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Part 3: It goes on...

Posted by Nightstalker, 04 February 2017 · 290 views

Greetings Lords and Ladies of SSLF,
 
I hope everyone has had a fantastic week! More importantly, I hope everyone is having a jolly weekend! If you're here reading this then thanks for stopping by to take a look at the rantings of a fantastical funny maker. So sit back, grab some snacks, and enjoy as I rant about ten more Fantasy Funnies!
 
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21) Oh... demons...
 
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- If you have played any fantasy game out there (or any game with demons), you have more than likely run into a demon carrying a massive weapon. Typically this weapon is as big, if not greater than their body. It's almost as though they try to make themselves look more bad@$$ by carrying something that's the size of a tree. Furthermore, their weapon typically has some "cool" name attached to it to add to the outlandish nature of their character even more. With all the hard work they put into their oversized weapons, they might as well just name it the Compensator. I mean, really, who the heck needs a weapon that big unless you're hunting a massive creature? Mortal beings have to wield these kinds of weapons to put down demons and giant monsters, but it's usually a bear to do so. Demons, typically just fight mortals, who can easily be slain by normal sized weaponry. Maybe I'm looking too much into this, but they are definitely overcompensating for something.
 
22) Unconstitutional hero weapons
 
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- Credit goes to Saber-Scorpion on this one. Have you ever noticed that most heroes/heroines carry swords? No? Well let's play a game real quickly. Name as many legendary swords from video games TTRPGs, books, movies, etc. as you possibly can. Now, try that with every other weapon class. If you're like me, you'll notice that the numbers diminish for each weapon class quickly. It basically makes it so that the chances of your hero wielding an epic sword are outrageously high. It's very rare to see someone wielding a different kind of weapon. The above funny is basically making fun of a hero who wields a pitchfork. Truth be told, a pitchfork is basically a very, low-class trident. Last I checked, tridents are some legit stabby weapons. Yet, you will never find a story where the main character wields a Refined Pitchfork +10. You can even apply this to other "unpopular" weapon classes. Let's face it, at this point, you're only really a hero if you wield an epic sword. Sorry blunt weapon wielders (unless you're a dwarf, but even still).
 
23) New hotness and witches
 
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- Remember when the term "witch" meant an old hag or disgusting looking lady that lived in the swamp? Yeah, I remember those days as well. Witches appear to have drastically changed from the ye olden days of fantasy. So how did witches change? Well, they basically became scantily clad, young women with the ability to blow your face off. While the ability to blow someone's face off is great, I want to focus on the scantily clad part. Witches seem to abuse the scantily clad part far more than any other class. It's almost as though being labeled as a witch means it's time to break out the really revealing clothing. I'll admit, some of these characters are cool, but most of the time, they seem to be far more troublesome. To make matters worse, this change has practically phased older female characters (I mean like old women with gray hair and the like) out of the picture. I'm just saying, if we can keep old wizards and warlocks around, let's keep some old witches and sorceresses around as well (even if some of them can be annoying as well).
 
24) Escorting caravans
 
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- Remember when you had to escort a caravan from point A to point B? I bet you remember! Having played a lot of video games, this is what we call an, "Escort Mission." Typically, some trader has some valuable good for sale, but can't cross the land safely because someone or something will attack him/her and steal it. Only you can help! As you travel across a long distance, aiding a slow moving vehicle across the land, fighting goblins, harpies, bandits, and <insert boss creature here>. It's kind of ridiculous. Let's face it, the world is dangerous, and you're carrying valuable goods. Shouldn't you have some kind of self-defense knowledge? No, of course not, all the trader does is scream at you to kill things because it was not important to learn how to fight with a weapon. That's where this funny comes in. You will never see a trader break out a weapon and go to town on their assailants. Think of how awesome that would be. Sure, you'd be short one quest, but that would certainly change up the typical scenario.
 
25) Gear effectiveness vs. vanity
 
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- This is something that is very near and dear to me. In certain old games (or older variants of current games), armor has both an appearance and stat values. Part of the issue with this system is that new gear has to look different from old gear. Normally, this is done through a complete palette swap of colors, textures, and visual aesthetics to indicate that this new gear is better. This isn't a problem on the stat side, but this a problem visually. For example, if I'm in a full set of Steel Armor, and my next great equipment drop is Red Dragonsteel boots, which happens to be bright red, I now end up looking like Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz. I know this was one of my biggest turn offs for Dragon Age. 98% of my characters had armor pieces that were better, but I refused to equip them because they would look terrible. But of course, gear changes are gradual, so you'll never end up completing full sets. Instead your one piece of mismatched gear soon turns into...
 
26) The effect of fantasy funny #25
 
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- A rainbow pimp suit! For those who don't know, a rainbow pimp suit is defined as a set of equipment in which each piece is a different color and clashes with the rest of the outfit. World of Warcraft had to be one of the biggest offenders of this. Until transmogrification came around, you were stuck in whatever terrible get up you had collected. What was worse was that some classes would be forced to be in these outfits because the parts of their endgame armor did not have the optimal stats. Rainbow pimp suits are a nightmare! I have two stances on games that are unwavering. 1) Matching sets of armor need to be easy to acquire. If you do not adhere to that then you must adhere to, 2) If matching sets are difficult to acquire, appearance armor must be present. Let's be real about this. No one feels like an epic hero, if they're walking around looking like a clown.
 
27) Sneak attack failures
 
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- Backstabs! Everyone loves 'em, especially if you play a stealth character. Oddly enough, I don't have many issues with them. Except for when they miss! Before I explain this, let me just take a moment to talk about backstabs in general. Typically, when you have a character that can land a backstab, there is practically 0% chance that you will miss (particularly in MMOs). However, some games treat it like a normal attack which still has the same chance to miss. This would not be an issue, if those games actually had some semblance of aggro. Now, back to the explanation, I have played a few free games where my stealth characters not only miss, but also become the main target after missing. This means that they inevitably die and take up resources, which is a pain. Given the rate of misses that I have had, it almost made having a stealthy character on my team not even worth it.
 
28) Anything but spiders!
 
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- Spiders are creepy, even in fantasy games. End of discussion. Don't argue with me; they're creepy.
 
29) Katanas, the greatest of all swords
 
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- Do I really need to explain this? In a lot of fantasy games, katanas are some of the greatest weapons. Katanas are able to deal full damage against plate wearing enemies, typically have magic enchantments, are visually appealing, are dexterous weapons (sorry strength users), to phantom hit targets (*cough* DARK SOULS *cough*), and are typically endgame weapons. Sure it might be silly that you just killed heavily armored knights with the sword like they were nothing, but that's because they are AWESOME. PERIOD.
 
30) Dice rolls and dates
 
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- So, I had a strange idea regarding table-top scenariors. Depending on whose DM'ing, you could, in theory get away with just about anything if you pass the appropriate checks. So what if you were trying to hook up with another character, and all of your rolls actually passed? I mean, it's a small chance of it happening, but what if it did happen? Then again, RNG seems to only go end up like this in the stupidest of circumstances. This reasoning led to this funny. It's an odd one, but a valid one. Unfortunately, I could never think of the scenario in which this would actually have happened.
 
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Anyways folks, that's ten for the week! I hope you all enjoyed another trip into madness! Stay tuned for 31-40 the week after.
 
As usual
C&C is always welcome and appreciated!!!
:lego_smile:




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