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Member Since 31 Mar 2008
Offline Last Active Dec 29 2017 09:28 PM

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In Topic: Wulfgard: World's Edge

08 April 2017 - 08:47 AM

Adrienna smiled in a slightly flirtatious manner and extended a hand. "Adrienna. That sounds like a fun skill."


What the heck is that human doing? Asuka thought as Adrienna extended her hand. The dragon took a quick step back as though the woman were about to strike her. Had her cover already been blown? Was this woman secretly a dragon hunter who had been hunting her since she started her journey? Asuka began sweating profusely. What was she going to do? Should she reveal her dragon form and try to devour this woman before she attacked? That was risky. Surely she had impressed the rest of the crew by revealing that she once pushed a thunderstorm out of her bowels, but it was unknown whether or not they would turn on her if she took on her true form. 


Asuka stopped herself. The woman had yet to attack. In fact, she was actually smiling in what Asuka could only assume was a flirtatious manner. What sort of game was this strange woman playing? Regardless, considering the fact that she was still alive, she did not seem to be hostile. That must be it. Extending the hand must be a traditional human gesture of heterosexual greeting. This woman did not want to kill her...at least, not yet. She could still salvage this situation! All she had to do was extend her own hand and grasp hers in return. It was so simple! Humans have the best hand gestures. 


But, what if it was more complicated than that? If I extend my hand, perhaps she will be insulted? It's impossible for me to know! I've never seen another human do anything like this before! Worse yet, if she returned her gesture, would she place herself on the same level of Adrienna? She could not afford to do that if she wanted to crown herself a goddess. She had to be above the common rabble! And for someone as extraordinary as herself, she had to greet the masses with a gesture unlike anything they had ever seen! A gesture worthy of a goddess! But what could she do? They both seemed to have a common interest in vomiting. Perhaps they could vomit into each other's mouth? 


All this overthinking caused Asuka to begin sweating profusely. 




Her heart felt like it was about to explode out of her chest. She had to do something! Wait, she remembered something back from when she originally emerged in the human world. She remembered seeing a pair of dogs greet each other in a very affectionate manner. And humans served dogs! So, if she wanted to be served by humans, she needed to use one of their gestures! And so, without further ado, Asuka hopped forward and licked Adrienna across the face. 


Nailed it.


"Well met Adrienna! May our sharing of saliva seal our friendship for centuries, provided you humans live that long." She stumbled over her words a bit, but hopefully the human would be distracted by her sharing of fluids that she would fail to pay attention.


"Well," Sir Gisburn said carefully, trying not to offend the possibly insane woman "that's...interesting. Is that a common thing for people in the East to do...?"

Some fat merchant whose body was literally overflowing with fat hesitantly greeted her. He certainly lacked the confidence of the sultry female human. Probably because he was fat. Seriously, it was though he had been asked what he wanted for breakfast every day for a year and he always said "everything." She could generate herself ten extra human forms just from his excess mass. Yet, despite her initial disgust, Asuka found herself mesmerized by it as well. He jiggled like a jello bowl every time he made even the slightest movement. It was hypnotic in a strange way, and before she realized what she was doing, Asuka found herself staring. 


Asuka literally slapped herself to snap herself out of it. This fat man was no ordinary human. "Absolutely not, for you see I am not ordinary! Why, I would go so far as to say that I am exceptional! I, my fair fat man, am a goddess!" Asuka said, raising her hand high. "Please try to contain your enthusiasm. Instead, focus your energy instead into worshiping me. I will bring you all a lifetime of eternal happiness!"


"And all I need in return is your unquestioning loyalty. So feel free to bow people!" She then pointed at the merchant. "You can just nod your head if bowing is too hard."

In Topic: Wulfgard: World's Edge

06 April 2017 - 01:20 PM

It was tough being a goddess. 


While Asuke was not the first to vomit on the Sun Chaser, she liked to think that she would be the last. While Adrienna was able to stop herself after vomiting a couple of times, Asuka had become bile incarnate, with a never ending stream of puke flowing out of her like a river whenever she opened her mouth. She liked to think that, as a new goddess, everything that came out of her was in and of itself a miracle. Perhaps the priests who would soon be worshiping her will eventually create a shrine to honor her stomach problems.


Worse yet, vomiting as a dragon was weird. Not only did the gesture of puking her guts up feel very similar to breathing fire, but her body seemed to have way more food in it than seemed possible. That was because it did. In her dragon form, Asuka could eat a lot more than her traditional human self (dwarves were delicious), but when she vomited it came from her dragon stomach as opposed to her human one. She wasn't sure how that worked physically, but then again it wasn't really a dragon or goddess's place to bring up science. So, there she was, continuously coughing up miracles


"It's settled then. I hate boats." Asuka concluded that as part of the book she was writing about how amazing she was she would include as part of her commandments all bodies of water would be outlawed and would be evaporated on sight. It was the only sensible solution. At long last, after hacking up what seemed to resemble a viking's helmet, Asuka cleared her throat and concluded that she was done vomiting for the time being. With that, Asuka turned to face her motley crew and future worshipers. 


Despite looking like a young female samurai, Asuka was actually a dragon. While most dragons were content to relax in their caves and collect whatever trinkets they could get their claws on (she preferred pearls), Asuka wanted more out of life. In particular, after spending centuries taking stock of her pearl collection, Asuka concluded that being a dragon was lame. Having an amazing collection of pearls was only worthwhile if someone else thought it was amazing. And so, Asuka decided she would no longer be an ordinary dragon. She would be a goddess worshiped by all. 


But that brought up a dilemma: how does one become a goddess? Asuka assumed they were simply born into their roles, which was unfortunately not an option for her unless reincarnation turned out to be real (and she did not want to put that to the test). So, instead Asuka decided that she would simply declare that she was a goddess and see how it went. I mean, goddesses were mysterious and alluring right? She could pull that off! I mean, heck, she had white hair. How many young female samurais had white hair? If that wasn't mysterious and alluring, she had no idea what was. 


The only reason she was on this ship in the first place was a bizarre social experiment. She was going to be stuck with a ragtag group of pirates and ne'er do wells on a ship for a long period of time in relative isolation. It was the perfect opportunity to start a cult dedicated to her. After all, if she could not get a group like this to worship her, how would she do with the rest of the world? But where would she start? She had to do something to impress the people. And so, Asuka walked up to the other puker and a muscular old man (Adrienna and Runi).


"Hi guys. The name's Asuka." The dragon explained. "I once farted a thunderstorm. Isn't that amazing?"

In Topic: The Movie News and John Wick Appreciation Thread

31 March 2017 - 08:17 PM

Well, that's dumb. Why would you do a Justice League movie without Superman? 

In Topic: The Movie News and John Wick Appreciation Thread

31 March 2017 - 07:33 PM

Looks pretty watchable, I think.


I have not been keeping up with the DC movies, but where the heck is Superman?

In Topic: Mass Effect: Andromeda

22 March 2017 - 02:35 PM

Because as more reviews come in for the game, it is proving that the extreme end of the glitches shown off in videos now are very much apart of that vocal minority.  More critics actually put up more reviews on Metacritic, bumping it up to a 78 (only one critic gave it a score lower than 70, and then again, they did compare it to Horizon: Zero Dawn, a game that has also been referred to "The most generic Ubisoft Style'd game in the last 5 years", I can go more into it later if anyone wants me to elaborate on it).  The User section of it is not worth going into, simply because of review bombers, which we have seen everywhere, including the last ME game (it also doesn't help that you don't have to prove that you OWN THE GAME YOU ARE REVIEWING!)  However, I will use the Xbox/Microsoft store reviews (Since Origin doesn't do reviews, and BECAUSE UNLIKE METACRITIC, YOU NEED TO OWN THE GAME TO REVIEW!).  And it's at a 4.4/5 stars.


You guys are acting as though a Metacritic score in the 70s means that the game is bad. It doesn't. In fact, if it wasn't for the fact that the majority of Triple A games get scores in the 80s and 90s, then no one would be disappointed by that score because, overall, it is still quite positive. However, that aside, the score is just a meaningless and arbitrary number given to a game by review scores. If it's an 8 out of 10 game or a 10 out of 10 game for you, then that's great. Your opinion is just as valid as any critic on the internet.


It sounds like you guys are enjoying the game. So how about we stop wasting time going back and forth about how the game is being scored and instead start talking about cool story moments or gameplay tweaks that are worth talking about? The fact that you guys are discussing review scores as opposed the game itself does little to fill me with optimism. As for me, I like the Mass Effect series, but the promotional materials I've seen so far and the lack of interesting looking party members dulled my interest. I'll probably wait to get this either for Christmas or as part of a nice sale. 


Quick note: The last word I think when I see Horizon Zero Dawn in action is "generic" as a redheaded woman with a bow and arrow shoots at robotic dinosaurs. Yes, there are towers, but that alone does not make the entire game generic.