Call of Duty Modern Warfare?
More like Call of Duty: Nostril Horn-blare
More like Call of Snoot-y: Nasal Love-affair
More like... more like... OK these are really difficult puns to make. Look, you guys, I just want you to know that friendship is ended with Jennifer Connelly and Emma Stone and new best friend is Claudia Doumit, who plays Farah in the new Call of Duty, and who has the biggest, most beautiful nose I've ever seen on a human being. I'm in love. Do you know how incredible a nose needs to be for me to totally miss a 10/10 set of eyebrows sitting right above it?
What a nose. 10/10. NOTY 2019. BAFTA Nominee for Lifetime Achievement in the Field of Having a Great Big Nose.
Oh by the way I played that new Call of Duty. It was OK. Apart from a few dreadful stealth sections, I had a fun five-ish hours of Oscar Mike-ing my way through what is probably one of the better Call of Duty campaigns (of the ones I've played, at least). There was a fun sniping level where all the bad guys were so far away and in such high wind that I had to basically lob the bullets towards them, and another pretty cool small open-world kinda level where I had to lone-wolf it through a small town at night, shooting out lights and knifing fools like the modern Splinter Cell game Ubisoft refuses to make. Another memorable moment was defending a CIA safehouse from an encroaching small army who used my own light-shooting-out tactics against me, where the only way I had of illuminating the vast tract of nothing between us and them was to send up a flare from a nearby mortar and shoot as many guys as I could before the light winked out. It's a pretty good campaign, if you can stomach the... Call-of-Duty-ness of it.
OK, I'm going to get a little bit p-p-p-political here, but I promise I'll be quick. This is a ripped-from-the-headlines story about modern warfare, using all the recognisable iconography that entails: US soldiers in the Middle East, an Al Qaeda stand-in, IEDs, waterboarding and other torture, drone strikes, etc. But rather than make any kind of statement, or, gasp, criticism, this game just... pretends the Russians did it all. It's set in a world where the foreign power occupying the Middle East for decades, under whose thumb Farah and her brother up there grew up... was just Russia. In the ludicrously poor-taste section mid-game where you ARE WATERBOARDED IN A MINIGAME, it's Russia doing it. You know, waterboarding; that thing we all associate with Russia, and definitely not that other world superpower, no definitely not that one, nosirree. They go so far as to just straight up include noted actual war crime the Highway of Death in the game, and then say the Russians did it. Also it all takes place in a fictional country called Urzikstan, and the first line of the game is the terrorist leader bad guy stating into a camera that he isn't doing any terrorist-ing for religious reasons. I don't know what they were trying to do with any of this
It also has that awful thing I always hate in Call of Duty where soldiers are just aching to pointlessly throw their lives away. It's not as bad as Infinite Warfare, which had this genuinely repulsive theme running all the way through the game that all soldiers are just cogs in the machine who should gleefully kill themselves in service of THE MISSION, but it gets close at the end. You're trying to blow up an evil chemical weapons production facility, but wouldn'chaknowit, your detonator breaks and the only way to blow the bombs is for someone to manually trigger them and blow up with them! And after a brief argument of who will get the honour of vaporising themselves, the American soldier you've been playing as practically forces his commander to order him to do it. It's such a perfunctory execution of the heroic sacrifice trope that nobody even spends a second on trying to think of another way to trigger the bombs, and our guy doesn't even get so much as a peaceful eye close, fade-to-white death scene. He blows up off-screen after a few last words over walkie-talkie. It's so weird; like the writers realised that none of their soldiers had thrown their body into the gears of the machinery yet and they had to write it in at the last minute.
Anyway, that was this year's Call of Duty, then. You can still play it on Easy and run through combat encounters without ever reloading by picking up new guns whenever yours goes dry, which I really like. It has our girl up there, who is a genuinely great character on top of having a world-class schnoz. I had to download SEVENTY GIGABYTES of patch before I was even allowed to start the campaign, so maybe keep that in mind, and also maybe consider not supporting it because, man, it is super hardcore US-glorifying propaganda, but I don't know it was fine.
I've also played a few hours of Luigi's Mansion 3, which should be a nice fun time for a little while. It basically seems to be about poking and prodding at everything in every room of a spooky hotel until spoopers jump out and spoop at you, and I could go for some of that right now. Some of the shine wore off once I unlocked the in-game store and found that all this gold and cash I've been religiously sucking out of the walls with my vacuum cleaner is worth basically nothing because there's nothing interesting to buy, but maybe some more interesting stuff will show up later.