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Part 2: On the Path to Stupidity

Posted by Nightstalker, 21 January 2017 · 1,583 views

Hello and welcome denizens of SSLF!
This is officially week #2 of a long series about explaining Fantasy Funnies. Personally, I just like the opportunity to be able to sit down and rant about it. But before I continue, here's a quick little update!
You may have noticed that the Construction Zone has gotten all dusty again. Well have no fear, I will be returning with some new MOCs and a few new things throughout this week. Over the past couple of months, I have been working on yet another "big" LEGO project, which I hope everyone will like. Furthermore, I hope to have a new series of cool LEGO related stuff regarding minifigs, just to give the old place a bit more of a shine. That's about it for the update. I know, it's not really concrete details, but just keep your eyes peeled.
Anywho, let's get back to the funnies!
11) Jesters... the new face of evil
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- Jesters are interesting characters in many fantasy games. They seem to either be that "funny" guy that comes off as more of an annoyance (i.e. Dragon's Dogma) or they're a murderous psychopath (i.e. Skyrim). Either way, they make for strange characters, none of which should really be laughed at. I say this because the "funny" one typically is not funny. They usually end up doing stupid things, and you can't really get rid of them. On the other hand, the murderous psychopath is usually just a creepy character. The big thing going for the psychopath, is that you usually get the chance to get rid of them.
12) Singing Princesses
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- Oh boy... this one. For those who don't know me, I'm not a fan of anything Disney related. While I won't get on a rant about that, there is an interesting phenomena which is present in certain movies, which has also been seen in a couple of older RPGs. That my friends, is the singing princess. The princess typically has a lovely voice and can sing, which apparently has the ability to attract animals of the forest. Seriously, you might see her start singing and then the deer, birds, squirrels, and any other "cute" forest critter will come out and magically join in the song as well. But... what if their lovely singing didn't bring out the forest critters. Well, that's where this funny comes in. What if the singing attracted a dragon? Or an ogre? Or a bunch of savage orks and trolls? I bet she would stop singing in her own lands then. Shoot, the kingdom she lives in would probably try to get her to sing in enemy lands. Just think of it, weaponizing princesses.
13) Running from quick and deadly creatures
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- Now this is just silly. Have you ever noticed that there is typically that NPC in games that attempts to outrun the monster. Never mind the fact that it's a dragon, which can fly, or it's a giant, who's one step will equal 50 of your steps, or it's a werewolf, who will just run you down until your out of breath, someone always has to make a break for it. I mean, come on now! You are not getting away from this thing without fighting it. The funny thing about these moments is that the person running is never even close to being able to get away. Honestly, you'd have a better chance at hiding, which is still kinda moot anyways.
14) Plate armor vs. zombies
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- Okay fantasy nerds, let's get real for a moment. Let's get real about zombies. I know a bunch of people hate that these guys are in everything, but let's face it, you can't escape the undead (The "not" dead... wait isn't that synonymous with living?). Zombies show up in everything, but how are they a legitimate threat in most fantasy worlds? You have guys in full, plate armor walking around. Their teeth and fingernails can't possibly make it through armor made to withstand blows from the fiercest of weapons. Furthermore, most adventurers/knights/guards/soldiers/etc. are running around with the perfect killing tools, melee weapons, bows, and crossbows. Even in high numbers, it feels like a bunch of armored guards should be able to mop the floor with these idiots. Fingernails should break and teeth would turn to dust when these unholy monstrosities attempt to munch on the armor of a knight, making their attacks laughable.
15) Heroic law dictates...
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- Being a hero/heroine is awesome! You get to rob citizens, and it is okay! Wait a moment, you're sitting here saying, "But last time I tried to take something, a guard yelled, 'STOP RIGHT THERE CRIMINAL SCUM!'" Well, I'm talking about a lot of old games (and some new ones as well). Heroes of old were able to just waltz into your house and take what they needed. Had a treasure chest with your life savings of 20 rupees? Not anymore! Had an elixir stashed away for the plague? That's mine as well! Hey, what's that smell? Is that a fully cooked chicken? It was a fully cooked chicken. Before the guard realized that heroes are capable of breaking laws, it was a heroic right to force the public to "help." Chances are, if you were a hero, you were also a thief and trespasser. Eh, but those were the old days. Nowadays, guards seem to arrest me for accidentally picking up a plant (foreshadowing)... 
16) Supernatural properties of female "armor"
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- So, if you caught Part 1, you know that female lingerie is the strongest armor out there. Well, what you didn't know is that it also has magical properties. It is weather resistant! That's right, if you have a scantily clad heroine in your party in a frozen region, I bet you she will never complain about being cold. As a matter of fact, she's apparently 100% warm! Heck, my character in full plate has to wear a heavy, hide cloak to keep warm, but this lady is fine. Let's take this even further, her "armor" is even perfect in hot temperatures. What's that? You say, she's not even wearing anything so she should stay cool. You're right, she does stay cool, and maintains full armor rating! Meanwhile, my full plate hero, needs a magic, cool drink, just to make sure blazing heat doesn't fatigue him in heavy armor. He either has to do that or ditch the heavy armor for a set that won't fatigue him, which forces armor rating to plummet. Yeah, female "armor" is pretty ridiculous.
17) Why holy magic is awesome!
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- Holy magic always has an interesting place in fantasy games. Typically, a character using holy/light/white magic is a the heal/buff/resurrection (rez) bot of the team. Occasionally, you might have some crowd control (CC) abilities specifically for undead and demons, but that's usually the extent of this kind of magic (at least gaming wise). However, lately, holy magic has gotten a bit of an attitude. While it was still pretty good in tabletop games, video games have been making a push to make holy fun. Games like Dark Souls, World of Warcraft, and several others have basically helped turn holy into a magic of @$$-kicking. Given the direction things are going, calling on a deity to smite your foe is coming. Just think about it. Hey that boss literally just wiped your team, except for the healer. Well guess what, I'm calling a deity to kill you. BLAM! He's dead. Okay so that is seriously overpowered, but mark my words, one day the holy healer will become just as efficient at damage dealing!  
18) $#!@, %#$K...
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- This funny has no intelligible words. But, if you've played an MMO, you'll relate to this story. You've been raiding a dungeon every week with a group of 25 guildies. Every week, you hope to get that epic loot drop that will boost your characters stats substantially (because this is the one piece of gear that has the lowest item level compared to everything else). Every week, you've been a good raider, remembering to sacrifice and pray to RNGesus that the item will drop. Well, the item doesn't drop, and it hasn't for weeks. But today, you're feeling lucky, and RNGesus smiles upon you. The item drops and your ready to claim it. Then, you realize something terrible. You aren't the only person who needs this item. A handful of others need the item. Now, you pray that RNGesus will smile upon your loot roll. This is where this funny takes place. You are typically one of the three people. The middle person is, "RNGesus frowns upon you." You just sat up and fought through this long raid for this one moment, and you aren't even close to obtaining the item. This creates a form of sadness that is far too deep to explain.  The person on the left is, "RNGesus laughs at you." This is reserved for the second highest roll. So you roll the die and get a freakishly high number. At this point, everyone else can just quit, you aren't being beaten today. Finally the wait has paid off! Then, your happiness quickly turns to anger and salt as the person on the right receives, "RNGesus smiles upon you," and beats you out by one number. At this point, every last expletive, including some ones that you never thought existed, emit from your mouth as you quickly turn from a great, paladin lord to a salt lord. I think I'm going to stop right here. My hand is slowly turning into salt.
19) On dual wielding
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- Alright, let's face it. If you dual-wield weapons, you're a cool guy/gal. There is nothing more bad@$$ than a character who runs into battle and murdificates baddies with two weapons in hand. Whether you're the baller knighet, the suave swordsman, or the agile ranger, doesn't matter. Your title is officially, "The Cool Guy," or, "The Cool Chick." End of discussion.
20) Umm... yeah...
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- Your expecting some deep explanation aren't you? I told you in Part 1 that my brain was seriously random. This isn't even related to anything in fantasy. I just happened to have some LEGO trolls and pulled this together.
So there's the next ten. Hopefully you'll join me next time as I further explain the reasoning (or lack there of) for the next ten funnies. 
Thank you for taking the time to look at this and as usual
C&C is always welcome and appreciated!!!
Have a nice day!

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