OK, final, official, definitive rankings of E3 2019, not counting Devolver because if we're being honest they'd win every year:
1. Nintendo: Not exactly an emphatic win by any stretch, but by showing up with a merely mediocre presentation they triumphed over all the outright bad ones. Lots of games, most of them coming out in 2019 and presented with actual gameplay footage, and a few tantalizing teases for 2020 and beyond. My salt levels over not seeing Bayonetta 3 after they announced it in 2017 know no bounds, but Astral Chain coming in a matter of weeks is a nice consolation prize. There are probably five or six Switch exclusives that I'd like to play before the end of the year, so I have to give them credit. That Breath of the Wild sequel is pretty much exactly what people had hoped for but nobody dared actually expect, too.
2. Microsoft: Everything was CG trailers for 2020 and beyond. What do they have for the rest of this year? Gears 5 with no gameplay. Ori with no gameplay. All the same shooters you can play on your PS4. With no gameplay. On the other hand, in terms of giving me a bunch of stuff I can play right now, they've actually been pretty great. They let me pay $1 to convert the 10 months of regular Game Pass I already had into 11 months of Game Pass Ultimate (which seems insane and I have no idea how they make any money on that), and a bunch of stuff to download and play right now. My grand plan to buy an Xbox and just play Game Pass games was a huge success. New backwards compatibility games, new 4K patches for stuff, and they just gave away Too Human for free to everyone. I like free stuff. Also Keanu Reeves was there.
3. Square-Enix: After that BLISTERING presentation for Final Fantasy VII Remake I thought they had this whole E3 in the bag, but then they just fizzled out into remasters and re-releases of old JRPGs I'm not familiar with, they didn't show Babylon's Fall, and the long-awaited reveal of their big Avengers project turned out to be, again, a CG trailer that gives no idea what the game will actually be. They talk about singleplayer campaigns and four-player co-op GaaS in the same breath, not mentioning how those things will co-exist, and they promise free updates, which means they're relying on microtransaction whales to subsidize the game for everyone else. And Cap looks terrible and apparently dies in the beginning. Did I mention Babylon's Fall wasn't there?
4. Bethesda: Todd came out, almost apologised for Fallout 76, and then changed the subject and pretended it was all OK. They had Shinji Mikami's protege Ikumi Nakamura, who was too pure for this world, and a new game from Arkane that might be my new favourite thing... except I don't really know what it is, because, say it with me, everything was CG trailers. They had a bunch of Elder-Scrolls-adjacent stuff that made my eyes glaze over, but Doom Eternal did look fantastic and it's still coming out this year.
5. Ubisoft: More like Eww-bisoft. More like Ubihard... to watch. More like WHY DID I WAKE UP AT 4am FOR THAT? Watch Dogs 3 looks like a fun time, but it's 2020, and then they just showed an endless procession of mindless Tom Clancying with like five different variations on the exact same modern military, assault-rifle-toting, picatinny-rail-'em-up GaaS rootin' tootin' looter shootin'. They aren't making a new Splinter Cell, but they featured Sam Fisher in some abysmal looking phone game about tactically murdering foreigners but it's OK because it has cartoony graphics. No Beyond Good & Evil 2. One new game that doesn't involve shooting a man, Gods & Monsters, and it was (all together now!) A CG TRAILER THAT GIVES YOU NO IDEA HOW IT PLAYS.
E3 2019 gets a 2/10. I have wasted hours of my life watching it, and I won't get those hours back. I will let the winner of E3 2018 render his verdict on this year's show: