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Fast 8: You Win Some, You Lose Some

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#1 Ocelot


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Posted 07 February 2013 - 12:58 AM


I only put that question mark in the title because mysteries put butts in seats; the answer is, unequivocally, YES. There's this thing called the Superbowl, which purports to be the final game of the American Football season but that's obviously ridiculous because it happens at the start of the year. Anyway, they show commercials during it, and one of them was the most mind-blowingly excellent thing ever created by man:


OK, so you might think you're done with that trailer, but I implore you to watch it twelve, perhaps thirteen more times to pick up every nuance. You probably noticed the part where our fearless heroes ripped a plane out of the sky with a car-mounted grappling hook so Vin Diesel could mount a daring escape by exploding out of the plane's nose. But, perhaps you missed this scene where Vin Diesel hoists a man into the air so The Rock can apparently fly at him like Superman and DESTROY HIS FACE:
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Or this split-second shot where The Rock sits in a helicopter next to none other than female MMA fighter Gina Carano:
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Alright, I'll let you mull over all this for a little while, but when you're ready I have an in-depth analysis of the series, film by film.

The Fast and the Furious: It's startling to see the humble beginnings that can kick-off such an epoch-defining series - the first movie to bear the two 'F's is little more than Point Break with cars. Paul Walker is Johnny Utah, going undercover as an aspiring driver in order to bust Vin Diesel's illicit ring of illegal street racing. Along the way he falls in love with Vin Diesel's gloriously be-eyebrowed sister, gets into all sorts of hijinks involving uninteresting side characters, and eventually lets Patrick Swayze surf the biggest wave the world has ever seen. This movie isn't great.

2 Fast 2 Furious: The Police Force frowns on officers making friends with criminals and letting them escape, so newly-made fugitive Paul Walker street races down to Miami and quickly rises to the top of an illegal street racing ring. The law catches up with him, however, and offers him a deal: work undercover as a street rac- OK, I think you get where I'm going with this. Despite a title that will live in infamy, this movie isn't so hot either. It introduces recurring characters Tyrese Gibson and Ludacris (don't bother learning their character names), but Vin Diesel's absence makes this a sad outing.

The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift: Alright, so here's where things start getting good. Tokyo Drift is a coming-of-age story where our hero learns the secret to life: ALWAYS BE DRIFTING. Kicked out of his American school and sent to live in Japan, he discovers that he can drive his car sideways to solve any and every hardship that comes his way. These include, but are not limited to, girls not liking him, the fact that he speaks no Japanese, and a Yakuza boss who wants him dead. That guy's all ready to torture what'shisface to death at the end of the movie, but when he sees this sick drift down a twisty mountain road he calms right down.

The best part about Tokyo Drift is that it is actually set in the future of the series. It's like a pro-active finale to an ongoing series. There's a character who is introduced and dies in Tokyo Drift, but who goes on to appear in all subsequent F&F movies, so every movie he's in has to slot in before Tokyo Drift. Every new Fast and Furious movie pushes Tokyo Drift further and further into the future. By the way, that character's name: Han Seoul-Oh.

Fast & Furious: Tokyo Drift is a fascinating movie, but it's only linked to the previous movies by a cameo from Vin Diesel at the very end. For fans of the series' rich lore, the fourth movie is where it all comes together. We return to our old friends from the first movie, who, under Vin Diesel's guiding hand, have become an international band of high-speed, street-racing criminals. At the beginning of the movie we see them executing a cunning plan to steal tanks of fuel from a fuel tanker in motion, a heist that culminates in Vin Diesel driving a car underneath a cartwheeling fuel trailer as it flips down a hill.

Meanwhile, Paul Walker has inexplicably been made an FBI agent, and is tasked with going undercover to infiltrate a ring of illegal street racing. These street racers actually drug-runners this time, using a secret tunnel through a mountain to smuggle drugs across the US border. Paul Walker shows up to race for a place on the team, and is surprised to see he'll be competing against Vin Diesel, who wants to get at the drug tycoon because he killed Vin Diesel's girlfriend, Michelle Rodriguez. Cars are raced, things explode, and at one point Vin Diesel airjacks the bad guy's car in what I can only imagine was an homage to that game he made called Wheelman. He just dives out of his own car and into the bad guy's; it's pretty fantastic. Anyway, Vin Diesel is caught and sentenced to life in prison, but the police make the mistake of driving him to prison and that leads us to...

Fast Five: Often voted the greatest movie of all time, Fast Five begins with the gang using cars to spring Vin Diesel from his prison bus. Oh, did I mention that Paul Walker is a full-on criminal in this one? Anyway, after a short reunion they concoct an imaginative plan to use some cars to steal some cars from a car-carrying train. This is botched by an untrustworthy freelancer, and Vin Diesel and Paul Walker manage to draw the ire of not only Brazil's greatest crime lord (Bucho from Desperado), but also THE ROCK! The Rock is some kind of internationally-licensed government agent, an expert in tracking and bringing in all manner of criminal scum. If you have a problem, and you need it solved loudly and sweatily, The Rock is your guy.

Now it's up to our fearless heroes to plan a fiendish scheme to steal all of Bucho's money out from under the nose of the entire Brazilian police force while fending off parkour-attacks from The Rock's posse. You might not think they'd find time to fit a few drag races in there, but you're obviously not familiar with the series. The Rock eventually finds their secret hideout, and he and Vin Diesel put on the kind of amazing fight scene that only two ridiculous sides-of-beef-in-T-shirts can manage. They basically demolish an entire building with eachother's bodies, deafening entire suburbs with the meaty claps of their sweat-slickened hides. It's pretty great.

The events shortly afterwards defy explanation, but suffice it to say that The Rock comes 'round to Vin Diesel's point of view and decides to abandon a life of upholding the law to help Vin Diesel steal all the money. Vin Diesel does this - how else? - with cars; specifically by dragging an entire bank vault through Rio de Janeiro from two blacked-out Dodge Challengers. It swings around like a hundred-ton, sharp-cornered death-conker, destroying dozens of police cars and buildings, and eventually Vin Diesel executes the most incredible flipping catapult manoeuvre that leads me to believe his hidden superpower is inhuman mathematical genius but only when behind the wheel of a car.

At the end of the movie, during the credits in fact, Eva Mendes comes all the way back from 2 Fast 2 Furious to tell The Rock that Michelle Rodriguez ISN'T ACTUALLY DEAD AFTER ALL, which is apparently where Fast & Furious 6 picks up. It seems like The Rock is now tracking down another team of car-based criminals, and only Vin Diesel's crew can help him. Our gang has basically become The A-Team now, ready to go with improbable car-related schemes for whoever can track them down.

I guess what I'm saying here is how excited are all of you for the next movie? World-encompassingly? Perhaps I should also mention that Fast & Furious 6 is being shot back-to-back with a yet-untitled seventh movie.

#2 Risk



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Posted 07 February 2013 - 05:01 AM

It's obviously part of some Illuminati scheme for The Rock to regain popularity among the masses, along with his return to WWE and GI Joe. Open your eyes, sheeple.


#3 Saber-Scorpion


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Posted 07 February 2013 - 05:19 AM

I haven't seen any of these movies except part of the first one, but I do love reading Ocelot's masterful wordsmithing, so +1.

Who knows, maybe I'll watch one now.




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#4 The unknown

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Posted 07 February 2013 - 05:26 AM

I haven't seen any of these movies except part of the first one, but I do love reading Ocelot's masterful wordsmithing, so +1.

Who knows, maybe I'll watch one now.

To be honest, Ocelot isn't much wrong.

The first movie is simply street racing. It wasn't bad, but it wasn't great.

The second was street racing in Florida. Says it all.

The third was dull, street racing in Japan.

The fourth was street racing and drugs. Wasn't much great, but was a bit away from the other movies.

The fifth renewed the series in a good way, IMO, a bank heist with an ensemble cast in car. Much better than it sounds. Honestly, I liked the movie a lot, and I hate movies about car. They've got a classic race, it's still Fast and Furious, but this time the priorities is really about the heist, and the characters are for once much more expanded and interesting, and pulling them from all the other movies.

I'm still unsure about this new one, but the longer trailer does seem better than the simple SuperBowl Ad. I'll wait and see, but at least now the movies have shifted to full action movie. And I'm sure The Rock and Vin Diesel are going to do worse to that guy's spine than Bane to Batman in Knightfall.

#5 Irondrone 4

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Posted 08 February 2013 - 05:14 AM

I don't see how I could ever get into this series. There aren't nearly enough cars in these films.

I kid, but I have seen the first film. I can't stand that film; dumb and no substance. It's just bland characters doing things they thought were hip back in the early 2000's. That being said, the fifth film actually looks pretty decent, with some creative ways to incorporate the cars into insane action setpieces and focusing more on Vin Desiel rather than Blonde McCop.

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#6 Halcyon



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Posted 12 February 2013 - 07:28 PM

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#7 Michaelangelo


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Posted 13 February 2013 - 04:40 PM

I don't get why everyone hates the first movie...? Seriously, I loved that movie. If anything that hate should be directed towards 2Fast2Furious and Tokyo Drift.

Maybe I enjoyed the first movie more because it was and still is rather down to earth, and actually portrays what underground street racing was all about. At least in Southern California that's kinda how it was. I remember going to a few car shows that were like the ones in the movie. I dunno, I think you guys are crazy. :P

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#8 Ocelot


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Posted 01 November 2014 - 07:10 PM

Alright, Jabronis. Buckle your seatbelts, monitor your NO2 gauges, and ALWAYS BE SHIFTING INTO THIRD GEAR






YES YES YES YES YES YES. The undisputed greatest cinematic franchise of our time continues!


In case anyone's wondering about the chronology of our rich Fast and/or Furious lore, Furious 7 is both the newest movie and the most recent point on the timeline. A flashforward scene at the end of Fast 6 brought us back around to the second act of Tokyo Drift, where fan favourite Han is killed during a street race. It was revealed that, what initially seemed like an accident, was in fact a deliberate murder perpetrated by Jason Statham, the indignant (one might say... furious) brother of the villain Vin Diesel's team killed in Fast 6. Thus, Furious 7 will finally resolve non-linear storytelling shenanigans that lie at the heart of the series.

#9 Ocelot


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Posted 01 February 2015 - 06:31 PM

Fine then. If you jerkwads aren't interested in letting the light of the greatest action movie franchise ever made into your hearts, I'm fine on my own. Fine.







Also, my favourite thing ever:




#10 Ryoma


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Posted 01 February 2015 - 08:29 PM

Guess I should get around to seeing the first six of these, huh? Launching a car through two skyscrapers?





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#11 The Doctor

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Posted 02 February 2015 - 12:51 PM




It should also be noted I have pretty drunk.


#12 Amarok


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Posted 03 February 2015 - 12:12 AM

Drifted around a corner today - thought of you, Ocelot.


#13 Ocelot


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Posted 05 February 2015 - 12:49 AM



I don't even know what to say. What can you say? No words can describe how perfectly this movie matches the script I would have written as an eight-year-old with a revolver cap gun double-strapped at my hip. Cars, guns, planes, cars driving out of planes, Kung Fu fighting and wrassle-fighting, everything exploding at all times, Kurt Russell, more cars. All the girls in bikinis might have been a little bit outside my eight-year-old writing repertoire, but twenty-five-year-old me recognises the brilliance of the idea.


Honestly, I feel fully confident in declaring that this will not only be the best movie ever made as of its release, but also the best movie ever made in perpetuity. The six-fingered, silver-latex-clad neohumans of the year 6000 still won't be making better movies than this one. The hyper-advanced alien race that enslaved the Egyptians and forced them to build pyramids for some reason never achieved this level of transcendent art.


Do you people even understand how brilliant these movies are? No, don't tell me you do, because you don't. They introuduced and subsequently killed a fan favourite character in the third movie, then brought him back for movies four, five and six with NO EXPLANATION, only to finally reveal that that third movie was actually set in the future of the series and that his seemingly accidental death was actually a carefully-planned murder by the vengeful brother of the main bad guy that they all killed in the sixth movie! AND THAT BROTHER IS JASON STATHAM! AND NOW HE'S GOING TO FISTFIGHT THE ROCK!

#14 Dalton Westmoore

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Posted 05 February 2015 - 07:02 AM

Saw the commercial when I went to go see the Hobbit 3 on Tuesday. Thought that parachuting with cars seemed pretty awesome...and that was about it. 



#15 Burger Warrior

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Posted 05 February 2015 - 10:49 AM

Saw the commercial when I went to go see the Hobbit 3 on Tuesday. Thought that parachuting with cars seemed pretty awesome...and that was about it. 


...Do you go out of your way to have unpopular opinions about everything? I'm honestly starting to wonder that.


*cough* Anyway, I can't say I'm quite as excited as you are about this, Ocelot, but this definitely looks like something I'd watch. Though, being the touchy young'n I am, I'm not quite happy with the amount of skin being shown, but... meh. There's enough action besides (and even during, it looks like) such scenes to make up for it, I suppose. Sooo overall, I'll see it if I can. :P


#16 God-Emperor Thrawnie

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Posted 05 February 2015 - 11:25 AM

the Hobbit 3



#17 The Doctor

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Posted 05 February 2015 - 11:40 AM

Thought that parachuting with cars seemed pretty awesome...and that was about it. 


You say that as if a movie with a title like Furious Seven would need anything more.

It should also be noted I have pretty drunk.


#18 Ocelot


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Posted 02 April 2015 - 12:26 AM

Alright you guys. Alright. Alright? I'm not in the best frame of mind right now for stringing words together all fancy-like, so I'm just going to jump in. Today is April 2nd. Today is the most singular day in human history. Today is the day that they will talk about centuries from now. Today is the day that Furious 7 came out.


I was worried that I'd built it up too much in my head. I mean, Fast 5 was such an amazing movie, and it was unbelievable that they actually topped it with Fast 6. They couldn't possibly do one better again. No. No, Ocelot, just calm down, walk into that theatre with no expectations and hope for the best. I mean, they changed the director, and Paul Walker died during production. Just take it as it comes, bro.


You guys? It didn't take fifteen seconds for me to start grinning ear to ear. They did it, you guys. THEY DID IT. Furious 7 is ten times the movie I'd dared to hope for in my wildest dreams. It's INCREDIBLE! I sat there the whole time with my heart pounding, short of breath, mouth alternately agape and threatening to tear my whole face apart with the force of my doofy smiles. This movie




I don't even know where to start; this movie is just two straight hours of brilliance, shining directly into your face and blasting your eyeballs through the back of your skull. The action is utterly sublime, and there's so much of it! The setpieces just go on and on and get crazier and crazier until you just have to sit there and concentrate on not dying. If there was such a thing as too much action, this movie would be it, but luckily 'too much action' is a ludicrous, made-up concept with no basis in reality. This movie clamps down on all your pathetic preconceptions with an iron grip, an oil-stained hand connected to a tanned, sweaty forearm the size of your thigh, its growth-hormone-enlarged veins throbbing to the same beat that's suddenly pounding in your ears. It pulls you close. Close enough that you can smell its last meal of motor oil, dynamite and gratuitous shots of girls' jiggly butts. Close enough that its lips brush your ear, almost tenderly. And it whispers, quietly, but in a voice that cuts to your very soul. "Those preconceptions? These ones? Let me tell you what I'm going to do with those preconceptions. I'm going to do the same thing I did to the preconceptions of every other low down jabroni in this here fine establishment. I'm going to shiiiiiine them up real nice. And when I'm done shining them, you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to tuuuuuuurn'em sideways. And once I've accomplished that task? Well, you and I both know what happens next. I AM GOING TO STICK THEM. STRAIGHT UP. YOUR CANDY ASS!"






Do you like action movies? See this one. Do you like car chases? See this movie. Do you like fight scenes? See this movie. Do you like elaborate heist scenes where the plan is delivered by voice over during slow-mo establishing shots? This movie's got your back. Do you want to see Kurt Russell being awesome? Furious 7. Ronda Rousey pulling sweet Judo moves in a fancy dress? Furious 7. The glorious return of Tony Jaa, in some of the best fights of his career? FURIOUS 7! CARS DOING THINGS THAT CARS AREN'T MEANT TO DO? FURIOUS SEVEN! JIGGLY GIRL BUTTS? FURIOUS 7! THE GREATEST MOVIE EVER MADE IN HUMAN HISTORY? FURIOUS SEVEN! DO YOU WANT TO ACTUALLY LEGIT GET ALL TEARY-EYED WHEN THEY FINISH THE MOVIE WITH A BEAUTIFUL, TOUCHING TRIBUTE TO PAUL WALKER? Furious 7, you guys. You should see this movie.


Do you not like any of those things? Yes you do, stop lying to me and go and see this movie.

#19 GhostlyCheese


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Posted 02 April 2015 - 10:39 PM

You guys have heard that Dwayne Johnson's new nickname is "Franchise Viagra" right? And I don't think I need to say why....


#20 Ocelot


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Posted 03 April 2015 - 10:24 PM

You guys have heard that Dwayne Johnson's new nickname is "Franchise Viagra" right? And I don't think I need to say why....


Don't let the 'Dwayne Johnson' act fool you. Dwayne Johnson is simply a character that The Rock plays. He wants to be taken seriously these days, but I'm onto him. I'm convinced that the only time The Rock actually acts is in real life; when he's in front of the cameras he's simply being himself. In his first scene in this movie he's sitting at a computer doing some filing, INEXPLICABLY SWEATING BULLETS! He has a towel around his neck and everything! No explanation given; The Rock just sweats perpetually!


Also, at one point he has his arm in a plaster cast, after jumping out of a building and landing on a car with the force of an orbital strike. How does he remove said cast? BY FLEXING SO HARD THAT THE CAST TURNS INTO POWDER!


The Rock is one of my favourite action heroes ever, because he has never in his life given anything less than 110%, and I think his enthusiasm must have affected everyone else in the cast. This movie is the The Rock of movies. The Rock, Jason Statham, Tony Jaa, Ronda Rousey, Vin Diesel; everyone fights everyone else, and these people hit eachother like battering rams. There are like five separate shots in the movie where someone lands an uppercut and knocks the other dude off his feet so hard that his body goes skidding across the room. They don't just trade blows, they practically demolish entire city blocks in their wake. When Vin Diesel and Jason Statham fight, each with a gigantic automotive wrench in each hand, every missed swing kicks up chunks of concrete from the street around them. At one point Vin Diesel accidentally dents a car with his bare fist. The punch sound effects are so loud you can feel them reverberate in your chest.


Any TONY JAA! Oh Lord, Tony Jaa. I love that little man. I was so happy to see his name in the cast for this movie, because he's been stuck doing worse and worse movies in Thailand. He was the biggest, hottest thing in the martial arts scene for all too short a time, and I hope that this movie sets his career back on track. He's still got it, man. He's still Tony Jaa. Nobody can fight on screen the way that guy does; he's a whirling catastrophe of elbows and knees, and he knows no emotion but rage (or... fury, one might say). He screams at the top of his lungs at all times, and he's just as ludicrously nimble as he was back in Ong Bak. Man hasn't lost a step at all. God I hope they can get him in The Raid 3.


beeteedubz, y'know that trailer I posted up there where they launch a supercar out of one skyscraper and into another one? Well, let's just say that what the trailer shows is only half as good as the full scene. The movie does it twice as well as the trailer does, if you're picking up what I'm putting down here.


EDIT - Oh, and remember how Tokyo Drift is technically set just days before Furious 7 in the timeline? Well, they use footage from Tokyo Drift to set up the scene where Vin Diesel goes to Japan - actual footage directly from that 2006 movie - then they immediately cut to new footage, shot in 2015 for this movie to continue that scene. It means that the main character from Tokyo Drift ages nine years between shots, so this supposed high school kid's hairline recedes a full inch between the two shots :P


It's like the most perfect example of this wonderful gif, but played perfectly straight:


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