Game of Thrones: Kentucky Fried Dickon
Posted 09 August 2017 - 02:59 PM
Also remember I'm criticizing the show, not the viewers. You don't need to get all passive aggressive on me. I enjoy discussing these things, and being angery can be fun. It's not exhausting in the least.
Yeah, maybe I was a bit abrasive with how I came off. My apologies for that.
Posted 12 August 2017 - 04:42 AM
I've been putting off this season seven business because... eeeeeeh. I like this show, I suppose, but it's such a lot of mental work keeping track of who all these bozos are and which bozos hate which other bozos and who's where and what's what. I forget everything about this whole universe in between seasons and then I have to spend the first few episodes going "Sam... Sam... Tully? Sam Tully Sam TARLY Samwell Tarly that's who he is" in every scene.
So I've only watched the first episode so far, and I suppose it was OK. Arya Filch killing all the Filches would have been a good scene if I hadn't spent the entire time thinking about how stupid it is that Arya apparently killed Filch without anyone noticing, cut his face off and... I don't know, freeze-dried it or whatever they do (using only tools she could find in Filch's castle, mind), then put it on her own face and... worked on her Filch impression in front of the mirror for like a month? And wore twelve-inch lifts in her boots? And also cut off Filch's hands and turned them into gloves, because Arya clearly had old man hands in that scene. You know what? The whole Faceless Man thing is beyond repair. Just burn it all down. These masks are the dumbest thing. I can't handle it.
Meera has dragged Bran's worthless hide like four hundred miles between seasons, all the way to Castle Black, but for some reason Bran and Jon and Sansa don't meet up again in this episode (???). King Jon really needs to learn how to make lifts like Arya can, because Sansa is six inches taller than he is in every scene. I don't know, it's a scene. Jon's a King now, Sansa's undermining him because I guess she believes she knows more about Kinging than he does. Young Lady Mormont is still showing that those bear genes definitely skipped a generation between the old Lord Commander and her. I don't know, it's a scene. So is the one with Cersei and Jaime, and then the one where Euron shows up. I really can't think of anything to say here.
Or about any other part of this episode, really. Stuff happened. Ed Sheeran was there. Dany got to Westeros. Dragonstone is covered in an inch of dust even though that doesn't happen when you're in the middle of the ocean. Ugh, whatevs. Oh, and Jim Broadbent was there. Jimmy B. James B. Roadbender. He didn't really do anything, but I like that guy. A GREAT BIG BUSHY BEARD!
Alright, on to episode two, I suppose. Although I saw the Sandsnakes in the episode preview, so I might have to go and stick my head in the oven for a little bit just to get myself in the right mood first.
EDIT - YOOOOOO MISSANDEI
Alright, that was more like it. Missandei got hella nekkid and then Euron drove a boat into the Sandsnakes and killed them all! Game of Thrones is back!
I like that the magical secret of curing Greyscale is "Well, you just, like, cut it off, man". I guess nobody thought to try that for thousands of years? I don't know if that scene was supposed to be played for laughs, but I certainly had a pretty good giggle going all the way through it. Maybe it's just that Jorah has been the laughing stock of the show for like four seasons straight now, but his faces and grunts were so goofy as Sam was treating him like a slightly burnt pizza you have to scrape the charcoal off before you eat. And of course he was writing a letter addressed to 'Khaleesi' in his last moments on Earth. Let her go, dude. It's just sad now, bro. She's not into you. There's a seven year old girl running your whole family back home and she's doing a way better job of it than you ever did. You're so lame.
I loved seeing Jon put Littlefinger in his place. It's bad enough that he's still doing his Batman voice, now every time he opens his mouth it's to say some creepy stalker line and then slink off behind some bushes to leer at Sansa some more. Ugh, hate that guy. Also, I guess I'm assuming that Bran showed up at a different castle on the Wall in the first episode, because he still didn't meet up with Jon this episode and now Jon's off to see Dany, his aunt that he's definitely going to bone.
Nymeria confirmed for best Direwolf, leaving the show on her own terms before Benioff and Weiss can come up with a way to kill her for no reason.
And OH GOD THE SANDSNAKES! God they were the worst. Just the absolute worst. Much as I think Euron's entire plotline has been really dumb so far, I am eternally grateful that he ran them over in his cartoon pirate ship and murdered them all. Them with their stupid Whip Fu and throwing knives and whatever the other one had; as long as we don't talk about any time Ramsay ever did anything, this show is wonderful for showing what happens when people try to get too clever in fights. "Oh, you've brought a whip and some roundhouse kicks to our battle scene? I was thinking I'd just get really angry and hit you with my axe OH IT TURNS OUT THAT'S BETTER THAN WHIPS WHO'D'A THUNK?
Also, lol, Theon. Didn't we have a whole character development thing last season where he learnt to stop being a big wuss and started asserting himself? And now we're throwing that away for the (admittedly hilarious) shot of him jumping into the ocean like a doofus? Oh well.
Onto episode three.
EDIT - "The Three-Eyed Raven taught me"
"I thought you were the Three-Eyed Raven?"
"I told you, it's difficult to explain"
No it's not, Bran. Just say the old one taught you and now you're the new one. It's extremely easy to explain. This is like that time Morpheus told Neo he couldn't explain what the Matrix was until he took the pill, even though the Matrix is perfectly easy to explain. God, Bran, when did you become such a creeper? I used to like you.
Cersei's whole thing with Ellaria and the one remaining Sandsnake was pretty... well, boy oh boy. She's not a nice lady.
I almost wish Lady Olenna had refused the poison and tried to throw hands with Jaime or something, just as one final "screw you" to the Lannisters, but then her dying words made that scene work perfectly. Oh, Diana Rigg. Mrs Peel. I salute your memory with the greatest gif this show has ever given us:
EDIT - Episode 4: BRAN OH MY GOD YOU SUCK SO HARD. She dragged you across the entire North! LITERALLY DRAGGED YOUR WORTHLESS DORK BODY THROUGH SNOW AND ICE and that's all you have to say?
That's it. Dead to me. You blew it, Bran.
EDIT - OH DUDE IS ARYA GOING TO FIGHT BRIENNE?
EDIT - I LOVE THIS STUPID TV SHOW!
EDIT - Alright, so I know it's a cliche at this point to say "hurr hurr I could watch dragons all day", but oh man the dragons are so cool though. That battle at the end of episode 4 was incredible! Jaime trying to mount a traditional defence, not realising that Dothraki are all lunatics who will surf their horses while firing arrows or just straight up jump off their horses and start wombo combo-ing. Dany might as well be flying a fighter jet with an infinite supply of napalm bombs; Drogon's fire is so hot some of those dudes skipped right past the 'flail around while burning' stage and straight up turned to ash. Dany says 'Dracarys' and people just aren't there any more.
Like ten thousand people died in this episode. And it was awesome.
EDIT - On the subject of Arya's "Which Lady Stark?" line: I'm pretty sure that was just a little joke about how little Arya thought of Sansa last time they saw eachother. "You're telling me Sansa's in charge of Winterfell? Hah, good one. But, no, really, who's actually in charge of Wintefell", that kind of thing.
Posted 12 August 2017 - 11:48 AM
Edited by Darknoon, 12 August 2017 - 11:49 AM.
Posted 12 August 2017 - 05:05 PM
I like that the magical secret of curing Greyscale is "Well, you just, like, cut it off, man". I guess nobody thought to try that for thousands of years?
Did you miss all the times it was explicitly stated that this had been done before? Like, the part where Sam found the method in a book which was written by a guy WHO HAD DONE IT MULTIPLE TIMES? And the part where the Citadel had specifically banned its practice because a) it doesn't always work, and b) it's horribly dangerous to the person performing it? (one tiny piece of all that skin you're painfully cutting off a guy touches you, and congratulations—you have greyscale!)
Also, after cutting off the skin, you had to apply the
Colonel's Maester's secret recipe of spices antibacterial cream.
Posted 12 August 2017 - 07:18 PM
(one tiny piece of all that skin you're painfully cutting off a guy touches you, and congratulations—you have greyscale!)
But then you can just cut off all your greyscale and be fine. When the cure is as simple as "you just cut it off", and the procedure can be executed perfectly by the fat guy who cleans the chamberpots (on his first try!), it makes it ludicrous that the disease was ever a threat to begin with. Even just the idea that it's common knowledge among Maesters that it had been cured in the past, but they all swore they'd never do it again, it nutso. Can you imagine if we all decided that the smallpox was utterly incurable because some doctors died trying to cure it, even if they actually did cure it? And even thousands of years later, instead of trying to develop a safer procedure (or just wear gloves), we just shipped everyone who caught smallpox to an island?
No, wait, even the idea that cutting off the scales fixes you is ludicrous. I am not a doctor, but I am so close to being positive that that isn't how diseases work. We're talking about something that was going to worm its way into Jorah's brain within months; there's no way it's just a skin disease. I'm pretty sure you can't cure Syphilis by cutting off the lesions (note: I don't know if you actually get lesions from Syphilis, but I really want to avoid Googling 'Syphilis lesions' ).
Mostly I'm just upset that we have to put up with Jorah for the rest of the show. You just know he's going to arrive just at the right moment in a big climactic battle and save his Khaleesi like a big hero. Ugh, what a loser.
- Darknoon likes this
Posted 12 August 2017 - 08:47 PM
But then you can just cut off all your greyscale and be fine.
Except for the fact, as I mentioned before, that it doesn't always work.
Also, let me put it this way: Would you want to have large portions of your skin flayed off? (Remember, flaying? That thing the Boltons do as horrific torture?)
... Actually, that would be a great idea: the Citadel could hire Boltons (assuming there are any still alive) to perform the procedure; they'd probably be great at it. (Plus they're all evil jerks, and thus totally expendable. )
And even thousands of years later, instead of trying to develop a safer procedure (or just wear gloves), we just shipped everyone who caught smallpox to an island?
Ahem: leper colonies.
I mean, greyscale is basically just fantasy leprosy.
No, wait, even the idea that cutting off the scales fixes you is ludicrous. I am not a doctor, but I am so close to being positive that that isn't how diseases work. We're talking about something that was going to worm its way into Jorah's brain within months; there's no way it's just a skin disease.
Actually, that part made perfect sense to me. The impression I got (it's not like the books or show ever really explain how this disease works) was that greyscale first attacks the skin (where the first symptoms appear) and then slowly works its way inward.
Let's use skin cancer as a comparison. Skin cancer starts confined to the skin (hence the name ). However, if left untreated long enough it can metastasize, spreading inward to other organs—which is when it gets really serious. If caught early, when it's confined to the skin, it can often be easily treated by removing the cancerous tissue (and possibly also treating with radiation/chemo).
Jorah had not started suffering any mental effects—the only known internal symptom—yet (unless you're counting his continuing to pine over Dany ). Therefore we could assume that the greyscale had not started to move inward much yet. In that case, not only should it be treatable, but removing the scales would actually be necessary: the scaly skin is already dead or hopelessly infected, so you have to fight the infection where it's still doing damage—in the tissue underneath. Thus, you remove the flesh that's a lost cause, and apply the cure (the ointment stuff) to the underlying flesh that still has a chance.
Another comparison would be the way serious (third-degree plus) burns are treated to prevent infection: by debriding the damaged skin that's never going to heal—and which makes a prime site for infections to start—and treating the undamaged tissue beneath it.
Now, I'm not saying your complaints are without merit: It is kind of absurd that Sam so conveniently found the cure and managed to do it perfectly without any training. However, IMO, it's better than if they stretched it out for most of the season—they've got better stuff to focus on. Also, I don't hate Jorah like you apparently do, so it doesn't bother me too much.
Although I will agree that the Lady Mormont is a total BAMF. If all the (likable) main characters were to die (it's GRRM, you can never tell) she would totally be my pick for who gets the iron throne.
Posted 13 August 2017 - 07:39 PM
I mean, you're not wrong, but... I still just hate it. Jorah's whole storyline for the past year is basically:
- Jorah pines over Khaleesi
- Jorah gets Greyscale
- "Sorry Khaleesi I'm going off to die now. Hm? Get better? OK Khaleesi"
- Jorah gets his scabs cut off and is fine now
- Jorah goes back to pine over Khaleesi
What have we accomplished here? It just feels like a big waste of time. There's no character arc, just a succession of things happening that leave Jorah totally unchanged as a person. If he'd confronted his own mortality, realised there's more to life than stalking blonde chicks and used his second chance at life to go off and make something of himself, then we'd be cooking with gas. Instead he's just back to being stupid Jorah again doing his stupid Jorah stuff. God he's the worst.
Posted 14 August 2017 - 12:50 AM
Oh my God you guys! So many things happened in this episode! I was getting ready to complain about the ten minute comedy skit in the middle where Ser Davos had to shoo away two pesky Gold Cloaks, but this episode seriously got through more story than GRRM writes in a decade. I feel like we were operating on an accelerated time scale this week, where ravens basically work like text messages and sailing from Dragonstone to Eastwatch by the Sea is as easy as a cut between two shots.
btw, you jabronis can keep your Cleganebowls and your Battles of the Bastards; I'll be fine with my Donnybrook of the D___ons. There were heroes on both sides, but in the end there could be only one victor. And I think we all know who it was:
Also, who knew Drogon was such a nice boy? He just wants his scritches. Jon Snow now has two giant animal besties. Drogon? More like Brogon, mirite?
EDIT - Expert analysis of the Westeros All-Star's survival prospects:
Posted 14 August 2017 - 10:21 AM
And so the Ballad has ended, before it was truly begun.
Not quite. For you see, I have discovered a long-lost copy of the actual, totally 100%-legit, original Ballad of Dickon Tarly, written by George R.R. Martin (before he decided to change the lyrics and make it the Lannister theme song instead):
"And who are you," Drogon said, "to stand before my wrath?"
"I am Dickon, of House Tarly. And you can kiss my ***."
"Through a coat of mail, or plates of steel, dragon fire burns all."
"I care not, we Tarlys shall never kneel to y'all."
And so he burned, and so he burned, that Dickon of Tarly.
And now his corpse is charred to ash, and no one really cares.
Yes now his corpse is charred to ash, and not a soul cares.
But yeah, it was a good episode.
Oh, yeah. I was wondering:
Also: I really hope that next episode
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