Jump to content


Photo

My Musings


  • Please log in to reply
3 replies to this topic

#1 Dr Blood-Snake

Dr Blood-Snake

    There are no men like me

  • Nova Member
  • 1,223 posts

Posted 08 April 2008 - 04:24 AM

My WIPs and my workings that may never be finished...please read and tell me if I should continue.


The Imperial Game



The Hammer of Gold

spaceThe landing gear on the small stubby ship went up with a mechanical whirring as the ship slowly climbed into the air. It was a highly ceremonial ship, painted deep crimson with golden ornate symbols on the short stubby wings. The cockpit glass was tinted black and slightly bubble-like in shape.
spaceInside the ship was surprisingly roomy. The back of the ship housed a small but luxurious passenger compartment. Near the centre of the room were two rather large chairs, backed in finely tooled red leather, separated by a small round table. To the side of the chairs was a small bar for drinks. The room was well lit by lights built into the ceiling where it met with the wall.
spaceGovernor Caryk Alsion sat in one of the chairs across from his brother Captain Garion. They both shared the same black hair, dark eyes and pale skin that was common in their family. Caryk however had a thinner face and his features were more angular than his brother who had a rounded face and a rather bulbous nose. “So, you’re finally returning.” Garion stated while they were sipping iced wine.
spaceCaryk gave a short, precise nod. “I’ve spent too long out here stabilising the colonies. It’s time I returned.” His voice was slow and his tone monotonous and devoid of any trace of emotion.
spaceThe small ship quickly sped through the atmosphere and out into space, where the 11th Fleet floated, just out of the atmosphere. Though the larger ships were stationary a legion of smaller craft were going from one ship to another, delivering food or soldiers. Most of the ships were red and grey, but one, at the head of the fleet was larger and sleeker in style than the rest. Instead of the red and grey or regular Fleet ships this ship was gold where it should have been grey, The Hammer of Gold
spaceThe smaller transport ship sped to the underside of the large flag-ship and docked in a large and spacious hanger. The bay doors closed behind them with a clang.
spaceCaryk pressed a button on the table for the rear door to open, when it had extended down to act as a ramp the two brothers stepped out and were immediately greeted by Captain Tarrius, captain of the ship and Admiral of the fleet. He had come with an honour guard of ten soldiers, all dressed in ceremonial armour. “Captain, have we had word from the Council?” Caryk asked with a curt politeness.
space”Yes sir.” Said the captain. He was quite a short man and fat. However he was cunning and easy to get along with, which was why Caryk had made the man Admiral. “They have rejected the appeal for your continued Governorship of Ericon and have called you back.”
spaceCaryk didn’t look as though the news were a shock. “Let us carry this on in my quarters.”
spaceThe group moved from the hanger bay and up the lift all the way to the A deck, where the bridge and the Officers quarters were.
spaceCaryk’s quarters were large with several rooms. There was a meeting room, where the Captain and Caryk and Garion were. At the far end of the room were two doors opposite each other, which led to the toilet and bedroom respectively. They all sat round a large metal table in a red and gold room. Caryk started the meeting. “This news of the council’s decision is disturbing.”
spaceGarion, who had never been privy to politics, being more of a soldier asked. “What does this mean?”
space”It means my enemies are moving against me, trying to snare me in a net before I become too powerful.” Caryk sighed. “I fear I have been gone too long and I will be as an Alien when I return to Deter.” There was a short pause. “Who spoke against me?” He asked to Tarrius.
space”It was Councillor of the Treasury Karik Selsion, sir.” He replied;
spaceCaryk never revealed his emotions, but Garion had learned to read his brother’s anger. “To think off all the favours I gave that fool, and he tries to turn the council against me!”
spaceCaptain Tarrius decided to speak. “What if you went on to familiarise yourself with the people again? If you have the support of the people the council won’t touch you.”
spaceCaryk thought that over. “If I went ahead the council would devour me while my fleet and my soldiers were making the journey through Non-Space. If I went alone I would be putting myself in their power. I can’t return without an army and men of high standing to speak on my behalf. I must send some men on ahead to do this for me. It can’t be you two. You are both too valuable to me and I will need you to speak on my behalf.”
space”What about Martin Coris?” Asked Garion
spaceCaryk mulled that over. Coris was quite lowborn, though not from the gutter, and he did have a certain cunning that would abet him well against the council. He was also rough enough to bring the Underworld gangs together, who would be instrumental in threatening the Council. “Send Coris, but give him a guard. A Platoon of men commanded by Captain Orith Van, I believe he was one of the heroes at Faril?”
spaceTarrius spoke. “Very good sir. I will see to it at once.” The Captain started to leave.
space”Also see to it they have a transport and supplies as well. I will give Coris my seal. He will have the authority to speak with my voice.”
space”Very well, sir” Said Tarrius who left the chamber with a bow.
spaceCaryk got up and started to pace. Garion could see the worry in his brother, though his face remained emotionless. “The situation is bad, brother.” Said Caryk. “But I shall find who is moving against me, and they will have bought down the wrath of Caryk Alsion upon themselves. I was prepared to live out my days in the outer colonies as governor of Erricon, but now they have sought to provoke me. I will start with Selsion, but I will not stop with him.”

spaceCaptain Orith Van was on C-deck, where most of the training rooms were. Presently he was near the end of the deck, at the shooting range. Orith was a tall, thin man with sharp features and short, curly, blonde hair. His body, while skinny was muscular. He was wearing simple army fatigues and an army issue shirt; the Deteran Dragon was stitched onto the breast. He was just finishing storing his rifle away in the locker ton his left when the door behind him opened.
spaceAdmiral and Captain Tarrius stepped into the room. Orith Saluted and straightened up his posture. “Sir” He said loudly.
spaceTarrius waved his hand. “As you were.” Orith lowered his arm from his temple, but kept his feet firmly together and his back straight. “Captain Van. I have orders from Governor Caryk that you are to command a Platoon of soldiers on a mission to Deter.”
space”What is our MO, sir?” Orith asked, he wasn’t sure he liked the idea of Combat in Deter.
space”You will be protecting Martin Coris from…well anyone who tries to do him harm. Now I’ll need you to follow me to the hanger.”
space”Sir, my uniform…” Started Orith
space”Never mind that Captain Van, there is suitable uniform in the transport, along with armour, arms and everything you might want.” They began to walk. “I understand you live on Deter, near to where you will be stationed.”
space”That is good to know, sir.” The two officers engaged in a candidly polite conversation walking to the hanger.
spaceOrith was taken to the hanger on B-Deck, where the large craft were kept. Orith immediately recognised the ship he would be taking. It was long and thin, with large engines glowing blue at the back of the craft. Around a ramp at the back were about fifty men, wearing fatigues and shirts. They all saluted when they saw Admiral Tarrius. A short man with short black hair and a long face stepped forward to greet the admiral. He wasn’t wearing the fatigues the rest of the soldiers were; instead he was wearing ceremonial robes, the colour of blood with the Dragon of Deter on the sleeve. How didn’t I spot him. Tarrius turned to Orith. “Captain Van, this is Martin Coris.” Coris held his hand out.
spaceOrith shook it. “It’s a pleasure to meet you sir.” He said politely.
spaceTarrius was eager to get the mission underway. “Well, I trust you all know your mission, good luck gentlemen, we shall arrive, hopefully not too long after you.”
spaceTarrius and Coris shook hands then Tarrius departed and Coris walked into the ship, leaving Orith with his men. “Which of you men is the Lieutenant?”
spaceA large man walked forward. He was taller than the rest of the men by at least a head. His hair was nothing but stubble, which extended from his head to his chin, wrapping its self around his mouth. “I am Lieutenant Jaryk Palan.”
space”You are my second in command.” Orith said. The Lieutenant came to stand by Orith’s side. “Squad formation.” Barked Orith.
spaceThe soldiers organised themselves into squads and lined up. One by one Orith ordered them into the ship, with Orith and Palan going last, the door closing behind them.


Please tell me what you think of this one, as I'm really into the story and I want to know if people will read it, though I'm tempted to take the basic story line and put it in a Roman-Style era I've been working on.

"Do you still love her?"
"Almost as much as I hate her."


#2 Archangel

Archangel

    Mastermind Medic

  • Member
  • 118 posts

Posted 09 April 2008 - 10:44 AM

Just a quick reply, I just sort of scanned the document, and I noticed you started nearly every new paragraph with a name, unless the new paragraph was dialogue. You need variety and different actions to keep the attention of readers/ If you only have, "So-and-so did this. / So-and-so did that," it'll be boring.

I'll take some time to read it and give more comments in a few.

"The darkest places in hell are reserved for those who maintain their neutrality in times of moral crisis." - Dante

Check out my flickr.

Spoiler

#3 Dr Blood-Snake

Dr Blood-Snake

    There are no men like me

  • Nova Member
  • 1,223 posts

Posted 10 April 2008 - 01:23 AM

QUOTE (Archangel @ Apr 9 2008, 12:47 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Just a quick reply, I just sort of scanned the document, and I noticed you started nearly every new paragraph with a name, unless the new paragraph was dialogue. You need variety and different actions to keep the attention of readers/ If you only have, "So-and-so did this. / So-and-so did that," it'll be boring.

I'll take some time to read it and give more comments in a few.


Did I? I'll have to re-read. I do try to avoid that sort of thing. Anyway, I think I'm not going to continue with this one anyway. I think I'll keep to a similar sort of story but in a Roman-esque world.

"Do you still love her?"
"Almost as much as I hate her."


#4 Dr Blood-Snake

Dr Blood-Snake

    There are no men like me

  • Nova Member
  • 1,223 posts

Posted 11 April 2008 - 06:00 AM

This is just a part of the prequel to my Wylfgard fanfic, Valkrin. This part is going to be called Todsig, it starts out with Todsig as a young imperial soldier and shows his rise through the ranks.


spaceThe small trail twisted and turned for miles through the dense swampy land. The ground underfoot was soft, muddy and eerily warm. Trees lined the sunken path, raised up on banks of earth as a man, the dense woodland growing tall and thin, their wide leaves blocking the sun, leaving the column of marching men in a dim parody of day light.
spaceThe column was five men wide, as wide as the sunken path would allow and twelve men deep. All men were on foot and dressed in oddments of chainmail, their weapons dull and damaged from the fighting. All except for their leader. He was a young knight from Ilikon, dressed in the silvery plate and mail of an Imperial Captain; he stood a deal taller than his men mounted on a horse, a young brown courser barded with gold, silver and blue. His name was Sir Sileron Barding
spaceTodsig Valkrin was marching in the ranks without thinking, just concentrating putting one mud heavy foot in front of the other. He was tired, from the endless march, he was sweating from a combination of the heat and his half helm, which he couldn’t take off for he had no way to carry it and his sword and shield not to mention his back and shoulders ached from the mail he was wearing.
spaceThe column moved in silence, not daring to talk. Two days ago they had marched from a fort south of the swamp with twice as many men led by Sir General Wanning. Since then the group had been ambushed twice by Lizardmen. The first time Todsig had beheld them he pissed his mud stained breeches, and did so again when the man in front of him had been hewn in half by the poleaxe of a Beast with skin as black as death and eyes as red as blood. The second attack came the night after the first, which was even more terrifying.
spaceWanning was slain. Todsig had got caught up in the chaos of the battle. He and two men had wounded one of the Lizardmen, though the two others later died of their wounds. After that Todsig was left battered and bruised, but alive, and weary of further attack.
spaceThe ambushes weren’t the only thing dwindling their numbers. Since the first attack men had been stealing away in the night. Had he not being educated Todsig would have gone with them. He knew that these swamps could not be mapped, and if the bogs didn’t get him...the Lizards would.
spaceSuch disantry wasn’t localised to desertion either. In the ranks, around the camp fires there was talk of mutiny. Todsig didn’t join in such talk anymore than he wished to desert. Such actions were cowardly, and whatever else was said of Todsig Valkrin, he was no coward, or a tunrcloak.
spaceTodsig shuffled along for hours and hours down the humid, dirty path growing more and more tired. He felt if the march kept at its present pace, or if they didn’t stop soon he would die. His chest felt as though it was on fire, and his legs felt like lead.
spaceFrom deep in the forest there was a sudden ‘Squawk.’ The noise made Todsig grab the hilt of his blade and a murmer went down the ranks, some of the men moved back a few paces. At this Captain Barding turned his horse to face his men. “Get back into formation!” He bellowed. The men just shuffled about. “Get back!” He barked again, this time drawing his sword. “Whoever remains out of rank at the count of three shall be flogged. 200 lashes.”
spaceDiscontent the men started shuffling back into their lines. Suddenly a snarl ripped through the silence that had taken hold. Then more snarls. The men looked around for the source of the snarling. The Captain was turning his horse on the spot, doing likewise. The snarls were coming from both sides of the path.
spaceValkrin lurched sideways and an arrow sprouted from the leg of the soldier next to him, blood seeping into his leather breeches while he screamed, writhing on the floor. Suddenly lizardmen poured from the trees, flooding the dirty path.

"Do you still love her?"
"Almost as much as I hate her."





0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users

,