RESULTS!
Our judges for the Fantasy ACTION Contest are:
- Saber-Scorpion
- Maverick-Werewolf
- Ryoma
- Lord Capulet
- Hurricane
Myself, Capulet, and Hurricane also provided some commentary to go with our ratings. Entries were mostly judged for the presentation and intensity of their ACTION, as well as general all-around quality and originality.
I have decided to award a First Place (Gold) and Second Place (Silver) medal for each category (LEGO, art, and writing). The LEGO category (since it has the most entries) also has a Third Place (Bronze) medal. The others do not. I will PM the first place winners about their prizes, and give the medal icons to the rest of the winners some time soon.
Without further ado, the results! The numbers by each entry's name are the average ratings. Judge comments can be found in the spoiler boxes.
LEGO:
FIRST PLACE: Battle of Terenthál Bridge (LEGO) by Thrawnie = 9.75
Spoiler
Scorp: Perhaps the most epic-scale LEGO entry we received in this contest! The selection of mostly growling LEGO heads on blue-clad soldiers adds to the action of the scene, as does the mage, although he feels almost like an afterthought over there in the corner. A most impressive entry.
Lord Capulet: This entry was my favorite of its category, and it’s clear how much time and money went into collecting and arranging all those minifigures and their equipment. The formations, the apparent urgency of the struggle, and the overall look and feel of the battle were mesmerizing. I particularly enjoyed how you contrasted the more uniform soldiers of the attacking army with the assorted, almost rag-tag defenders. Little details and variations like that definitely help a lot. While only a few of your pictures clearly showed what the officer-type guys in the center were doing, this was still an action-packed and worthy entry!
Hurricane: Gorgeous. I love the bridge, and how it's SNOT, I dig the cracks in it too. Absolutely fantastic. The fact that it's actually stilted up over a baseplate shows me how much fun you had with it, and how many ideas you've incorporated. It's principally a brudge, and using the sand baseplate definitely was a nice touch, though far from the focus. I'm a sucker for ruins too, so the crumbling was a nice touch.The armor coloring differing from the stone coloring is a nice touch too, a new option provided us from the great minifig plastic injection molders of our day. Had they have matched colors it would have been gross. The minifigures look great too. Enough variety in the armor and weapons to avoid being bland, or looking like a chess set. Your stonework is pretty good too. I would have made it come in at less of a steep angle however, but really as if that matters.
Reason I give it a 9/10 is because you said that you're not satisfied with it. That tells me that you're holding out on us, and that there are goodies that you could have made happen with more time/less frustration, etc. I think it's great though, and the action is wonderful. The tense line, the polearms crossed, and then the dude looking over as the mage is about to torch him. All good stuff. I liked the commanders in the back as well. Good minifig face choices on the red guy. Interested to know if you worked studs in on the SNOT for the soldiers to stand on?
SECOND PLACE: Blood Pit (LEGO) by Nightstalker = 9.25
Spoiler
Scorp: Awesome vignette as usual, Nightstalker! Packed with plenty of violent action. And blood! Not to mention such a wide variety of minifigs. A strong contender right out of the starting gate, to be sure.
Lord Capulet: This was an excellent entry, with good use of custom pieces and weapons, and it set the environment of the arena perfectly! The variety of fighters and spectators was stunning, though I was puzzled as to why the farmer brought his pitchfork with him (Maybe he was in a hurry and forgot he was holding it, but I digress). My only nitpicks were: 1. that the protagonist seemed to be ignoring the spikes on her caestūs, holding them at a useless angle and apparently striking with just her fingers, unless you have another explanation; and 2. that too many of the approaching gladiators had very similar poses. I realise there are limitations in lego, but there are other ways to brandish their weapons than just upward at an angle, especially if they are planning to swing them immediately afterward. Still, those were the only problems I noticed, and this MOC was very fun to look at. Well done!
Hurricane: Well made vig with a lot of minifigures. Pretty exciting for a corner vignette, I also liked how the ramparts of the pit are filled with spectators. Also a nice touch that the chick is in the act of jumping and punching a dude in the face. The walls are interesting, the windows add a nice touch, and the action is pretty great. I would gripe about how the polearms are being used totally ineffectively, but as poseability is a struggle with minifigs, I'll let that slide.
THIRD PLACE: The Desert Snake (LEGO) by Darkwoods = 8.5
Spoiler
Scorp: We have wormsnakesign! I love this one. A cool idea that doesn't go straight for a standard fantasy battle and instead shows an inventive monster attack. The ruins look great too! The skeleton and pool are nice touches. Really my only complaint is that there isn't a good establishing photo of the whole diorama at an angle. That's hardly a complaint about the MOC though, which is one of my favorite entries!
Lord Capulet: Now THIS was a solid entry, and I could almost feel the shock of your minifigs as their companion was suddenly devoured. You had a good idea, executed it brilliantly, and even added details to the scenery that made sense. Though the setting could have benefitted from some grey or brown to break the monotone color, that snake was definitely the star of the show and the focus of the action. Still, little details like that miniature marsh growing by the old well helped contribute to the setting, and the ominous bones and creatures made telling warning signs that the adventurers apparently ignored. Nicely done!
Hurricane: Fun idea. But move the snake to the middle of the vignette, with the well on the outskirts, and the ruins all around. After all, the snake is the point. It's the moment we're trying to capture, and while building the ambient is paramount, we can't stick the snake in the far corner like an addon or a distraction. I loved the well. Look at what some people have done with water and wells/springs in general, and maybe put aside ten or so dollars to bricklink.com some specific pieces to make your water even more popping.
I love this, the thirsty travellers finding water, and then being attacked by a ridiculous sand cobra. Maybe have its tail sticking out of the sand on the other side of the vignette? Bones are a good touch, but there need to be a few more. The ribcage out there is too isolated.
Once again, great idea, but it's missing so much enrichment. Study out some desert scenes, and maybe make your vignette smaller. Pack in the details, don't waste your space.
I'd love to see a rebuild!
The Siege of Torenthil Mythras (LEGO) by Nightstalker = 8.5
Spoiler
Scorp: Now that's a lot of fantasy action! Nearly as epic-scaled as Thrawnie's entry, but with more chaotic and varied action. The only thing I'm wondering is how that elf is managing to fly at the dragion like that... My bet is the ballista hits the beast first! unless the dragon manages to breathe fire on both of them beforehand. Without the dragon it feels like this MOC could simply be an adaptation of Helm's Deep. Either way, it's basically the paradigm of a fantasy action scene!
Lord Capulet: You certainly have a lot of minifigs and weapons, and you make good use of them! Scorp asked for action, and you delivered in droves! However, that seemed to work against you in this entry. I had a hard time figuring out which part of the MOC to focus my eyes on, and that can get overwhelming, especially in the smaller space that you chose. The dragon, the walls, and the ground in around them seemed unnecessarily packed and chaotic. I realize that battles can be like that, and the action you showed looked great. I just think you tried to cram too much into this space. Of course, few can deny the clever posing of your minifigs and the overall look of this pitched battle. As last stands go, this one will be quite epic.
Hurricane: First of all I want to say that the wall is tall, and it is pretty, and I love it. Second, I don't like the dragon. It takes away from the lot of stuff that's already happening, and makes a beautiful wall vignette suddenly a dragon vignette. The magic clear bricks are criticism free, because that's the rule, but maybe having the dragon slinking up the wall instead would keep him more centric to the design, instead of just sort of floating there like a giant red distraction.
Since it's about action, perhaps since most of the orcs aren't climbing or on the battlements, maybe they should all have raised shields overhead to defend from the arrow, or be carrying a battering ram or something. I'm not a big fan of the troll because he's kind of shoved off alone to the side. If there was a cracked portion of the wall, and a whole scramble of orcs around him, or orcs holding chains to guide the troll, I'd like that better. But he seems like a placeholder right now.
Actually, the more I look at the turf, the more I think it should be smaller. I feel like there's too much space on the ground, and too many minifigures filling it. Maybe taking 6/8 studs off would help? Not sure, but it doesn't seem focused. The wall is great though. More ladders maybe?
The Chase (LEGO) by Isundir = 8
Spoiler
Scorp: Love the little cobblestone road! I'm trying to determine the story you mentioned... two guys disguised themselves as bird-people in order to steal from some local animal-folk? Or, a wierd furry cult chases out two local plague doctors? Not sure. 
Either way, it's a fun scene - my only complaint is tha tthe two plague doctors don't seem to be going anywhere in a hurry or even reacting to the mob behind them.
Either way, it's a fun scene - my only complaint is tha tthe two plague doctors don't seem to be going anywhere in a hurry or even reacting to the mob behind them.
Lord Capulet: A lot of detail went into this tiny little scene, and it has certainly paid off! I am curious if these plague doctors are being driven out of some kind of beastfolk village...or if the beastly appearances of the townspeople are a recent development that they are blaming the plague doctors for… Anyway, the plague doctors have an interesting design with the matching colors, though they seem remarkably unconcerned about the mob behind them. If that was not your intent, simply posing one of them to be looking back nervously would have helped. Still, the terrain was very well done, and at least one side of the action definitely looked motivated.
Hurricane: I love it! Love it to death. Beautiful terrain, great pathway, good amount of studs versus those gray stud caps. I love the tree and the little wall in front of it is just a killer. I zoomed into that thing and loved every bit of it.
I like how much detail in in every part of it, and the colors are wonderful. The tree's colors and the green spill on the path right in the middle where it could have been its blandest really made the vignette pop. I like the curved green tiles popping out a bit by the mob. It breaks up the outline and keeps the edge from being too linear. The plague doctors and the beastmen behind. It adds enough wtf and keeps it super interesting. My only want is that the doctor's legs be in motion. They look stopped right now.
I love it. Perfect score imo.
The Bandits vs. the King's Men (LEGO) by Darkwoods = 7
Spoiler
Scorp: I feel like giving you extra points just for using that classic LEGO Castle baseplate. Boy, that takes me back! The action and scenery are both good in this one. I especially like the tiled floor.
The action and scenery are both good in this one. I especially like the tiled floor.
Lord Capulet: There was no shortage of action and violence in this entry, and you made an effective “freeze frame” of the skirmish, which does not seem to be going too well for the King’s Men. However, other than the posing of the minifigs and some elements of the scenery (like the well-made dilapidated building, complete with a random rat as spectator), nothing in this entry really stood out above the rest. This seemed like a very safe, but unambitious choice, especially compared to your other entry.
Hurricane: I have very fond memories of that baseplate. It's an old favorite, and there were many castles built on it. It's perfect for a watchtower, or a little tent on a hill. Goodness I have fond memories. Pluggin up that pit with a couple baseplates. Good times.
That beind said, I think that it took away from what you wanted to do in this case. There are a lot on unstudded surfaces that limit your space. I think it's good, I like the idea of the bandits raiding the tower, but why is the tower in such bad disrepair if it's being held by the king's men? And if it's a watchtower, how were they snuck up on so easily?
The tiled floor is good, but I think you could have chosen shades of gray to reflect stone instead of black and white. It seems out of place in a run down overgrown tower thing.
I like the brown, but maybe work more brown in with it. Like timber and stone. Maybe a partial roof that's also in ruins? I'd love that.
As it is it's a good idea, and I think you can get more out of that baseplate. But for now, it seems a little confused as to what it wants to be, and the architecture could stand some more WOW factors.
I'd love to see a rebuild! Go and look at what others have done with that baseplate!
Untitled (LEGO) by Princess Floweraven = 7.75
Spoiler
Scorp: "If you sit by the river long enough, you will see the bodies of your enemies float by." Yeah, my favorite part is definitely the poor dead guy in that river. 
Overall this is definitely a really good entry. Nice build, lots of detail, action-packed. It's a bit chaotic though - in nearly every aspect, from the build to the minifigs - which makes it somewhat hard to focus on any details.
Overall this is definitely a really good entry. Nice build, lots of detail, action-packed. It's a bit chaotic though - in nearly every aspect, from the build to the minifigs - which makes it somewhat hard to focus on any details.
Lord Capulet: In all honesty, I had trouble understanding what was happening here, at first glance. Not the battle, that was plain enough, but the setting. Since the plank/bridge was the same color as the ground, I at first thought that this was a vignette of a fight between two ships. However, the “keep out” sign and the obviously stone wall told me that the “water” I saw was simply the moat of some kind of ramshackle fortress. As for the action itself, I thought it was done quite well, especially with little details like the terrified bandit watching his friend die, or the one who seems to be in pieces...and in the moat. In short: not a bad entry, even if the scenery was a bit too confusing and “busy” for my taste.
Hurricane: Super fun. the water is very eye catching. I wish the bridge was longer and the water was wider. Also, use blue on the edges where the water ends, it'll give it the illusion of continuation, instead of an abrupt end that kind of made it feel broken.
The "Keep out" and all the brown at the top of the wall was great. The stonework is wonderful too. I really enjoyed it. But the vent pieces I didn't like so much. Maybe switch those out to something more organic. They didn't seem to fit, or it changed the wall into a steampunky machine rock wall thing, which I don't think is what you were going for.
Good facestabbing action, but yeah again, those brown marigns on the river need to go. Make them light blue if you can. Other than that, I love it, it's a really pretty piece, and the water gives it great color. Maybe try to make the bridge out of darkbrown so it doesn't match the mud/ dirt so much.
"It's a Treasure!" (LEGO) by Isundir = 7.5
Spoiler
Scorp: Excellent little dungeon! Possibly a bit empty, but it works once the action gets going. Mimics are always fun.
Lord Capulet: This little comic was both imaginative and amusing! While I was worried that there was too much empty space, it turned out to be just right for the action you had planned. I especially liked the use of the transparent studs as embers of the overturned brazier, and your clever version of a mimic. My only concern was the clear mismatch of colors with the rocks and stairs to the right. It made me confused as to the location of the scene: is it a dungeon? a castle? If so, why are these random rocks here, and why don’t they match the architecture to the left? Still, this entry was overall quite good, and enjoyable to look at, as well.
Hurricane: Good! I like it a lot. But I would say this: there is way too much unused space, and too many baseplate studs. Baseplate studs are kind of a sin in my opinion. There's all sorts of texturing or tiling that can be done with those, and if they're occupied by a bunch of minifigures it's not so bad. But tell you what, if you were to rebuild this, using the same layout, same ideas, same bricks, but half as big, I think it would be really excellent. It'd be a challenge to fit all the ideas in the smaller space, but that's what a good vignette is: it's a slice of a scene, a succinct glimpse. Lots of lots in a little space.
I'd love to see a rebuild! Make it smaller and if you have the pieces, work on a floor!
The Battle of the Shining Rocks (LEGO) by Stone Killer = 5.75
Spoiler
Scorp: Very nice! I'm happy someone used those new LEGo horses with their rearing pose! I love the fireball, but I do have a personal nitpick that it would have looked much better with the old-style LEGO flame parts than the curled fire plumes. It would have looked more like it was speeding through the air. It also feels like the rocks could be more filled out. Still, a solid entry!
Lord Capulet: My primary issue with this entry was the posing of the minifigs. Some “flavor” text to describe the events would have helped, as the positioning of the knights implies that they were in an ambush position, but the bandits? must have great reflexes, since they already look ready to fire. Also, it makes no sense for the King to be holding his sword sideways like that, and having his horse essentially mirror the other horse makes the MOC look poorly planned. Perhaps having a few more soldiers ahead or behind each other would be better, to make it look like they are actually commencing an attack instead of simply posing dramatically. The wizard’s fireball “effect” was quite clever, though, and the scenery was nicely varied (even if none of the rocks looked particularly shiny). Those are definitely good starting points to build from.
Hurricane: All good ideas, I think. Other than how the horse got up a rock wall. I don't follow that part. And who's wall is it anyways? If it was the bandit's wall, they totally gave it up with no casualties and are hiding at a terrible lower position with like, no protection. And if it's the knight's, why are they charging over it with their horses? Just a little nitpicky.
But there's too many unused studs on both sides. The focus of this can either be the minifigures, or the stonework. So study up on great lego stonework, see some good examples and try your best to replicate it. I like the idea of shining rocks (with the white rock mixed in? or is that snow?) So you can really do a lot with that. But definitely start by covering up the baseplate studs with a patchwork of plates and tiles to reflect the terrain. The rocks are just not really rocky. They don't look organic, and they're really the point of the scene. Shining rocks amirite?
Out of the Breach (LEGO) by Dalton Westmoore = 5.25
Spoiler
Scorp: Not bad, but it feels like there's a lot of wasted space, and there's a missed opportunity to have at least one pair of combatants clashing instead of merely running at each other.
Lord Capulet: I feel as if much more could have been done with this entry. It was not too poorly-executed, but the huge amount of empty space and the crowded, half-hazard posing of the orcs left me wanting more. The blurry images were an instant turn-off, and making the wall and figures the ONLY features detracted from the overall look. Some plant pieces, a broken road, or anything to break up the monotony of the baseplate would have helped. Your adventurer minifigs looked nice, though, and seemed better-placed and designed than the orcs, even if some of their armor pieces matched too well, as if they were borrowed from previous themes. In short: a good concept, but in need of improvement.
Hurricane: Looks like a rough sketch of a good idea. I don't gripe too much about the megablocks so much as the simplicity of the design. The action is currently a bunch of orcs breaching a wall, and while that's great, it was done with these huge seams. The decorative wall panels (while not always a no-no) abruptly end at the breach in a sheer line. I'm not sure it the wall was meant to be a cave wall that had been breached, or a caste wall that had tumbled, but if it was a cave then the top of the hole is definitely something that should have been included.
Also, the bricks kind of stacked in a tumbled fashion doesn't really do it for me. I'd have liked to see them studded down, even if by just one stud, diagonally and everything, or fanned out where only one side of the studs are clicked down and the other side are not. But just kind of plopped together was a bad use of bricks in my opinion.
I think it's a great idea waiting to be represented better. I'd love to see a rebuild.
Over Hill and Under Hill (LEGO) by Bilbo_Baggins = 5.25
Spoiler
Scorp: Always good to get a Tolkien entry! Too bad it's so hard to convey action with dwarf legs. Unfortunately I feel like the environment is lacking and seems rather haphazardly assembled.
Lord Capulet: This entry definitely conveyed the cramped quarters of the scene in question. Portraying a chase scene of any kind in that environment would be a challenge, but you pulled it off adequately. I also appreciated the adding of greeblies on the tunnel walls, to make it less monotonous. Unfortunately, this entry did not strike me as particularly action-packed. Only Bombur, Bilbo, and some of the goblins were posed with any sense of urgency, Gandalf and the rest of the dwarves simply looked like they were waiting in line for the restroom or something. I realize the dwarf minifigs are difficult to pose, especially in such tight spaces, so a different scene or cast might have been a better choice. Still, this was a solid and well-constructed attempt.
Hurricane: Camera angles killed this one. If you had made the walls spread wider so the edges wouldn't have appeared in the shots, that would have helped.
The problem is that you have a great idea here. Tunnels are great because of all the stonework they require. You started with the SNOT walls, which is good, but had you put a lot more effort into the stonework, this would have been a great vig.
Really the minifigures are straight out of the LOTR box, so the focus of your vig would have to have been the scene.
Here's a recommendation, the way I would have done it. Set aside some money, like 20 or so bucks, and buy some bricks for your stonework from Bricklink.com. Then really work on the tunnel. Look up some great stonework examples, and since it's a tunnel, maybe think about making the front of the vignette closed up at the top? I'm not sure how that would work or look, but these are ideas you should play with. Setting up the walls with those plates is a good idea, but you have to build on them. Make them look organic, chunky, cut or broken. The focus isn't Gandalf or the dwarves, it's the rock. So rock it! I'd love to see a rebuild!
ARTWORK:
FIRST PLACE: Dagoth Ules meets his end (art) by Dagoth = 8.75
Spoiler
Scorp: The art here is excellent! Although I can't understand the hero's head - is he some kind of strange creature? An Argonian, perhaps, since the name of this piece sounds like Elder Scrolls? I'm also not sure what the blob of orange color in the center is supposed to indicate. Fire? But these are relatively minor complaints. My favorite aspect of this piece is the eerie mood it conveys, with what appear to be worshippers (or slaves?) in the foreground not taking part in the intense action as a warrior is about to slay their monstrous master (a Seeker, possibly?). The depth of the scenery is also very impressive - I particularly like the hallway visible beneath the bridge above which the hero is leaping. Great perspective. Overall, fantastic entry.
Lord Capulet: As much as I like blue, I wasn’t particularly fond of the way it dominated your palette, though the shading and a few differing colors helped. I suppose you were trying to show how dark the room was without making everything into shades of grey, but the light source you did have in the setting seemed to be contributing little, and there was no explanation for the few clear bits of other colors. The action, however, was the redeeming part of this drawing. The freeze-frame of Dagoth’s slayer striking the killing blow while the cultists (living and dead) mindlessly or obliviously continue worshipping was a poignant image.
Hurricane: Whelp, I'm wtfffin. I love the colors, and lines, and the colors, and the weirdness. But in other cases I can't quite tell exactly what's happening. We've got a crazy shaman squid lovecraft guy about to eat it from a jumpy ninja guy with what looks like a boar's head. I like the shinesprite on the wall. That's cool. People and skeletons worshipping the squidface, that's all good. Weird fire blur adds good color, but I don't really know where it's coming from, or why, or why there's not another one on the other side.
All in all, it's pretty, and there's fun details everywhere, but key things are too undefined and I don't really know what I'm looking at sometimes. And that might be the point, but it also might be an excuse for having accidentally inked the dude's face to look like a tiny boar. I don't know, but not everything looks deliberate. Anatomy is a little dubious in places as well. But I like it!
SECOND PLACE: Untitled (art) by Ouflah = 7.25
Spoiler
Scorp: Assassin goblins! The perspective on the barbarian's hands feels a little off - it seems like the one in the back should be smaller, perhaps with his arm bent slightly. Otherwise, I like the intensity of the piece - the red sky and lightning adds to the mood a lot. one detail that would really complete the image, in my opinion, is an arm or the side/top of another goblin's head in the foreground, on one side or the bottom edge, to give us an idea of what the barbarian is facing toward.
Lord Capulet: The color you added really made this stand out from the other drawings, though I, personally, would have preferred clearer and more defined lines, especially around the characters themselves. You did well to convey an ominous setting, though I had trouble seeing what was going on in the scene. Are the goblins so good at dodging that they ended up behind the barbarian? Is he even fighting them, or is he focusing on something we can’t see in the foreground? All in all, it looks like you put some good colors into a sketch, so you convey unclear action with a good setting, but the unrefined bits keep it from becoming spectacular.
Hurricane: Looks like a dance routine. And the goblins look like sailors. Or aliens. But they don't look at all menacing... And the hammer dude doesn't even look like he's fighting them. The little wrist foils versus a big swingy hammer would be a cool fight to see, but I'm not feeling a fight in this... The colors are nice though!
Untitled (art) by DragonJedi = 6.75
Spoiler
Scorp: I shudder to imagine what that hero's plan is! The piece definitely gives an impression that he is suicidally heroic. For some reason the man's proportions look almost like a LEGO minifigure - I'm not sure if that was the intention. Either way, an impressive entry.
Lord Capulet: It’s not easy to get detail into a sketch, but you certainly tried! I can tell you wanted viewers to focus on the intimidating size of the beast, since the man with the flaming sword is almost an afterthought, or a tiny footnote. The smudges and shading did not really contribute much, though, and even though this is a sketch I felt that there was simply too much empty space, even on the monster’s neck, itself. Some color, inked lines, or some kind of background or foreground would have helped make this look more like a finished work. Still, the action you showed was powerful, implying the fear and terrible odds that true heroes must overcome.
Hurricane: Basing the vote off the action, and not so much the artistic level which I really am no good at, I just wonder to myself what's going to happen to that knight if the dragon backs up and doesn't let him land in his mouth.
The flaming sword gives me a little confidence in the dude's ability, but mostly I'm thinking "this guys is screwed..." If you could make him look more powerful? Maybe the cliff crumbling away from the force of his jump? Dunno. But it sure takes some balls to jump off a cliff at a dragon bigger than the cliff!
WRITING:
Leaning aside from the first bandit's strike with seemingly contemptuous ease, The Timberwolf's blade flicked out to guide the bandit's weapon into the path of the second bandit's slash, entangling the two weapons and leaving both men off-balance for a moment. Twisting aside from a thrust by the third bandit, The Timberwolf shifted its grip, moving its second hand from the hilt to halfway down the estoc's blunt-edged blade —holding the sword as if it were a quarterstaff. Fluidly continuing the spin, The Timberwolf brought the tip of its sword up to parry an overhead chop by the forth bandit, with a twist redirecting the bandit's blade through a loop that put it off to one side. Quickly stepping inside the fourth bandit's guard, The Timberwolf levered the other end of its weapon around to smash the sword's solid steel pommel into the bandit's face —the man reeling back from the blow, clutching at his broken teeth.
FIRST PLACE: Lone Wolf (writing) by Sareth = 8.75
Spoiler
Scorp: "Easy pickings, eh, Karn?" I don't know if the bandit named Karn was a reference to Baldur's Gate: Dark Alliance, but I'm going to assume it was. Great story! A bit cliché, perhaps, but I don't mind. The estoc seems a strange weapon choice for killing simple bandits, but at least it's an interesting one. The point is, the action was well set up and well written. Great job!
Lord Capulet: Honestly, reading this entry because it was first on the list was a mistake, because it set too high a standard for the others in the Writing category. From your well-crafted narrative to the tension you built, I just wanted to read your story over and over! I also liked the detail in which you described the action. Someone more qualified than me would have to judge the fighting techniques in detail, but to my amateur eye they seemed as realistic as they were deadly. You clearly put a lot of work into this, and showed off a great deal of talent to boot!
Hurricane: Too much banter. It's like an anime. But fun swordplay.
The bandit rider tore straight through the other side of the tent, ripped linen covers now providing them with an excellent view of the chaos in the camp. A dozen mounted raiders had torn in from the silence of the night, smashing their way through the temporary housing the caravan had established as they made a scramble for any valuables they could find. The caravan’s guards, though caught by surprise, were already in their own rush to take up spears and bring down the attackers.
SECOND PLACE: Of A Certain Half-Blood, Part 2 (writing) by Akira/Exan/Siegfried/Grant/Fluttershep = 8.25
Spoiler
Scorp: Great writing! I must say, you conveyed their age very clearly with the teenage dialogue. The action, if a bit short, was also well written and described. Cinematic, even. Nice job!
The action, if a bit short, was also well written and described. Cinematic, even. Nice job!
Lord Capulet: Like a well-dyed carpet, this entry was a beauty, and a wonder to look upon! It had enough exposition to keep readers informed, the playful banter between your main characters was light-hearted without being too “fluffy,” and the overall tone of the peaceful caravan was well set. Well, at least it was until you threw a bandit-shaped wrench into it all. When you started the action, you seamlessly changed pace, while still giving enough detail and dialogue to keep things interesting. I have now gone on to read your short story in its entirety, and look forward to seeing more of this caliber.
Hurricane: Teenagers. Lesbian teenagers? Who knows.
The Black Tavern (writing) by TehCoolDawg = 7.25
Spoiler
Scorp: Nice! Mostly very well-written, with plenty of emphasis on some visceral tavern-fight action. It would have been interesting to get a few more hints of the characters motives, but then, that's not the emphasis of this contest. Good job!
Lord Capulet: I was surprised to see writing of this quality from a newcomer, and congratulate you on your apparent talent. However, what kept you from receiving a perfect grade were a few inconsistencies, which I will address here. You made some excellent descriptions, even if you were rather heavy-handed with the black imagery, but then you would turn around and undo your work with confusing syntax or repetitive nouns. For example,, “a distraction to his true goals” makes no sense, and you described the antagonists simply as “men” about five times in a row. Also, it was a shame to go through your tensely-written action, only to find a low-grade verb like “busted” marring the page. Still, this was fun to read and implied a much deeper, darker past that your protagonist was clearly avenging. That is a tried and true formula that you can certainly continue to write from.
Hurricane: Other than the cliche of an assassination in a tavern, and everyone attacking him one at a time, and a dangerous murderchild making his first move a splash of hot tea, it was fun.
The Battle of Blackstone Citadel (writing) by SgtOceanus = 5.25
Spoiler
Scorp: A tragic tale for certain! Unfortunately there was a bit too much emphasis on dialogue over the actual action.
Lord Capulet: My main issues with this story were its pacing and length. While action scenes cannot afford to be written in excessive detail, moving the plot along too quickly keeps your audience from understanding what is going on. You showed some potential for good descriptions, but then glossed over any chance at exposition in favor of cramming more action and dialogue into your work. Your story was dramatic and tried to get me to care about your valiant heroes, but it was over before I even had a chance to build any connection to them or the events. When a character’s warcry is “For Elowin!” and I have to go back to the beginning to figure out who or what Elowin is, that is just a taste of the details that could have been developed further.
Hurricane: What business does an Elf, Man, and a Dwarf have in the Riddermark?
The Price of Victory (writing) by Dalton Westmoore = 4
Spoiler
Scorp: The setup was interesting, but took up too much of the story, when emphasis was supposed to be on the action. The action itself was described in less detail than the characters' appearances and outfits. Could be an interesting part of a longer tale, but it's not really what I was looking for in an action contest entry.
Lord Capulet: This entry started out with promise, but quickly devolved into a Star Wars: The Phantom Menace ripoff. What could have been an original tale about peace negotiations gone wrong ended up being about an inexplicably Japanese knight and his apprentice named Howie (seriously?) engaging in a pitifully short duel against a bland villain moonlighting as a Shakespearean actor. There was very little action, a lot of pointless yelling, missing prepositions and articles, and it all added up to a generally disappointing entry. Oh, and what kind of official trial by combat allows two men to fight against just one? That hardly seems fair, and shows that you know very little about the subject. You described your characters’ weapons and armor in more detail than the action you were attempting to portray, and it detracted heavily from your plagiarized narrative. If you spend a paragraph describing what your characters look like, but have them move through a fortress and around a mountain IN A SINGLE SENTENCE, you’re doing it wrong.
Hurricane: I was never really sure who was who, and japanese Qui Gon Jin asked Howie (Howie??) to train Anakin to bring balance to the force. I don't really get it. Political intrigue and etc, but the duel was supposed to be like, a duel. Then the other dude jumps in? That's not kosher. And seriously, HOWIE? Like everything else is all asian sounding. Then Howie walks in and makes the westmoore seem more asian.
