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Chapter One


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#1 Red Viper

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Posted 05 December 2008 - 08:48 AM

Well I thought some people might like this so here you go. If you've heard of my novel series the Legacy of the Shadow and thought it was a good idea I say continue reading. I give you the first draft of chapter one. I like it, but it may over time chnage a small bit.
Chapter One
“Today, we destroy the plague brought upon us. Today we kill that evil beast,” Kiligar said, his voice a shout,” Now we march into the foot hills and hunt down the werewolf. We will be rid of the one who took our families and friends. Now we march.”
All of the soldiers rose from their seats and screamed thanks for a great leader. They screamed and prayed to their god, Aesir, for help in this troublesome time. Then Kiligar calmed them all down and he again spoke, but in a whispher.
“Now we march.” He said. And they stood and all followed behind Kiligar, marching quickly toward the foot hills. They marched silently away from the sunset and soon the moon would come up. That would spell doom on the tribe’s warriors.
“Pick it up,” Kiligar’s second in command, Weveck said,”unless you want to be wolf’s food tonight.” That got them all moving, almost at a run the pounded behind the two captains. As they came around a hill a howl echoed over the foot hills and they raised their weapons. Axes held high for throwing, hammers pounding against shields, and swords clinked off of the icy land. Over the hill they heard the wolf howl and stomp off across the snow. They ran quickly over the hill and found it was gone.
“Well men,” Kiligar said,” we follow the tracks.” With that and a cheer from the soldiers, they ran after the wolf.
Keeping just to the side of the tracks to avoid being seen, they tried to run through the snow. The deep snow considerably slowed their progress and also caused them to become cold, which slowed them down even more. After another hour of finding nothing they stopped for a minutes to get their breath back.
“Everyone,” Kiligar said again,” We will rest here for the rest of the night. In the morning we will search for the man, so that he may never become the wolf again.” Then he turned to Weveck. “Weveck, you are the fastest amongst us. You must run back to the settlement at tell the chief that no one should be allowed into the foot hills until we return.”
“But captain,” he said,” If I leave I may be attacked on the way, and if I take my sword and shield I will go slower.” He was begging to stay, but Kiligar wasn’t listening.
“Fine, take three of the fastest men you can find with you. But there is nothing you can say that will make me order you different.” With that Weveck gathered three of the fastest men in the troop. After testing them for their fighting skills he left the encampment without saying a word.
Kiligar waved good bye, and the soldiers burst out laughing. They sat down around the fire and began to sing. They sang to Thor and prayed to the all-father. It was a hearty festival. The only thing missing was the great feast they would have had at the settlement. But still they sang with a great and deep voice and the Kiligar talked to all his men. It was a joyful time.
Then a small, strong man stood up on a rock. From behind his back he pulled a large bottle of wine. He popped it open and poured a large cupful into Kiligar’s glass.
“Thank you.” And the small man continued around with his bottle pouring more into each man’s glass.
The laughing, cheering and dancing continued for another long hour. Ten minutes after Kiligar heard a loud scream. No one needed telling and they all raised their weapons and ran to the north. Kiligar was at the back for about a minute then he ran to the front screaming,” I will lead!” They charged around the hill and saw a pool of crimson blood. A little to the left they saw Weveck and the bodies of his guard.
While looking upon the bodies of his kin Kiligar decided that his request was a bad one. They had traveled to far from the Barbarian’s settlement for Weveck to make it by running. He had sent him to his death. Kiligar fought back tears and said to himself, I will avenge them, I will kill this werewolf.
Then he heard a howl that brought his attention to the crest of a short hill. There was the werewolf, silhouetted in front of the full moon. His form outlined by the reflected white. But above he was drawn to the eyes. They were a brilliant green and shone with a reflection of the dead men. Its teeth were barred together and gleamed white.
No blood stains, Kiligar noticed. At least they weren’t eaten he told himself. Then he noticed the claws. They dripped with blood and a small puddle was formed under them. Kiligar heart beat wildly at couldn’t help but scream.
“This one is mine,” he said,” If anyone tries to help me they will die themselves. I swear I will avenge Weveck.” He slipped his sword from its sheath, and then spoke, this time to the wolf,” You will die; nothing you can say will stop me from ripping the heart from your chest. Goodbye.”
He charged, just as the sun came over the horizon. He stopped and watched as the wolf dropped to the ground. It cried out in pain and began to howl. Its howl switched between the terrible howl and a manly scream. Its upper form began to change.
Its head turned slowly into a man’s face. Its fur became hair and its arms and legs shrank into the normal human limbs. When all the fur was gone it revealed a brown tunic and a pair of black pants. Its face was scared beyond imagine and Kiligar almost felt pity, but then he remembered Weveck.
He began to change, again, but stopped and decided to discover who this man was. So he began with his questions. “Who are you?” He asked.
“I am Jacob.” The werewolf said. His voice was hinted was fear and doubt. But he answered with truth and honesty.
“What are you and why are you killing these people?” Kiligar asked. His voice was proud and angry.
“I am a werewolf tom.gif . I was sense I was at the age of nine. As for why I am killing people I have no say in that. When I shift I become a beast of primal instinct, I kill when I am endangered. This, while living near many barbarian tribes, is very common. On that note I see that you have a troop with you and I would like to address them.”
“Fine, you may speak to them, but if you try to escape you will be killed,” Kiligar said. He seemed, to Jacob any way, even angrier then before. But then Jacob began again.
“Soldier and warriors of the…”
“Black Bear tribe,” Kiligar added.
“Warriors of the Black Bear tribe, I have one thing to say to you. If I caused you any harm. Whether that is to you or a family member of friend. I am very sorry. If you had been educated you would know that when in the wolf form, you loss control of your actions. So again, I’m sorry.”
“Well thank you for that wonderful speech, Jacob,” Kiligar said. Most of the anger in his voice had dissipated, but it was not all gone. He still had to avenge the death of his second in command. “I do believe you, but I can’t let you free. For if you where to hurt another of my kin, I swear to you Jacob.” He paused for a second to let it all sink in. “If you where to cause any harm or grieve to them I promise I will send you straight to hell.”
Jacob paused to consider this, as he did he starred at the hulking barbarian. He hadn’t noticed the sheer bulk of this angry man. Even through Kiligar’s fitted leather armor Jacob saw the great mass of corded muscles underneath. He didn’t want to fight with this man or did he want to cause any more trouble, but he saw no way around it. If he was to stay alive he would need to fight his way through the ranks and travel east. If he was to leave the land of the tribes, he would have to fight.
“Fine then, you will not let me leave so you give me no other choice.” Jacob finished his statement with a single motion. He quickly drew his sword from its stealth and held it high. He wasn’t the best with a blade, but he must do this.
He charged quickly at the warriors, all the while kicking up flakes of icy snow, forming a white cloud behind him. His hammer shot forward and dug into Kiligar’s shield, it was easily batted aside. But he again struck back and again he was deflected by a shield. He spun around and hit against Kiligar’s mighty blade, Kiligar countered with a downward cut. Jacob parried, but the impact shuck his bones.
This man is strong, Jacob thought, there is no way to fight passed him. His sword came around and cut into the barbarian’s shoulder. Blood splattered across the side of his hammer and onto the snow.
He took a minute to look upon his attack and then turned and ran. When he got to the top of the hill he paused and turned to see if they were following him. They weren’t, but Kiligar was shouting at the top off his lungs.
“One day Jacob, one day I will end you,” he said. Jacob heard no more for he was already running down the other side of the hill. As he continued to run he heard loud curses, prayers and tears.
At that moment Jacob knew he had truly caused these men great pain. He considered turning back and letting them do whatever they must, as long as their pain stopped. He knew though that he could never do that. He had known these men as a child, though luckily they didn’t remember him. He knew they were cruel, and when he working he worked hard and long for these men. He truly hated them.
There was only one way to escape the pain, he had to leave the north. He would travel south along the coast. Perhaps he would travel to Theatis, a port town. There he could barricade himself in his room on the night of the full moon.
“Yes, I will go to Theatis.” He said out loud without realizing it. He was shocked at the loudness of his own voice. Perhaps Kiligar had heard him, would they follow him to Theatis.
After that he walked in silence back to his cave. His only company was his shadow, which was highlighted a dull blue against the snow. He was alone, but that’s what he hoped tot find in Theatis, friends. His boots pounded a steady rhythm on the ground. And after two hours of walking he turned one final corner and came upon his cave.
He looked upon the mess that decorated the cave and spoke.
“The mess doesn’t matter, for I am leaving this place.” He walked in, stepping over dead animals and old food, until he found his bag. He picked it up and hung it over his back. He took his belt and put it on and after it was on tight he strapped on his sword. He was careful to wipe all the blood of first.
So with one last look at his old home he walked off to the south. He never knew that danger was so close. His sense where dulled and he was tired from the previous night. If they were like normal he would have noticed the ten or so man following him. As Kiligar followed carefully he smiled. He smiled so wide that his mouth began to ach.
So what did you guys think. I want your honest opinion. I do however hope you liked it. tom.gif

#2 Gryphon

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Posted 08 December 2008 - 12:26 AM

QUOTE (Red Viper@ @ Dec 5 2008, 05:53 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
“Today, we destroy the plague brought upon us. Today we kill that evil beast,” Kiligar said, his voice a shout,”

Say "shouted" instead.

QUOTE
All of the soldiers rose from their seats and screamed thanks for a great leader. They screamed and prayed to their god, Aesir, for help in this troublesome time. Then Kiligar calmed them all down and he again spoke, but in a whispher.
“Now we march.” He said. And they stood and all followed behind Kiligar, marching quickly toward the foot hills. They marched silently away from the sunset and soon the moon would come up. That would spell doom on the tribe’s warriors.

I don't get it. They're hunting a werewolf, right? So how is it in wolf form already?

QUOTE
Over the hill they heard the wolf howl and stomp off across the snow. They ran quickly over the hill and found it was gone.

How do they hear this over their weapons clanging?

QUOTE
After testing them for their fighting skills he left the encampment without saying a word.

I'd think he'd do that before they left.

QUOTE
They were a brilliant green and shone with a reflection of the dead men.

How can they possibly see this?

QUOTE
couldn’t help but scream. “This one is mine,” he said,” If anyone tries to help me they will die themselves.

Wouldn't he need all the help he could get?

QUOTE
decided to discover who this man was. So he began with his questions. “Who are you?” He asked.

But didn't he say he wanted to kill him either way, and wanted to avenge his soldier just minutes ago? Didn't he say he'd kill the werewolf? What prompts this abrupt change?

QUOTE
“I do believe you, but I can’t let you free.

Same here. I don't think that speech would be enough to convince Kiligar.

QUOTE
“Fine then, you will not let me leave so you give me no other choice.” Jacob finished his statement with a single motion. He quickly drew his sword from its stealth and held it high.

How? Don't all of his clothes rip off when he transforms?

QUOTE
He took a minute to look upon his attack and then turned and ran. When he got to the top of the hill he paused and turned to see if they were following him. They weren’t

Why not? They can get to him easily enough.

QUOTE
“Yes, I will go to Theatis.” He said out loud without realizing it. He was shocked at the loudness of his own voice. Perhaps Kiligar had heard him, would they follow him to Theatis.

Why make him say this? Why should he reveal his hiding place in such a blatant "plot device" way?

I like how the story goes into the barbarian culture, with their feast and all, but some details are just too hard to believe and just don't work together. The general setup is interesting, but the details don't get it there.
-Gryph

Currently reading: Born to Run by Christopher McDougall, and 'Salem's Lot by Stephen King. Currently building: A MOC based on the new Space Police sets. Currently drawing: a dwarf! They're fun... Currently playing: Cortex Command and Dragon Age Currently watching: Just finished Clash of the Titans. Looking forward to Prince of Persia. Currently writing: Some world-building stuff for my stories.


#3 Kasab

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Posted 05 March 2010 - 07:18 AM

I don't mean to be imprudent, but it lacked continuity.
I found myself confused many times, and the fact that it was one giant wordwall didn't help.

But it's clear you have some good ideas. Keep working on them.

Psst. I no longer come here anymore.


#4 Lord Boar

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Posted 05 March 2010 - 07:22 AM

Dude, the last post in this topic was also over a year ago!

#5 Kasab

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Posted 05 March 2010 - 07:28 AM

Dude, the last post in this topic was also over a year ago!


FFFFFFF-

Ignore me. I'm just having a bad day.

Psst. I no longer come here anymore.





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