this for a moment. Imagine, if you will, you just arrive in your town, and want to ask for directions to the nearest, good place to eat. Instead, the first you talk to asks you to help them save their wife/son/daughter from criminals who took their family member hostage. "Holy crap that's terrible," you say, "let me go get the police!" So you find your nearest officer and his response is, "Good evening citizen!" You try to tell him, but he does not seem to hear you out. Oh well, guess I have to do something about it! That is basically how this seems to work. I recall the war missions in Skyrim, where apparently I was the only person who could win the war. Wait a second, both sides have countless soldiers at their disposal. Why didn't they send one of them? The answer, because you are the hero. Go figure...
3) Minion dilemma...
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- Evil villains have it rough, especially with their minions. Now, I am not talking about their named underlings, I mean those nameless guys that live for the sole purpose of being added to the hero's kill number. After a point in time, you encounter harder to kill minions, but the same terrible idiots will still be present. What's worse is that these idiots, who are usually better trained than a level 1 hero will typically get slaughter from the get go. I mean, is it really that hard to find good minions? I am almost certain, in most games, you run into those enemies that are a pain in the butt to deal with. For example, I always despised enemies that could just insta-spam powerful magic (thinking of those Arch-Conjurers from Skyrim). Where are those guys to thwart the hero? Why does the villain not have an army of those guys, despite his/her "infinite power?" Instead, they just get these guys, who paint the battlefield in a lovely, red color.
4) So, you're new to open world games...
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- I remember playing TES IV: Oblivion for the first time. You could loot everything (basically). Spoons, forks, plates, bones, plants; if it was not bolted to the floor I had it. After you took everything like a kleptomaniac you find the shopkeeper and dump all of your junk out. Now, I know the AI has no thoughts, but if it did, they would probably be complaining about all of this garbage you just brought for sale, that they have to accept. Granted, most of it is probably just going to be given away, but it is still obnoxious. For example, the armor smith that had to buy 100 calipers from me. What does he need this junk for? I think I would love to see a game where the AI can just flat out refuse to buy garbage.
5) The heroic steed gone wrong...
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- This one was just random. Typically the hero has some form of heroic mount that is loyal, obedient, and a faithful friend. Sounds like a horse, right? Well, what if you tried that with a centaur? Never seen it have you? You will never see a centaur as the hero's mount. I had a couple of folks tell me that they tried to pull this off in TTGs and always failed (unless they were playing as a female character, go figure). That is about all the thought that went into that one.
6) Farm Boys: The Greatest Threat to Villainy!
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- Ah yes, farm boys! These little children are the worst threat to all of villainy. By now, you would think that villains would just naturally avoid messing with random farmers, and leaving their lone son (who probably is not actually their son, but the king... we'll get back to this) alive. This then sparks the epic quest to slay the villain! Mind you, this kid has no idea how to fight, has zero experience, and has zero friends with combat experience, but that does not matter. He will succeed through a loop hole in the cosmic system. Which brings me to the picture above. If you are evil, and you are going to raze a village, kill all of the farm boys first. Trust me, if you kill them all, chances are that you will not have to hunt down the hero later.
7) Giant things and feet
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- Have you ever noticed, particularly when fighting large enemies, you will only ever strike their feet. There was a cool game that came out a while ago called Dragon's Dogma that broke this notion. Now, while this is not a game review, I was implore you to play it just because the combat is unlike any other fantasy game. In this game, you could literally climb on large enemies to attack weak spots and cause massive damage. Now, let's take a look at another game, such as WoW, Skyrim, Oblivion, Dark Souls, Bloodborne, or any Final Fantasy for that matter. When you encounter giant enemies, you slice at the feet and kill it. That's it. No need to poke an eye out, stab it in the heart, or gut it, just cut the feet. Even if the monster has armor on their feet, screw it! Just attack the feet! They will topple eventually!
8) Ninja Looters
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- I believe this was my first social based funny. There are games that exists that have legacy loot systems. These systems drop a piece of loot, and anyone in the group can grab it. That is where Ninjas come in. This is typically a problem in older MMOs and multiplayer games. You go through a hard encounter and then the loot drops. Before anyone has a chance to see the drops, NINJA! Some person in the party nabs it in runs off with it, leaving the party salty. I use to play Star Wars Galaxies, back when it was still running. I had a quest to raid a droid factory on Mustafar. Now for those who did not play this game, raids were... bad. But hey, I managed to get a group, because I was searching for one item. That item, was a Devastator Lava Cannon. So we struggled through multiple boss fights and reach the encounter where this item drops. Guess what, we killed the boss, and the item dropped. Before the group lead could even get to the loot, some ninja just grabs it! Furthermore, they could not even use the weapon because it was commando specific only. I was the sole commando in the group and had even said this was the only item I was looking for. Luckily, with enough arguing, I managed to get it, but it was just a pain to go through. That is why no one likes Ninjas.
9) The dreaded pause button/key
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- We've all had that moment, where we're about to die. This is the toughest enemy we've run into and the minute he hit me with that hammer my health bar dropped to 15/200. The enemy is saying, "I got this by the @$$!" Then it happens, time magically stops. When time flows again, you are now at 200/200 health. The fight continues, you cast your spells, you've done considerably damage, but now you're out of mana/magic (OOM). Time pauses again, then returns. You have your magic, and the enemy is about to die. This is the natural ability of heroes to "pause the game." It literally can prevent death and cheat the bad guys out of a great victory. The main thing that I thought made this funny is think about this if this world were real. You're in the middle of the battle and need to use an item. So, you yell, "Pause! I gotta check my inventory for something!" So the enemy stops mid attack, impatiently waiting to return to battle. Honestly, even when thinking about it now, it still makes me laugh.
10) Evil Lairs: Where do they come from?
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- Evil lairs are quite an interesting topic. Most of them are in horrific places that are home to lava, dangerous enemies, swamps (ugh), and other vile things. However, one question I always had was, "Who built this here?" Think about it. Before this dark castle existed at the top of a volcano, nothing was here. You don't see any slaves around, just a bunch of evil guards, evil statues of the villain, and well, lava. Where did the materials come from for this place? Who was the master architect? The villain clearly does not have the time to study evil architecture; he's got scheming to do. So where does it all come from? For those that have prisoners or slaves, you could argue that they built it, but usually those are just a bunch of enslaved peasants. Okay, so the named underlings came up with the plans. Really? You expect me to believe that the orc warrior, with the big battleaxe and all the scars is a master in architecture as well as battle. An evil lair designing corporation? Well, we don't have evidence saying they exist. You can't find them either. More research is needed for this one.
Well, I hope you enjoyed this entry. I will try to get this up every other weekend. If you all have any feedback, want to throw out some opinions, thoughts, or evil messages feel free to. 
Hope you all have a very lovely weekend!

January 2021

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