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Ocelot

Member Since 07 Apr 2008
Offline Last Active Today, 01:13 AM

Topics I've Started

E3 2017: Everything was Metroid

09 June 2017 - 08:07 PM

It's that time of year again, citizens of SSLF. Join me as we genuflect at the altar of brand loyalty and corporate devotion that is E3: the Electronic Entertainment Exposition. Tell me why your favourite brand could beat up my favourite brand, and I'll produce a detailed list of reasons why you're wrong, and if you think I'm letting you in this thread with calm, sober and level-headed opinions then you'd better get out right now. I will accept only the finest of kneejerk reactions, hilarious gifs, tired memes and that thing where you write the same word horizontally and vertically at the same time.
 
This year, the order in which we shall receive our bounty of hype and devastation is thus:
 
EA: Say it with me, soldiers: SPOOOOOORTS! FEETBALL! WRASSLING! ROUNDERS! RACE WALKING! I can't wait to get in the POCKET and EXECUTE THE DRIVE! OOH-RAH HUT HUT HIKE FOOOOORE! Oh, and Star Wars. Hopefully we'll get more than just a three-second glamour shot of Amy Hennig's newest hunk this year. Oh, by the way, let me tell you guys about the first time I ever saw Star Wars...
 
Microsoft: The Scorpio is coming, and with it all that good stuff associated with a new console reveal: meltdowns about price, complaints about the name, and hopefully a lot of cool games to keep said new console fed. Crackdown 3 is long overdue, we know there'll be new Forzas, Halos and Gear of Wars rolling off the production lines, and, I don't know, maybe they'll reveal that Scalebound's cancelling was just a bad joke and it'll come back. Shut up and let me dream.
 
Bethesda: We're know getting a new Voolfenschtein, and we're pretty sure there's a sequel to The Evil Within coming. Fallout 4 and Doom are coming to VR, so maybe we'll enjoy a man doing the old VR rubberneck routine on stage. Maybe they'll even tease a little bit of an Elder Scrolls? It could happen. I wouldn't say no to a spot of DLC for Prey.
 
Devolver Digital: These guys are holding a show for the first time this year, the publisher behind such games as Hotline Miami, the new Shadow Warriors, Downwell and any number of other small-ish-yet-pretty-cool games over the last few years. This is one of very few of these shows that's on at a non-ridiculous time of day for me, so I imagine you guys are going to be sleeping through it anyway :P
 
The PC Gaming Show: Like four hours of interviews with the devs of Euro Truck Simulator and the latest open-world zombie survival craze you've never heard of that makes a billion dollars a day? I don't really know what goes on at this show.
 
Ubisoft: It's confirmed that neither Aisha Tyler nor Beyond Good & Evil 2 will be there this year, but the Assassin's Creed World Engine has spooled back up to full power, and its gravitational pull has sucked a new Far Cry and a The Crew sequel along with it. I suppose the only way to know whether this heralds a return to the pre-Tom-Cuh-Lancy-ization of Ubisoft, before everything was a four-player bro-op teamchat manshooter, is to sit through this potential nightmare.
 
Sony: They dropped a lot of bombs the last few years, so I can't imagine what they have in store for this year. I expect appearances from our old pals Kratos, Spider-Man, the Claudia Black/Laura Bailey Dream Team and... I don't know, a Nissan Skyline (they probably can't delay that Gran Turismo game another full year, right?). Hideo Kojima says he isn't going to be there with Death Stranding, but you can't trust that guy. Hopefully their VR stuff will be kept to a minimum.
 
Nintendo: Their pre-recorded hype show is only 30 minutes long and focused solely on 2017 Switch games, but they're doing their Treehouse streams and ARMS and Splatoon tournaments so there's bound to be more than just the few remaining unannounced Switch games that were leaked months ago. Don't tell me you don't want to see more of Mario and the bizarrely un-deformed humans of New Donk City in Super Mario Odyssey.
 
Devil May Cry 5: While this technically isn't on the schedule, this is the year. I don't know which conference it's going to show up at, but one thing's for sure: we are 100%, definitely, guaranteed* to see Devil May Cry 5 at E3 2017, and it's going to be incredible. Vergil's going to climb straight out of hell, sweep his hair back, then tell Dante he wants his sword back, and the two of them are going to team up to fight some new big bad, and probably fight eachother at least three times, and I guess Nero and Lady and Trish can be there, but hopefully it's mostly Dante and Big Daddy V getting super motivated and styling on fools.
 
*
Spoiler
 
Here is the cross-time-zone schedule chart that I steal from NeoGAF every year so you can see when these stupid shows are on in your neck of the internet woods:
 
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I'll post links to the streams as they go live, but for now ol' Geoff Keighley's Youtube page is up and running with a countdown timer right here. Happy E3, poindexters.

Twin Peaks: Wraaaapped in plaaaastic

20 May 2017 - 09:48 PM

On the eve of the new third season coming out, I thought I'd make a thread to discuss everyone's favourite David Lynch TV show about a sweet little Pacific Midwestern town where the High School is filled with gorgeous 20-somethings, Asian women occasionally get turned into drawer handles, and Ray Wise chews so much scenery it's a wonder they didn't put him to work in the sawmill. As a bandsaw.

 

It's here that I would usually put a trailer for the new show, but as far as I know there actually isn't one. They haven't released so much as a moment of footage from the new season so far, with under 24 hours to go until the premiere. So how about a quick Twin Peaks recap to get you up to speed?

 

 

Got it? Hah, no you don't. But don't worry, you wouldn't really get it even if you'd watched the entire series and the movie, because that's just the kind of show Twin Peaks is. I wouldn't necessarily call myself a huge fan of the show, nor any of David Lynch's body of work, really, but I watched it a few years ago and... well, it's one of those things that sticks with you. One doesn't simply get Twin Peaks, but one can watch it and enjoy the atmosphere and the characters. And then eventually it'll get super weird and you won't have any idea what's going on, but even that is kind of nice in its own way. And then maybe Laura Palmer will start screaming that scream again, and staring right at the camera with her eyes open too wide and it'll be the nightmares again for you that night. One takes the good with the bad.


Prey (the 2017 one)

05 May 2017 - 08:32 AM

 

Prey, baby. I've been playing it for the last few hours, and it is really good so far. It's an immersive sim in the vein of Deus Ex and Dishonored, mixed in with a little bit of dat dere Bioshock, set on a space station full of awful monsters in the year Twenty-Thirty-Something. Also JFK lived to the age of like 115 in this universe. Does that mean anything for the overall story? I don't know, but I can't wait to find out!

 

I just threw an upgrade point into the physical strength branch of my skill tree to give myself the ability to lift heavy boxes, so I could open a path through a ventilation duct into a space lab, where I sneaked past some enemies, used my GLOO cannon to build myself a staircase of high-tech sticky foam to reach a workstation with the blueprint for a spacesuit propulsion system. I used a nearby matter fabricator to build it for myself, then opened an airlock and zoomed out into space to track down a keycard from a recently-ejected corpse, and I suspect that if you're the type of video game player attracted to immersive sims, that paragraph will be just about enough to get your mouth watering. Did I mention you can... hack into people's e-mails? (I'm in heaven with this game :P)

 

So while the sneaking, hacking, keycode-finding, alternate-path-creating antics are straight out of Deus Ex, the Bioshock-y bits come in the form of the big hub-based world you explore, and the slightly heavier emphasis on combat. While you can sneak past most enemies, I don't believe this is a game that can be ghosted, and the stealth mechanics aren't really robust enough for it anyway. I've done a fair bit of bonking these Headcrab-esque enemies called Mimics with my wrench, and this is made harder than I really feel is necessary due to a slow bonk animation, very mobile enemies and what feels like a totally unnecessary stamina bar governing how many bonks I'm allowed. I'm not crazy about this part of the game so far, but I'll see how it goes.

 

After a really excellent first hour introduction to the world, the game has settled into a fairly standard Bioshock style of progression; go here, whoops the door's locked, better go here to find the key, OK now go there, repeat. The story threads that have been teased so far are tantalizing, to say the least (Chris Avellone is credited as a co-writer), so I can't wait to see how it goes.

 

EDIT - Oh wait, the music! It's done by Mick "That guy who did Doom last year" Gordon, and it's wonderful. Mass Effect 1 vibes from all this electronica in space.


SSLF Switch Party, no dorks allowed

11 January 2017 - 10:04 PM

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You guys, we are so nearly there. Tomorrow is the big day. Less than one solar day until it all changes when the Fire Nation attacks the Switch is revealed.

 

You might ask if we really need a whole new thread to discuss this, but I put it to you fine ladies and gentlemen that, yes, we do. Mostly because I'm so super hyped I can't stand it, if we're being honest. This is it. A new video game console, from Nintendo, is about to be announced. It's going to have a Zelda on it. It has a controller with regular buttons and, crucially, it is not the Wii U. I'm excited, you guys.

 

Allow me to present you with a brief rundown of what we might expect from this event, keeping in mind that I take my list-making extremely seriously and would never ever exaggerate:

 

- It's an actual stage event being streamed live from Japan. Nintendo's rented out a whole convention hall in Tokyo for press to get hands-on time with the thing, and I believe there's a matching even in New York, too.

 

- Not to blow anyone's minds here, but they're probably going to go in pretty hard on that there Legend of Zelda. It's all but confirmed as the big killer app launch game, and it obviously looks like a cool video game.

 

- We know there's a 3D Mario, several Wii U ports and Skyrim from that last trailer they put out. I imagine there'll be a lot of Wii U ports over the years, since they're probably easy to make and nobody has actually played them because they didn't have Wii Us. You have no idea how hard I would rebuy The Wonderful 101, you guys. No. Idea.

 

- Leakers are reporting everything from Mother 3's long-awaited English release to a Switch-exclusive exclusive Beyond Good & Evil 2. A third version of Pokemon Sun/Moon entitled Stars, and some kind of unholy Ubisoft Rabbids/Mario crossover RPG, too.

 

- Devil May Cry 5, Metroid Prime 4, Scalebound and Half-Life 3 will definitely be there.

 

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Hold onto your butts, people. Hold on tight and for the love of God don't let go. It's Switch time, and your body will not be ready.

 


2016 Summer Olympic Games in Rio, #Straya

06 August 2016 - 12:18 AM

IT'S HERE! After four long years, after all the horror stories about Brazil being a toxic waste dump bristling with disease, the Opening Ceremony was this morning. And, well, I didn't watch it, because it was on at 8am on a Saturday where I am and that's no hour for any self-respecting human to be awake. Whatever, we're here for the sports, not the ceremony.

 

AND WHAT SPORTS THERE SHALL BE! I love the Olympics, but for those of you who might not be familiar with the best sports, allow me to provide you some pro tips:

 

RHYTHMIC GYMNASTICS: Think of your favourite Jackie Chan fight scene, imagine all those crazy stunts that you know would have taken him a hundred takes to get perfect, and now imagine a teenage girl doing it all in one unbroken performance for like three straight minutes. I once saw a girl throw a red bouncy ball into the air and catch it by bending over backwards and pinning it perfectly between the back of her head and her bumcheeks, and it's still the most insane thing I've ever seen a human being do. Rhythmic Gymnastics is the best Olympic Sport there is.

 

REGULAR GYMNASTICS: They might not be doing unbelievable things with hula hoops, but the non-rhythmic gymnasts ain't no slouch neither. Flips, tumbles, spins, and incredible feats of strength performed by tiny people who are so outrageously muscular they could stroll onto a Marvel film set and get cast in a second.

 

WEIGHTLIFTING: Speaking of muscles, Olympic Weightlifting is where you'll find the real Grade-A Prime Rib Beef Monsters. Quads as far as the eye can see from people who've squatted twice a day, every day of their lives. Pay special attention to the 105kg Men's class, where my favourite dude Ilya Ilyin from Kazakhstan is going to break his own World Record for like the third time by Clean and Jerking 250kg. Oh, and speaking of quads...

 

TRACK CYCLING: The common image of a cyclist is a disappointingly emaciated-looking man wearing lycra, but that's only because exhaustingly-long-distance cycling is so inexplicably popular. No, the real good stuff is in the velodrome, where human life-support systems for quads and glutes and hamstrings climb aboard two-wheeled machines without brakes or gears that are only tangentially related to the common bicycle and attempt to shatter the bounds of our reality through sheer speed. Anna Meares, Australian Olympic Team Captain and my personal thigh-dol, is coming back one last time to defend her London Gold.

 

JAVELIN, DISCUS, HAMMER THROW AND SHOT PUT: I understand why the Olympics have to include Soccer and Basketball and all that rubbish these days, but I'm not here to watch the same boring old team sports I can watch at any other time of the year. No, I want to watch the cool stuff you never get to see, and the 'throwing stuff' sports are Olympic-est to me. 

 

JUDO: I don't think I need to explain this one. It's Judo. They flip eachother. Snake, try to remember the basics of CQC.

 

Those are my personal highlights, but I'll watch pretty much anything that happens to be on during the 'Lympics. I didn't mention all the Athletics events, because those go without saying, and as an Australian there's no avoiding the Swimming because it'll be plastered over every channel for the next two weeks (and Cate Campbell is going to win all the Golds, suck it rest-of-the-world). And Archery is always good, oh and Diving is great. Table Tennis, and Shooting, and Taekwondo! You guys, the Olympics are on!

 

Let's watch sports! And also tell me what you guys are excited for!