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Part 6: Another Round of Madness

Posted by Nightstalker, 25 March 2017 · 2,164 views

Hello once again ladies and gentlemen of SSLF!
For those who are returning, welcome back, and thanks for reading! For those who might be checking out this blog for the first time, I hope you enjoy this. I've got another round of ten funnies to explain, and I hope you all brought some snacks and a comfortable chair. 
So let's get started!
51) Dragons as Boss Fights
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- If you've played a good amount of fantasy games, table tops, or participated in numerous RPs, chances are you've gone up against a dragon. Now, allow me to state that I have absolutely nothing against dragons/wyverns/drakes/etc. In fact, they're some of the greatest monster types you could fight for a battle. They're fierce, large, angry, and beastly monsters. The issue is, they're so darn common that they really lose any excitement. For example, I'll take a personal favorite, Skyrim. Skyrim literally has you fighting dozens of dragons across the game. From the very start of the game, you're exposed to their terror. You have some pretty good build up to the first one, which I'll admit is a pretty cool experience. Once you're finished with the first one, you have some sense of accomplishment. However, it quickly goes away as you realize that you're going to be fighting tons of dragons, all in the same manner that you killed the first one. Basically, they've just become random battles for your character. Now this happens to be one example of this. Other games have you wandering dungeons until you get to the boss room and randomly find a dragon. No build up to it, it's just sitting there chilling. After you've gone through multiple moments like these, they just kind of lose their luster. I can't think of a single monster/boss type that has gotten as much play as these guys get in Fantasy.
52) Sooo Many Quests
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- So it's already established that you're the main character and that you are out to be an adventurer, save the land, and accomplish many quests! One question I've always had is why am I the only person helping people? Everyone seems to have some task that they are incapable of doing and need YOU to do. For example, I was running through a game and was given a quest to go pick up a farmer's harvest and bring it back to the city. Why can't you do it? You're the farmer, isn't that part of your job? Why must the hero/heroine stop they're day just to go and harvest crops for you. Or better yet, here's my personal favorite, the town guard can't seem to deal with thugs/rats/etc. and needs you to kill some to help restore some order. Isn't that suppose to be your job? That's like walking up to a police officer outside of a bank robbery and him asking you to diffuse the situation. What's worse is that in games like MMOs you will help hundreds of people with pretty mundane tasks. Hey go kill some boars to help me harvest meat, hey go collect herbs from the forest and bring them back to me, hey can you find my lost sibling, I can't find him (NEVERMIND THE FACT THAT YOU ARE PLAYING HIDE AND SEEK)! Geez, go ask someone else for once!
53) Making Potions
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- Last time, I ranted about potions being the cure for everything. But what even is a potion? Well, in some games you have a lovely crafting skill called Alchemy or Herbalism. These skills allow you to make potions from various ingredients that exist in the land. Okay, that sounds cool! At least making your own potions will save you some gold! Very true, but how exactly does one know what to put into a potion? Let's find out. Typically when you go to craft a potion, you have a list of ingredients you can combine to make a particular good. Now the interesting part of this is that they always make this uniform liquid that the character will probably drink in the future. So let's take a basic healing potion. In most games, it is a bottle with red liquid. Time to make one. I need some form of flower, water, and a pinch of magic dust. Nothing strange there. Wait a second, I can make a better healing potion if I replace the flower with venison (I'm looking at you TES:IV). Stop! How the heck am I suppose to turn venison into a potion. Okay, let's try it. It produced the same red liquid. How'd that happen!? You mean I liquidated a chunk of venison? That's just one small example of this. Other potions require things like animal parts, human parts, strange liquids, and all this other nonsense to produce this uniform liquid. Sometimes I like to think that your character really does not like that taste of it, or that it just straight up wreaks. I don't know, it's just something that always seemed a tad weird. I really just think it's the world trying to get my character to eat/drink something super disgusting.
54) The Lack of Evil Companions
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- Have you ever tried to be evil in a game? Of course you have! If you haven't you're really missing out... well... sort of... we'll get to that in a later funny. Anyways, for those who have played as evil characters, have you ever noticed that evil teammates seem to be nonexistent? Sure you get the one person on your team who is kind of out there, but everyone else is pretty much gray to good. Oh, and you'll count yourself lucky if your one evil teammate is actually interesting. Combine this with the whole influence system and you have a team that pretty much hates you by the end of Act I. Okay, so what about those games where you can play as the evil villain? Guess what, your team still happens to be good somehow. It doesn't quite make much sense to me, but I guess I happen to be one @$$hole in the world! I don't think I've ever played a game where I get an entire team of evil adventurers who just want to make other people's days terrible. Evil characters need folks to chill with to ya know.
55) Bandits *facepalm*
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- Regardless of what you do, you're going to run into bandits one day. These guys range from being complete chumps to utter pains to get rid of. What I'm addressing are the chumps you will run into. Let me set the scenario of this funny. You and your team are pretty high level. You all have plenty of rare gear with a decent amount of epics spread about your team. Today, your adventure takes you through an old area because it's finally time to access that area you had to run away from long ago. Along the way, a bandit in rough leather armor and an iron sword jumps out demanding your money. Nevermind the fact that your team is mostly in plate, scalemail, mageweave, or whatever gear, this guy thinks he can rob you. What's worse is this idiot is all by himself and a low level. So let me get this straight, you're planning on robbing a team of six, well-armed people by yourself. Have fun! It's pretty laughable especially when you clearly decline then proceed to one shot the fool. Those are moments where you really wish you could just intimidate the guy into backing down.
56) Transformation Proof Clothing
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- Alrighty then! Time for me to pick on were-beasts for a moment. Before I jump onto this one, let me state that I'm actually a fan of having these transformations, especially when they are done correctly. It allows me to develop my character a bit more and play around with an entirely new mechanic. However, while this may not be present in RPs or table top scenarios, games are notorious for this. So, I'll take this moment to call this the, "Hulk Purple Pants Dilemma." What exactly am I talking about? Let me explain. Your character has the ability to transform into a werewolf. So mid battle you decide it's time to go ham on these suckas and unleash the beast. So, your character, who is still fully geared transforms into this huge werewolf. You go on a rampage, wipe your enemy off the face of the land and depart. Your timer runs out and you transform back into your character... who is still fully dressed. STOP RIGHT THERE NIGHTSTALKER!!! SKYRIM ACTUALLY REMOVES YOUR CHARACTER'S GEAR! And so they do, but it's placed neatly in your inventory. Now, I'm going to rewind to talk about this funny in each step of the process. First off, when you first transformed, you're in your armor. Let's face it, if your gear should basically break or be turned to shreds when you transform, which means if you really wanted to preserve your gear, you'd need to remove it in the middle of battle. The next ridiculous part comes when you turn back into your character. Apparently, your fur, extra size, and muscle grew through your armor. The minute you transform back it just all disappears! It's almost as if you walked inside of a giant set of werewolf battle armor rather than actually transforming. As stated above, games like Skyrim do remove your gear when you transform back from being a werewolf. However, they completely missed it on the Vampire Lord form. Your armor is on before and after you change. So think of a female character in full plate gear changing into:
(wait where'd those clothes come from?)
And then changing back into full plate gear. Sure you could say it's more of a dark transformation than a physical one, but that sure as heck looks like a physical one to me. Unless your gear happens to be made from the same material as Hulk's purple pants, you should pretty much be kissing your gear goodbye when you turn into a were-beast.
57) On Heroines
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- So this funny happens to address an interesting little topic that pretty much exists everywhere, but I'd figure to look at it in the scope of fantasy. You play through countless adventures as the hero and save the day and get the girl in the end! However, let's flip this to the heroine side of it. What exactly do you get for saving the day? No seriously, stop and think about it. When the hero saves the day, he pretty much becomes a legend that no one forgets about. In several cases, they might even become king, even if he's just a lowly farmer, but hey he saved the day. Typically the hero seems to get way more benefits than the heroine. So what happens when she saves the day? Certainly there's the male equivalent for our bad@$$ heroine, right? There typically never is. Let's put it this way. The heroine pretty much has the option of hooking up with the prince, who is woefully pathetic. Honestly, it almost seems like a disservice given how much of an awesome character she is. What usually happens is she fades off into obscurity and settles down with some random dude and becomes a mother. No one remembers her in the future, and when bad things happen again, her awesome skill she had pretty much turned into absolutely nothing! It really sucks to be quite honest. I mean if the hero still has other adventurers to go on or he rises to a really high status, shouldn't the heroine get the same treatment? It just happens to be one of the many irregularities that exists within the wide world of fantasy. Wait, I just remembered something, if they don't fade into obscurity they might actually die stopping the evil villain. Did I mention how much both of these options kind of suck? Be forgotten or become a martyr. Where's the awesome Queen that arises from the story? Where's my epic action heroine, who I'll surely see more stuff about later? It's like she's no where to be found! *sigh*
58) Hidden Princess
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- Ah yes, another Princess funny. So, apparently people can only tell if your a princess based off of your royal regalia. In many cases, the princess might equip more common gear, tie her hair back (or cut it to a shorter length), and throw a bit of dirt on herself. She also equips a handy dandy bow and arrow, because apparently that's what all princesses know how to use. Honestly, I'd kill to see a Princess running around with a friggin' two-handed battle axe. That little rant aside, once she's in her new gear, no one will ever be able to tell that she is the Princess. Peasants, guards, other noblemen, and many others will just look at her as though she's just a common person, as though they forgot what one of their soon-to-be rulers looked like. That's almost like forgetting what leader of your country looks like just because they changed clothes and got a haircut. The only person who seems to know the difference is the mother or father. Everyone else is apparently blind, especially the hero.
59) Gold Armor
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- So, unless we found new properties about gold, it should pretty much be useless for armor crafting, unless it is used to make something look ornate and fancy. The only time gold should be used as armor is if there is some form of special reinforcement that goes into it for the given universe. Yet somehow, in some fantasy realms, gold can just straight up be used for armor. Honestly, there isn't much to say here other than it's kind of ridiculous without the proper explanation of how this is a thing.
60) Bad Boss Loot
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- Before I go on about this one, I'd just like to point out the easter egg I put in this one. If you stare at it closely, you'll notice that the boss is a scorpion wielding a saber or in other words a Saber-Scorpion. I'm hearing all the boo's and seeing all the facepalms now. Now, back on topic, I've noticed the lack of good loot when beating bosses in fantasy games lately. I feel like whenever I finish off a tough boss or any boss encounter, I need a fat chest full of magical goods and gold to make the trip worthwhile. Instead, I seem to lose resources delving into most dungeons. Honestly, it's a real let down. I can't tell you how many dungeons I've cleared in games like Diablo 3 or Skyrim and end up with nothing more than a bit of extra experience and a whole lot of nothing. Where's my epic loots? I expect a minimum of 1,000 gold (especially since that is nothing in most games) and all manner of great goodies to help me stock up for my next encounter. But no, it's the standard gear I got from that bandit who keeps trying to rob me, despite me being in rare plate armor by now!
Anyways, that's all for this issue of, "On Fantastical Funnies." Stay tuned for the week after when I dive further into my wild brain and chat up about some more funnies!
As usual
C&C is always welcome and appreciated!!!

Golly, there are so many things I could say to so many of these. :lol:


Since I'm pressed for time, though, I'll just say about the dragons boss fights and a lot of the other ones - you've played the Baldur's Gate series, right? Because the dragons in Baldur's Gate II are what dragons should REALLY be like. The dragons in Skyrim are sad, I agree, in the ways you pointed out.


Also, on werewolf (werebeast, ugh, should just be werewolves :P ) transformations in games: I like the werewolves in Skyrim, but I could nitpick them to death. However, if you play other games that include werewolves, you'll find quite a few of them address the transformation-armor dilemma in interesting ways. In Bloodmoon (a Morrowind expansion pack and the best werewolves ever to appear in gaming), your armor stays in your inventory, but it's all completely broken and you have to go get it repaired before you can even put it on again. In Baldur's Gate 2, there's a Druid subclass called Shapeshifter, who cannot wear armor because it would just get torn to pieces anyway and their werewolf form doesn't even need it (although they can wear a few sets of special armor in the game, one of the only ones being the Black Dragon Leather, but details). I had to go download mods for Skyrim to try and make the werewolves in there less "special ability button" things and more like actual werewolves, like in Bloodmoon, although even with mods it's hard to recapture the sheer awesomeness of the werewolves in Bloodmoon...


Just had to say those things! :P Looking forward to more of these.

On the subject of werewolves in Skyrim, I can't recommend this enough if you're on PC: http://www.nexusmods...im/mods/35470/?


Well thought out Lunar transformations, dropping gear and having to trudge back to pick it up, even a chance for an AI controlled player werewolf. 


I love it to bits.

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