IT'S HERE! After four long years, after all the horror stories about Brazil being a toxic waste dump bristling with disease, the Opening Ceremony was this morning. And, well, I didn't watch it, because it was on at 8am on a Saturday where I am and that's no hour for any self-respecting human to be awake. Whatever, we're here for the sports, not the ceremony.
AND WHAT SPORTS THERE SHALL BE! I love the Olympics, but for those of you who might not be familiar with the best sports, allow me to provide you some pro tips:
RHYTHMIC GYMNASTICS: Think of your favourite Jackie Chan fight scene, imagine all those crazy stunts that you know would have taken him a hundred takes to get perfect, and now imagine a teenage girl doing it all in one unbroken performance for like three straight minutes. I once saw a girl throw a red bouncy ball into the air and catch it by bending over backwards and pinning it perfectly between the back of her head and her bumcheeks, and it's still the most insane thing I've ever seen a human being do. Rhythmic Gymnastics is the best Olympic Sport there is.
REGULAR GYMNASTICS: They might not be doing unbelievable things with hula hoops, but the non-rhythmic gymnasts ain't no slouch neither. Flips, tumbles, spins, and incredible feats of strength performed by tiny people who are so outrageously muscular they could stroll onto a Marvel film set and get cast in a second.
WEIGHTLIFTING: Speaking of muscles, Olympic Weightlifting is where you'll find the real Grade-A Prime Rib Beef Monsters. Quads as far as the eye can see from people who've squatted twice a day, every day of their lives. Pay special attention to the 105kg Men's class, where my favourite dude Ilya Ilyin from Kazakhstan is going to break his own World Record for like the third time by Clean and Jerking 250kg. Oh, and speaking of quads...
TRACK CYCLING: The common image of a cyclist is a disappointingly emaciated-looking man wearing lycra, but that's only because exhaustingly-long-distance cycling is so inexplicably popular. No, the real good stuff is in the velodrome, where human life-support systems for quads and glutes and hamstrings climb aboard two-wheeled machines without brakes or gears that are only tangentially related to the common bicycle and attempt to shatter the bounds of our reality through sheer speed. Anna Meares, Australian Olympic Team Captain and my personal thigh-dol, is coming back one last time to defend her London Gold.
JAVELIN, DISCUS, HAMMER THROW AND SHOT PUT: I understand why the Olympics have to include Soccer and Basketball and all that rubbish these days, but I'm not here to watch the same boring old team sports I can watch at any other time of the year. No, I want to watch the cool stuff you never get to see, and the 'throwing stuff' sports are Olympic-est to me.
JUDO: I don't think I need to explain this one. It's Judo. They flip eachother. Snake, try to remember the basics of CQC.
Those are my personal highlights, but I'll watch pretty much anything that happens to be on during the 'Lympics. I didn't mention all the Athletics events, because those go without saying, and as an Australian there's no avoiding the Swimming because it'll be plastered over every channel for the next two weeks (and Cate Campbell is going to win all the Golds, suck it rest-of-the-world). And Archery is always good, oh and Diving is great. Table Tennis, and Shooting, and Taekwondo! You guys, the Olympics are on!
Let's watch sports! And also tell me what you guys are excited for!