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#486428 SSLF's #1 Reylo Shipping Thread, feat. Star Wars

Posted by Ocelot on Today, 08:08 AM

Oh hey you guys, I just watched this really old movie called The Empire Strikes Back, and, I don't know, I guess it was fine if you like that kind of thing, but personally I can't enjoy a movie that has so many PUHLAAAAAWTHOOOOOLES.


- It starts off with Luke riding around this dangerous ice planet on some dumb muppet or something, and then, almost immediately, he gets clobbered by a giant ice monster. Yet it's clearly shown that there are big floating snow cars back at their base, so why wouldn't he just be driving one of those around? What an obvious contrivance. Oh, but I guess we're just supposed to ignore Saturday morning cartoon level writing like that, right? Psh.


- Luke is left hanging from the icy ceiling of the monster's cave (I guess the monster has ice powers too? Gimme a break...), and we see him struggle to pull his lightsabre to him. Struggle! Wookieepedia clearly states that it has been three years since A New Hope; are we to believe he still hasn't mastered this simplest of Jedi techniques all that time later?


- Why would the Empire land so far away from the Rebel base? They could just have dropped their AT-ATs closer and they would have easily killed all the Rebels. And why would they use walking machines that have such long legs that could be tripped so easily? It doesn't take a genius to know the Rebels would just try and knock them over. They should have used tanks.


- So Luke just accidentally lands right next to Yoda's hut on Dagobah? A whole planet, and he hits not just the right continent, not just the right post code, but like ten feet away? That's too unbelievable, I'm sorry.


- WHOSE IDEA WAS IT TO HAVE THEM FLY INTO A SPACE WORM? What a waste of time! What, they just accidentally fly in and then fly straight out again? It adds nothing to the movie. Ugh.


- Luke goes into a spooky cave full of snakes (uh, shouldn't they be alien species? What is this just on Earth or something?) and fights Darth Vader in slow motion like it's The Matrix or something. Star Wars doesn't use slow motion. Didn't they even watch A New Hope?


- Alright, the dumbest part of all: Han Solo tricks the whole Empire by just landing on the back of a Star Destroyer and nobody is clever enough to work out what's going on? He's right there! You could just look out the space window and see him! I can't believe they expect us to believe the Empire would fall for such a stupid trick.


- There just happens to be a planet nearby for Han Solo to reach, that just happens to be run by an old friend of his. Yeah, OK, whatever. But did this planet also have to be the slapstick comedy planet, where C-3PO gets sworn at by a silver C-3PO, and then some gross little goblins play keepaway when Chewie tries to pick up all his bodyparts? Threepio ruins literally every scene with his stupid 'comedy' lines. Even when Han Solo is getting frozen he just yaps away about how he can't see. It totally goes against the tone of the scene.


- Why would Darth Vader blast Luke out that window when he was trying to keep him alive to bring him to the Emperor? And why didn't he just Force Pull Luke back up to the platform after Luke jumped off? He should have just got someone to bring him the schematics of Cloud City to see where that shaft led so he could go and get Luke.


- And then, what, Luke saves himself by just calling out to Leia? Like the Force is a walkie talkie or something? Talk about your deus ex machinas. Oh, and they just give him a new hand at the end? What was the point of him losing it, then?


So yeah, I mean, I guess it had strong characters and enjoyable writing and you could conceivably have a fun time if you just turned your brain off, but if you judge it by the only parameter that matters, which is of course whether the nitty-gritty details of its plot are 100% airtight when exposed to scrutiny, you'll see it clearly falls well short. Y'know, these blockbuster movies are so lazy these days, just sold to the slobbering masses who want their popcorn and their special effects. I'm sorry, but I like a bit of effort put into my movies.



#486423 SSLF's #1 Reylo Shipping Thread, feat. Star Wars

Posted by Ocelot on 16 January 2018 - 05:02 AM

Rey is the rebellious teen daughter who wants to follow the guidance of her father figure, Luke, but feels inexorably drawn to the bad boy in her life, Kylo Ren. Kylo, for his part, feels that same desire, that forbidden love for a girl from the wrong side of the tracks. Luke catches the two of them together and explodes with anger, but Rey defies her father and runs out of the house to meet her true love. Kylo isn't quite ready to give in and tells his Dad (Snoke) about them, but when Snoke forces him to break up with her, Kylo realises that he truly loves Rey. With both their fathers out of the way, they throw caution to the wind and have wild, uninhibited (metaphorical) sex in the throne room.
The Last Jedi: A Star Wars Love Story... from a certain point of view.

#486417 SSLF's #1 Reylo Shipping Thread, feat. Star Wars

Posted by Ocelot on 15 January 2018 - 12:47 AM

Delivery for SSLF. It says it's "Your new favourite gif" and it's from "Your pal Ocelot"? Sign here, please.



#486413 SSLF's Official Year of Devil May Cry 5 Thread

Posted by Ocelot on 13 January 2018 - 09:27 PM

Hah, yeah, I love that guy. One of the best things I ever read from him was back when he was being interviewed about Okami:


I think the whole focus-group thing is not the way to make a game, because you start to bring in other people's opinions and lose some of the originality. For Viewtiful Joe, we brought in some kids to a focus test and asked them, "What do you think of the characters?" And all the kids said, "Oh, his head's too big," or "Silvia's annoying, I just want to kill her." They were just trashing the game, so I just got pissed off and said I'm not changing anything.


He's one of my favourite video game directors, but in this case I have to disagree with him, because oh man I just want a proper DEVIL MAY CRY. I'm starving. I'm dying of thirst in a desert of no Devil May Cries. I mean, if we'd actually been getting regular Devil May Cries every couple of years then it might be time to revitalise the series, but I've been waiting TEN YEARS since DMC4. Just let me have this, man. Just let me have this.
That said, I definitely wouldn't object to a little bit more of a cinematic presentation for DMCV. I've got no probs with some jazzed up camerawork and better character models. A bit of influence from Ninja Theory's reboot in the style department wouldn't go astray at all, and I'm not going to lose sleep if they want to try some more open level design and break from the mission-based structure. There are a lot of ways you could modernise Devil May Cry without robbing it of its identity. Just as long as it's still the best action game in the business when the combat breaks out.

#486411 SSLF's Official Year of Devil May Cry 5 Thread

Posted by Ocelot on 13 January 2018 - 08:05 PM





Look at all those people busy making Devil May Cry V the best game ever made. This is gonna be goooooood.

#486408 The Video Game News Thread

Posted by Ocelot on 12 January 2018 - 03:55 AM

So it looks like we've got:


- The World Ends With You coming to Switch, reworked to play on one 16:9 screen and with some kind of new story content

- Kirby Star Allies is coming on March 16th

- Switch ports for Hyrule Warriors and Dankey Kang Country Tropical Freeze

- A new Mario Tennis called Aces, with a story mode

- DLC for Mario Odyssey (free, Luigi) and Mario + Rabbids (paid, Dankey Kang)

- Dark Souls Remastered is coming to Switch:




(picture unrelated)


I hope we eventually see all the notable Wii U exclusives make their way over to the Switch. It's a an easy way for Nintendo to keep a steady supply of games coming, and a great way for the vast majority of the human race to play those games because nobody bought a Wii U. I'm definitely rebuying Bayonetta 2 on Switch, and as soon as they announce a port of The Wonderful 101 I'll probably be ready to get rid of my Wii U once and for all.


In other news:

- FFXII Remastered is coming to PC on February 1st

- Assassin's Creed Rogue Remastered is official, coming March 20th

#486402 SSLF's #1 Reylo Shipping Thread, feat. Star Wars

Posted by Ocelot on 10 January 2018 - 06:27 PM

he's so ugly and hot


I know, right? He's got those stick-y-out-y ears and such a hilariously big nose, but UUUUUUHHHH he makes it work.




In other news I found the best video in human history:



There is exactly one comment on that video, from one 'kylo ren' saying "U are so cute". And people say Reylo isn't real.


EDIT - Look at this pretty picture you guys:




EDIT - Pictured: the best part of this movie:



#486397 SSLF's #1 Reylo Shipping Thread, feat. Star Wars

Posted by Ocelot on 09 January 2018 - 04:11 AM






#486396 SSLF's #1 Reylo Shipping Thread, feat. Star Wars

Posted by Ocelot on 09 January 2018 - 01:02 AM

I went to see the movie again today, and I took my Mum this time, so for your enjoyment, I present the thoughts of a wonderful woman who has now seen each and every mainline Star Wars movie exactly once, in the cinema during its original theatrical run:


- "Well, it was typical Star Wars, wasn't it?"


- "The guy was massive! That chest! How tall do you think he is in real life?" (Maybe now you can see where I get it from :P)


- "He's funny though. Almost a bit childish, but I suppose that's his character."


- She liked the Canto Bight horses and the crystal critters, loved the Porgs


- She's loves Rey, but she's torn on who she wants her to end up with in the end


- "Where are they going to go from here?" (I tried to tease out some predictions on Episode IX, but she's not that kind of movie watcher)


- "Why are people saying they hate it so much, though?" (Oh Mum, you sweet summer child...)


And now back to some thoughts from me:


I love this movie! I enjoyed it a lot more the second time through, picking up on things I completely missed the first time around and seeing how it all works together now that I know how it all ends up. I kept finding myself thinking "Wow that bit was good, but oh man this next bit's going to be good", pretty much all the way through. I'm starting to entertain the possibility that I might like this one just as much as Empire Strikes Back; it's definitely up there. It's just so rich with good, meaty character-driven stuff that I love (so... dense, one might say), such a wonderful step outside and beyond the established rules of engagement of a Star Wars movie.


So I'm not going to reiterate the whole 'subverting expectations' thing we've all heard about at this point, but I do want to talk about why I enjoyed it so much. I think it says something that, for the last couple of years, we'd all been expecting Rian Johnson to do something unusual with Star Wars. We know he's off-beat, we heard all the stories about how Mark Hamill had been apprehensive, Lawrence Kasdan called it 'weird', we saw Johnson himself Tweet that Lucasfilm had given him free rein to write and direct exactly the movie he wanted. Then the trailer comes out, and Luke's line "This is not going to go the way you think" has pride of place. We knew it was going to be something different right?


...and yet still all this backlash, still all the hate and vitriol, still all these 'grown adults' taking to social media to bully whichever filmmakers they can find and every other horrible thing the internet does. It's like people see Star Wars as this creaking old relic of the old world, something you aren't even allowed to look at funny lest it all crumble to pieces. You just have to spackle over some cracks and perform minor structural repairs at regular intervals, for the relic must stand unsullied for all of time, otherwise *insert disaster here*. Don't ever step outside these rigid guidelines, all renovations must be up to code, any violation will be met with harsh penalties (i.e. Star Wars is dead, betrayal of Star Wars, Kathleen Kennedy's self-insert, etc).


The Last Jedi has some fun with people's expectations of a Star War, and it does so in the service of a wonderful new story I thoroughly enjoyed, with characters I absolutely love, and that's basically as far as it goes. To hear people talk you'd think the movie was constantly pulling gotchas the whole way through or something. I really like the feeling it has of stepping out into the unknown a little, outside the standard set of Star Wars tropes into uncharted territory where you can't rely on any foreknowledge to tell you how things are going to go. When a certain pair of characters walk into a certain throne room, there's absolutely no telling what is going to happen in there, and I love it. I want to watch it again already.


Everything in the movie ties into its lovely, inspiring central themes of making peace with our failures and moving on with our lives, great things coming from small beginnings, and the ol' spark of hope lighting the fire of goodness and people being nice to eachother, saving what we love. Ah, it's almost enough to make you forget the reality of, y'know, reality for a couple of hours. Enough to make you think fondly about all the innocent kids growing up on these new Star Wars movies, before they get older, discover the internet and then nothing can ever satisfy them again.


EDIT - Some more things I love about this movie:



#486393 SSLF's #1 Reylo Shipping Thread, feat. Star Wars

Posted by Ocelot on 07 January 2018 - 09:55 PM

EDIT: I also watched 'Hail, Caesar!' this weekend. Great film I'd recommend if you're a fan of 50-60s big-budget cinema like Ben-Hur, as it's the Coens' comedic tribute to that era of cinema. Anyway, Aiden Ehrenreich, the guy playing the young Han Solo, was pretty good in that film. That said, he was doing a comedy performance as a character who can't act, but he was very entertaining, and I - think - it made me somewhat more optimistic about the film? Idunno.


Would that it t'were so simple.

#486388 SSLF's #1 Reylo Shipping Thread, feat. Star Wars

Posted by Ocelot on 06 January 2018 - 07:13 PM

*For future readers of this thread, as of this post the thread title has been edited to read 'A Thread Of Pure, Unadulterated Cancer'*


Oh good, more hyperbolic vitriol about this children's movie you didn't like. My favourite thing to read on the internet. 


How are we going to break out of this bipolar "It was the best"/"It was the worst" thing where everyone immediately goes to 11 and stays there forever? Let's try spinning, that's a good trick:





#486364 Movie/Television/Disney Entertainment Conglomerate News

Posted by Ocelot on 29 December 2017 - 08:23 PM


#486360 SSLF's #1 Reylo Shipping Thread, feat. Star Wars

Posted by Ocelot on 27 December 2017 - 09:41 PM

Leaked promo for the Han Solo movie:




I don't have high hopes for this movie, but they don't look too bad all costumed up. I guess I want to see the Millennium Falcon all dolled up in its early days. Ugh, I'll watch this stupid thing.

#486356 Twenty Seventeen's SSLF Goatee Awards, sponsored by Mountain Dew

Posted by Ocelot on 27 December 2017 - 06:11 AM

All right, sports fans, it's time for the main event. The one you've all been waiting for. It's SSLF's Best Game of 2017, as voted by the SSLF GOTY Awards Committee, a well-respected organisation so selective in its membership criteria that, as of yet, only one person has been allowed to join its ranks. That person has taken time out of his busy schedule to be with us today, so I'd like you all to give a warm welcome to Ocelot!


Thank you, thank you everyone, great to be here today. Yes, thanks to Ocelot for that wonderful introduction. I'm happy to be here to announce the winner of SSLF's Best Game of 2017. It's been a great year, but I think we can all agree that one game stood above the rest, and I won't waste any more of your time. The winner is, of course...


Devil May Cry V.


But, due to the slight technicality of DMCV not actually being released, or even announced, in 2017, we're going to give it to Horizon Zero Dawn instead.




I love this game so much. I thought it was a cool premise from the start, a feisty young woman hunting robot dinosaurs with retro-future weaponry, but my hype was always tempered by the knowledge that it was coming to us from the makers of the Killzone series. I wouldn't say I outright dislike any of Guerrilla's previous efforts, but... well, I can't really think of anything at all to say about them. Even the name 'Killzone' sounds like 'Video Game: The Official Video Game' to me. I didn't have the highest of hopes going into this Horizoning business. Also, what's with that dumb name, right?


This game blew all my expectations away, and took my face and three feet of small intestine with them in the shockwave. I expected clunky but functional gameplay, and I got one of the smoothest, slickest-controlling characters around with a fantastically in-depth and unique combat system. I expected pretty nice graphics, but I got what might genuinely be the prettiest video game ever. And I expected a pretty terrible story, to be honest, so imagine my surprise when found myself voraciously devouring every tiny snippet of lore that made the mistake of getting too close to my gaping LORE MAW. I drank this game in like a man dying of thirst. I haven't fallen in love with a video game world like this since that fateful day I opened the Codex in Mass Effect 1. You might say that Horizon is the best game I played all year, even.


OK, so let's back up: Horizon: Zero Dawn, is a game where you play as a redhead named Aloy, an outcast from her tribe of hunter/gatherers in a weird kind of techno-primitive society of indeterminate era. Aloy is that particular kind of clever, motivated protagonist that makes you feel like some of that go-getter attitude might rub off on you in real life, but she's also naive and inexperienced about the world around her. All the better for you and her to go on an epic adventure together, then, discovering all that the world of Horizon has to offer! Other tribes, other races of people, all manner of bizarre customs and cultures to fit in with or bounce off. You'll meet a cast of memorable characters, exhaust their dialogue trees and do their chores for them, fight alongside them and maybe kill a couple, as is the destiny of the RPG protagonist. Horizon's world is a really nice place to be, with every corner of the place having its own unique theme of colour, architecture, and even technological advancement that sets it apart from everywhere else. 




And in between the 'talking to guys' parts, you'll find Horizon's other great strength: the 'killing things' parts. Horizon's wilderness bristles with all manner of robot animal, some friendly, most hostile, some mundane beasts of the land and others legit T-Rexes with lightning guns and laser cannons all over them. In a world where the standard pistol/assault rifle/shotgun spectrum doesn't exist, you'll make do with bows made of scavenged metal, firing jury-rigged arrows with exploding metal teeth on the tips that can sheer off enemy weaponry. Some guns will simply nail a target to the ground with steel cables and spikes, while others will allow you to set explosive tripwires to create traps (ideally before a battle, but more often by the seat of your pants when your best-laid plan goes awry, if you're anything like me :P). The focus on single-shot weapons with long reload times gives the combat a much different feel to your average third-person manshooter, and a nice little recharging bullet time mechanic ensures that you can make your shots count. A good fight in Horizon involves exploiting an enemy robot's AI routines and hammering at weakpoints, dropping fire grenades to overheat a dinosaurs systems and then landing surgical strikes on its unprotected robo-sweetbreads when it lowers its defenses to vent excess heat, diving and rolling and sliding to avoid its attacks and maybe even trying to clobber it with your stick if you're feeling saucy. Aloy feels amazing under the thumbs, with controls that allow you to swap weapons and ammo types on the fly, dodge and return fire in the blink of an eye without even thinking about it. Boy it's really good, you guys.


And then every now and then you'll come across a seemingly ancient science lab hidden underground, and there you'll follow the tracks of a story I could not get enough of. The backstory of this game, the events that lead up to the 'present day' state of the world of Horizon, are so wonderfully conceived and written that I was utterly enthralled in every one of the game's "time to learn some stuff!" missions. Told mainly through text and audio logs Aloy discovers as she delves into ancient ruins, the story of a civilization's downfall and how it lead to an era of cavemen and robots is brilliant. I love it so much. I would honestly buy any stupid tie-in comic books and novels Guerrilla wanted to release, even if it made me hate myself the whole time. I want to know everything. The game ties up all its own loose threads at the end, makes good on everything it sets up, and that kind of satisfying storytelling is to be commended in this day and age, but I still want to know more I want Guerrilla to write new things! Make seven more Horizons! Give me Horizon until I can't take any more! FEED ME!




And such is the story of 2017's undisputed GOTY, Horizon: Zero Dawn. In a year where I played like ten games that could all be GOTYs in their own right if they'd released in less-crowded years, this is the game that I loved more than anything else. I think you should play it.

#486355 SSLF's #1 Reylo Shipping Thread, feat. Star Wars

Posted by Ocelot on 26 December 2017 - 11:27 PM

Star Wars has this weird thing about it where we all have to pretend that they aren't just movies for some reason. The massive, bloated mound of throbbing meat product that is the canon must be appeased before anything else. Bad acting, bad writing, hokey special effects; if you dig down deep enough into a Wookieepedia hole you'll find in-universe explanations for everything. You want to know something that'll just ruin your day? There's a canon explanation for how Luke seems to spend more time on Dagobah in ESB than Han and Leia do in their half of the story: Dagobah is canonically a Dragonball Z Hyperbolic Time Chamber. Luke spent six months there doing backflips while Han and Leia were trapped in a space worm:




Because it couldn't simply be something Lawrence Kasdan did for convenience when he wrote the script, right? After all, Empire Strikes Back isn't a movie, it's a window into the Star Wars universe circa 3 ABY. Star Wars actually happened, you guys, and we must all keep up this shared delusion, otherwise who knows what will happen?


So we have this situation where people are comparing this movie to one that came out FORTY EARTH YEARS AGO and genuinely saying "Hey, this doesn't match up, what gives?", and then not accepting the simple answer that movies are different now than they were back then, because that doesn't fit into the canon. So Rey can have sick lightsabre fights like a week after getting Force powers, while Luke was still throwing rocks at buttons that were too far away for him to press when he was calling himself a Jedi Master. The answer to this is that special effects are a lot easier to do in 2017, and the whole culture of action movies in Hollywood has changed to one where actors are all required to have shredded six packs and go through six-month combat training courses before doing a movie. In 1977, nobody complained that a showdown between two masters looked like two old men trading arthritic love taps, but if you tried to anything like that in a Star Wars movie today audiences would laugh, it'd be the hot take topic of the month, and Kathleen Kennedy would cut ties with you. When Poe pulls off some crazy nutso moves in an X-Wing that put Anakin Skywalker's legendary Force-enhanced piloting to shame, it's not supposed to be because Poe was an immaculate conception by the Top Gun gods; it's just because the CGI studio felt like they had to outdo whichever space battle movie came out the previous summer. 


Likewise, Rey being a clever, self-sufficient gal is part of her character, but she isn't supposed to be some one-in-a-million prodigy. She picks up being a Jedi pretty quickly because we, the audience, want to see her doing cool new stuff, and people would complain if she wasn't doing all the things we associate with being a Jedi ("Oh, we have to buy another ticket in two years to see her use the lightsabre? God, thanks a lot Disney. Anything to milk money out of people"). Unfortunately, because the canon says that Luke took three years to learn how to pull his lightsabre towards him and Rey did it on her first day, now we all have to wring our hands for years about why she is or isn't a Mary Sue, when the answer is literally just "It was a cool moment in the movie".


See also: anyone who's reaction to Holdo's manoeuvre, a scene that is literally making audiences around the world gasp in awe, is "Uh, actually, this is inconsistent with the canon, see the following Wookieepedia articles for details, also why doesn't everyone just kill themselves in every space battle? Checkmate, Disney".