OCELOT'S THOUGHTS ON SPORTS:
Water Polo: It's really dumb. When I was typing the name out I misspelt it as 'Water Poo', and I was tempted not to correct myself. That dumb feinting they do when they're about to shoot for goal is the worst, trying to psych out the goalie into lunging too early. "I'M GONNA THROW IT! Hah, you thought I was gonna throw it BUT NOW I'M TOTALLY GONNA THROW IT! Hah, tricked you again BUT THIS TIME- no not really". Imagine if Soccer players were allowed to pretend to kick the ball five times before they actually kicked it, and everyone else was bobbing about in the water so they couldn't get there in time to take the ball off him. Awful.
Race Walking: Oh my God, how did this ever become a sport? It is the absolute most ridiculous thing an able-bodied human being can do. I appreciate that it takes incredible stamina to keep it up for 20 or 50km, but how is it that the person who invented the sport never caught a glimpse of themselves in the mirror and realised, "Oh, no, I can never do this in public"?
I just imagine all the Paralympians looking on in disgust. "You've got a perfectly functioning body and that is what you're choosing to do with it?"
Basketball, Soccer, Hockey, and all the other bloody team sports that go on for the entire two bloody weeks of the bloody Olympics: Get outta here! You guys play that tosh all year round! I just want to see a Javelin every now and then, is that too much to ask? In Australia there are three channels showing 'Lympics around the clock, and at any given moment at least two of them will be showing Basketball or Hockey or Soccer or bloody Water Polo. Sometimes two channels will be showing the same Basketball game at the same time, and broadcasting it for the third time that day! Meanwhile you only get a sniff of Weightlifting on the "teehee aren't other sports weird?" highlight reel when one bloke's arm pops in half.
Sailing: I actually like this one; I promise these won't all be negative. I was watching some Aussies take their rightful place atop the dais last night and I realised I really have no clue about how sailing works. I can tie a bowline, and I know the wind goes blowy blow on the sail to make the boatie go, but apart from that the whole concept is a fascinating mystery to me. In half the events the sailors don't even sit in the boat, but rather lean right off the side as human counterweights, and just stay there for the entire race, and God the core strength those people must have!
BMX: I used to burn around on a BMX bike back in the day. I took the front brake off and moved the back brake lever over to the right, and I used to do a huge skid every time I stopped the bike (to the point where I wore a hole straight through the tyre to the inner tube), but I was only ever really good at falling off and skinning my palms. Surprisingly, though, I think I might have been an Olympic-level BMX-ist, because that's all half these dudes do anyway. In basically every race you'll see the whole pack screaming around a corner, and then they'll cut to the next camera angle and only two or three of them will still be moving, and then when the race is over they'll cut to a replay of everyone dining on some nice gourmet concrete. In every single race I watched, the guy who qualified and got to start from the left side of the starting blocks won, and everyone on the right crashed and had to carry their broken bikes over the line.
Golf: Why is this at the Olympics again? I mean, I'll watch a bit of Golf, but it's not exactly 'Faster, Higher, Stronger', is it? Imagine being back in the Olympic Village, sharing war stories with the top 1% of the top 1% of humanity's elite physical specimens, and you have to tell them you won the Gold medal because you had a really good round of Golf. One day they're going to let e-Sports into the Olympics and I'm really going to want to die, but as of now I feel comfortable saying that Golf is the least Olympic of the Olympic sports.
Long-distance sports like marathon-running, road-cycling, all that rubbish: Sprinting is better. In all aspects. It's more exciting, it doesn't take all day, and sprinters look like chiseled gods while marathon-runners look like withered old men:
When I sit down to watch a Track event and I see everyone just kind of lean over at the starting line, instead of starting in blocks like a real race, I just can't be bothered. Like, what are we even doing here? If you can't even get hyped up enough about your own race to start from blocks, why would I ever want to watch it? Anything over 400m isn't worth watching; come at me bros.
That one tackle that my Olympic Waifu Charlotte Caslick made against the American girl: Sorry I can't find a Youtube video or a gif of this because the IOC is being all weird with Olympics footage, I promise it's worth your time to click. How did she even do that? I watched it live, and I've had to replay it like fifty times since and I still don't believe it. The American girl is running straight, and Caslick has to run diagonally from the middle of the paddock, and she still manages to chase her down and bloody clean her up! And then that casual flick of the braid over the shoulder, which is pretty much where I fell in love. I wonder how much she squats.
The rowing event where they kneel in the boat and paddle on just one side like doofuses:
Come on, guys.