Okay so like the late guy I just saw Civil War last night and boy do I have stuff to say.
1: People who hate shooting their guns.
I saw at least three people who decided to err on the side of caution and not pull a trigger on Cap or Black Widow, but instead walk up reeeaaal close to them and just kind of point the thing until their part in the choreography came up. No panning camera revealing them off to the left or right is going to hide the fact that I don't see muzzle flashes when I should be seeing an abundance of muzzle flashes. It ruined the movie for me. No exaggeration there, it ruuuined it for me. Why? Because both Cap and Black Widow should definitely be shot. And probably Falcon too, the way that guy on the roof was just waiting for the camera to turn his way to become relevant. YOU CANT FOOL ME SCREENPLAY DIRECTOR. I have object permanence in my brain.
Don't even get me started on Black Widow hiding behind a guy to protect her from the blast of the grenade, which somehow shoves her human shield up against a humvee door so hard that it rips it off its hinges, but doesn't do an enduring thing to the meat of the redhead sandwich. And let's not even talk about how grenades in enclosed spaces totally burn everything (especially voluminous, bouncy red locks and milk colored skin), and that her eardrums would be bleeding just from the pressure, with or without ear protection (which only provides 20-30db of protection).
Seriously, every time I see a guy pointing a gun at an Avenger, or walking toward an Avenger, it ruins the movie from start to finish. Because shot lined up or no, these guys should be afraid enough of the Cap or Widow to be working the trigger with reckless abandon. But no. Nope don't do that. Don't shoot Widow in her stupid mexican standoff, just order her to drop her weapon. Yeah. Great cinema there.
If there are any of you out there reading my words who still thing a mexican standoff is a great time to not shoot them down as fast as you can, consider yourself wrong. If anyone tells you to "drop the gun"/etc, it's because they're afraid of you, and the moment their mouth opens to say something about "do this or I'll do that" is the moment you should go bang until you go click. I'm sick of directors setting up stupid standoffs to build tension and thinking people buy into it. There was no reason for the guys to not shoot Black Widow. None whatsoever, beyond plot convenience, and that's boopity-shnooples.
2: How far can Cap Fall?
I'm not talking about his superhuman muscle parkouring, I'm talking about the endless times this movie that Cap falls from heights ranging one to seven stories and landing all ugly. Yeah, I get it, he has muscles. And yeah, I get it, his bones or something must be awesome too. But excuse me, did this serum make his organs extra tough too? He's always falling down stuff. In fact, plenty of people are always falling off stuff. Spidey is forgivable to a certain extent. But Rhodes? No. That fall? Don't make me laugh. He was wrecked. Ruptured organs dude. Bucky was falling down too. All over the place. I don't think anyone in this movie, from choreography to acting to screenwriting to directing have ever fallen flat on their back from so much as a foot off the ground, because in this movie Avengers and villains alike are playdough monsters who can hit the ground like a bag of sand and just roll over and get back up without so much as a shortness of breath.
Let me put this in persepective:
A throw like that is typically considered a game-ender. A guy who gets hit for a living typically can't make a recovery from that. Now imagine a fall like that, but from like, three stories up. Yeah, ouch.
And don't give me any of the "they're wearing armor" stuff because that soft floppy armor with no rigid parts isn't going to do jack squat for blunt trauma.
Too much falling with too little consequences. Sure I get it Cap is a hunk and his body never quits because that's his power. But the fact that he can get hurt by punches suggests that blunt trauma does affect him, and falling ought to as well.
3: Cap is a jerk to his friends.
Yeah, remember where
and Cap is like
Yeah, that's Cap being self absorbed and getting his friends
And then they get all mad at
as if they didn't know what they were getting into.
4: The airport fight was a writing disaster.
It was pretty cool through the most of it, not going to lie, and they definitely did a good job of showing how some of them "kissed and made up". But I feel like the writers starting writing the fight, and got really excited about some ideas, and then they realized that they wrote themselves into a corner. Because
was entirely unnecessary when he could have just shot the
for even one second, and have avoided the entire
which was made into 110% pure poppycock as
has some epiphany that Cap isn't going to stop, and so
isn't going to try to stop him with
totally stop-him-able super taserdeath bracelet.
PLOT CONVENIENCE out the wazoo. And don't even get me started on how duuuumb
was. Excuse me, excuse me, but if Galileo has taught me anything, it's that two
are going to fall at the same speed, and if
was accelerating into that descent, in a
could have reached him in time, and so there.
5: Cap is not a hero in this movie.
But Spidey was awesome. And Ant Man's "I need orange slices" was stupid. Why didn't he say something that normal adults say after a long day, like "I need a beer" or something that didn't make you feel like you missed an orange slices scene in Ant Man?
Anyways, all my nitpicking aside, I did like it. But I hate Cap and I hate Bucky and I hate that they