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Xeth MacHellman

Member Since 23 Dec 2009
Offline Last Active Oct 19 2010 04:23 AM
So this baby seal walks into a club. >:P Updated 30 Jul · 0 comments

About Me

"So... I see you received the free ticket I sent you. I'm glad. I did so want you to be here. You see it doesn't matter if you catch me and send me back to the asylum... Gordon's been driven mad. I've proved my point. I've demonstrated there's no difference between me and everyone else! All it takes is one bad day to reduce the sanest man alive to lunacy. That's how far the world is from where I am. Just one bad day. You had a bad day once, am I right? I know I am. I can tell. You had a bad day and everything changed. Why else would you dress up as a flying rat? You had a bad day, and it drove you as crazy as everybody else... Only you won't admit it! You have to keep pretending that life makes sense, that there's some point to all this struggling! God, you make me want to puke. I mean, what is it with you? What made you what you are? Girlfriend killed by the mob, maybe? Brother carved up by some mugger? Something like that, I bet. Something like that... Something like that happened to me, you know. I... I'm not exactly sure what it was. Sometimes I remember it one way, sometimes another... If I'm going to have a past, I prefer it to be multiple choice! Ha ha ha! But my point is... My point is, I went crazy. When I saw what a black, awful joke the world was, I went crazy as a coot! I admit it! Why can't you? I mean, you're not unintelligent! You must see the reality of the situation. Do you know how many times we've come close to world war three over a flock of geese on a computer screen? Do you know what triggered the last world war? An argument over how many telegraph poles Germany owed it's war dept creditors! Telegraph poles! Ha ha ha ha HA! It's all a joke! Everything anybody ever valued or struggled for... it's all a monstrous, demented gag! So why can't you see the funny side? Why aren't you laughing?" - Batman: The Killing Joke

Bob The Great Man for Women
A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this...
'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.'
She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day. The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."
So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"
Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"

American Jokes?):
(Sorry if it offends a lot of you, I found it funny so I like it, jokes are aimed to be humorous, and it made me laugh, so it worked)

Chasing the American Dream does not count as exercise.

FACT: In a 2007 poll about the greatest American ever,
57.8% of Americans said Jesus.

An American walks into a Library.
15 dead.

I don't see why we Brits don't celebrate the 4th of July. Surely 234 years of being officially separate from America is something to be happy about.

How do you convince Americans to get involved in a war?
Tell them it's nearly finished.

Die Feeling Like a Woman
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

Hanging On The Line
After a bizarre cliff side accident, all eleven members of the women's outing found themselves hanging perilously from a rope over the edge of the cliff. Ten of the women were blondes and one was a brunette. After dangling there for a only a short while it became obvious that the rope would not hold all their collective weight. They decided that to prevent the rope snapping and killing them all, one of them must sacrifice themselves and let go, to save the others.
Well they talked about it for a while but no-one could decide a fair way of of choosing who should jump. Finally, the brunette, exasperated by the indecisiveness of the blondes, could see that if nobody acted soon the rope was going to snap.
To save the others she bravely decided that it must be her who made the sacrifice. She plucked up a little courage and told the others that she would jump to save them.
After giving a short but very moving speech that she hoped would be remembered after she'd gone, the blondes were so moved that they all started clapping!

Theory of Gravity
A blond and a brunette jump off the Empire State Building. It takes the blonde 3 minutes longer to hit the ground than it does or the brunette. Why?
She had to stop to ask for directions

The One Hundred Dollar Bill
Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, a smart blonde, and a dumb blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $100 on the ground. Who gets it?
Nobody. The first four don't exist and the dumb blonde thought it was a gum wrapper.

A Phew of Male & Female Sexist Jokes
Why does every man need a woman?
Because the dishes would get to piled up without one.

Why did God make women?
You think he's gonna wash the dishes? Aw HAYELL Naw!

What is the difference between a woman and a catfish?
One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.

How do you know when it's time to get a new dishwasher?
When the old one expects you to "do your share"

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing, you already told her twice.

What have you done wrong when you wife comes out of the kitchen and starts nagging you? Made the chain too long.

Why haven't any women ever gone to the moon?
It doesn't need cleaning yet.

Why do women have breasts?
So men will talk to them.

Wanna hear a funny joke?
Women's rights.

Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be hell.

Why do all men like smart women?
Opposites attract.

Why did God create man before woman?
Because your always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.

JP Buttafucco Hell
J. P. Buttafucco, the tomato millionaire, died and went to hell. Upon his arrival, an assistant demon took him on a tour of the four rooms in which he could spend eternity.
The first room was full of men standing on their heads on a brick floor.
J. P. decided against this one.
The second room was full of men standing on their heads on a wooden floor. J. P. thought this one looked better, but decided to see the other two rooms before making a choice.
The third room was full of men standing on their heads on mattresses. This looked more promising, but J. P. still wanted to see the last room.
The fourth room was full of men standing knee deep in raw sewage and drinking coffee. J. P. thought that the stuff that they were standing in was disgusting, but he decided on this room because of the coffee.
No sooner had the door closed and locked behind him when another assistant demon called out, "All right, coffee break's over. Everyone go back to standing on your head."

Dirty Boy
Wanna hear a dirty joke? A little boy falls into mud.
Wanna hear a clean joke? He takes a bath with bubbles.
Wanna hear a dirtier joke? Bubbles is Michal Jackson.

Heavens Ugliest Women
Three men were waiting at Heaven's Gate. St. Peter says, "OK, guys, pretty much anything goes up here, but whatever you do, never lie, or you will spend the rest of eternity with the ugliest women in the universe."
So they all agree and are admitted in. The first guy makes it a week before he lies about how rich he was on Earth. Bam! Right at his side appears the ugliest woman he had ever seen.
The second guy makes it another couple weeks before he lies about how smart he is. Bam! At his side appears the second ugliest woman in the universe.
So the first two guys are walking around with their monsters of women when they see their third friend walking with the hottest woman ever conceived by man. The first two guys say in unison, "How did you land with that babe when we get stuck with these nasty women?"
He nudges the babe and says, "Tell them." She says to the first two guys, "I lied."

The Bossy Wife
An old man was laying on his death bed. With only hours to live, he suddenly noticed the scent of chocolate chip cookies coming from the kitchen.
With his last bit of energy, the old man pulled himself out from his bed, across the floor to the stairs, and down the stairs to the kitchen. There, the old man's wife was baking chocolate chip cookies. With his last ounce of energy, the old man reached for a cookie.
His wife, however, quickly smacked him across the back of his hand, and exclaimed, "Leave them alone, they're for the funeral!"

Little Johnny to his Mummy (bit rude)
Little Johnny says to his mother, "Mom, is the lady next door bionic?"
"Of course not, why do you ask Little Johnny?" said his mother. "
Oh, it's just that I heard Dad telling Uncle Bob that he had screwed her eyes out!"

A Deathbed Confession
Becky was on her deathbed with her husband, John, maintaining a steady vigil by her side. As he held her fragile hand, his warm tears ran silently down his face, splashed onto her face, and roused her from her slumber.
She looked up and her pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling John," she whispered.
"Hush, my love," he said. "Go back to sleep. Shhh. Don't talk."
But she was insistent. "John," she said in her tired voice. "I have to talk. I have something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess" replied the weeping John. "It's all right. everything's all right, go to sleep now."
"No, no. I must die in peace, John. I slept with your brother, your best friend and your father."
John mustered a pained smile and stroked her hand. "Hush now Becky, don't torment yourself. I know all about it." he said, "Why do you think I poisoned you?"

We Really Can't Win!
A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. "Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."
As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms.
While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?"
"No!" she shrieked, aghast.
So, he dropped her.
As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked.
"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself.
He dropped her, too.
The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic.
"Slut!" he said, and dropped her.

The Fire Truck
A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little girl next door. The little girl is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side.
She is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog. The fireman says "Hey little girl. What are you doing?" The little girl says "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!"
The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "Little girl that sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman says. "Thanks mister", says the little girl. The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little girl has tied the dog to the wagon by it's testicles.
"Little girl", says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster."
The little girl says, "You're probably right mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren!"

Community Stats

  • Group Member
  • Active Posts 53
  • Profile Views 11,993
  • Member Title "You've failed, now suffer!"
  • Age 26 years old
  • Birthday March 10, 1994
  • Gender
    Male Male
  • Location
    GJ 1214 b
  • Interests
    Humorous stuff, Comedians, Jokes (the darker the better), Special Air Service, Britishy Goodness Stuff, Xbox 360, World of Warcraft, some Anime.

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