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SSLF's #1 Reylo Shipping Thread, feat. Star Wars

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Poll: Star Wars!

Who's the best Star Wars couple?

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#2021 Ocelot



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Posted 18 January 2018 - 08:08 AM

Oh hey you guys, I just watched this really old movie called The Empire Strikes Back, and, I don't know, I guess it was fine if you like that kind of thing, but personally I can't enjoy a movie that has so many PUHLAAAAAWTHOOOOOLES.


- It starts off with Luke riding around this dangerous ice planet on some dumb muppet or something, and then, almost immediately, he gets clobbered by a giant ice monster. Yet it's clearly shown that there are big floating snow cars back at their base, so why wouldn't he just be driving one of those around? What an obvious contrivance. Oh, but I guess we're just supposed to ignore Saturday morning cartoon level writing like that, right? Psh.


- Luke is left hanging from the icy ceiling of the monster's cave (I guess the monster has ice powers too? Gimme a break...), and we see him struggle to pull his lightsabre to him. Struggle! Wookieepedia clearly states that it has been three years since A New Hope; are we to believe he still hasn't mastered this simplest of Jedi techniques all that time later?


- Why would the Empire land so far away from the Rebel base? They could just have dropped their AT-ATs closer and they would have easily killed all the Rebels. And why would they use walking machines that have such long legs that could be tripped so easily? It doesn't take a genius to know the Rebels would just try and knock them over. They should have used tanks.


- So Luke just accidentally lands right next to Yoda's hut on Dagobah? A whole planet, and he hits not just the right continent, not just the right post code, but like ten feet away? That's too unbelievable, I'm sorry.


- WHOSE IDEA WAS IT TO HAVE THEM FLY INTO A SPACE WORM? What a waste of time! What, they just accidentally fly in and then fly straight out again? It adds nothing to the movie. Ugh.


- Luke goes into a spooky cave full of snakes (uh, shouldn't they be alien species? What is this just on Earth or something?) and fights Darth Vader in slow motion like it's The Matrix or something. Star Wars doesn't use slow motion. Didn't they even watch A New Hope?


- Alright, the dumbest part of all: Han Solo tricks the whole Empire by just landing on the back of a Star Destroyer and nobody is clever enough to work out what's going on? He's right there! You could just look out the space window and see him! I can't believe they expect us to believe the Empire would fall for such a stupid trick.


- There just happens to be a planet nearby for Han Solo to reach, that just happens to be run by an old friend of his. Yeah, OK, whatever. But did this planet also have to be the slapstick comedy planet, where C-3PO gets sworn at by a silver C-3PO, and then some gross little goblins play keepaway when Chewie tries to pick up all his bodyparts? Threepio ruins literally every scene with his stupid 'comedy' lines. Even when Han Solo is getting frozen he just yaps away about how he can't see. It totally goes against the tone of the scene.


- Why would Darth Vader blast Luke out that window when he was trying to keep him alive to bring him to the Emperor? And why didn't he just Force Pull Luke back up to the platform after Luke jumped off? He should have just got someone to bring him the schematics of Cloud City to see where that shaft led so he could go and get Luke.


- And then, what, Luke saves himself by just calling out to Leia? Like the Force is a walkie talkie or something? Talk about your deus ex machinas. Oh, and they just give him a new hand at the end? What was the point of him losing it, then?


So yeah, I mean, I guess it had strong characters and enjoyable writing and you could conceivably have a fun time if you just turned your brain off, but if you judge it by the only parameter that matters, which is of course whether the nitty-gritty details of its plot are 100% airtight when exposed to scrutiny, you'll see it clearly falls well short. Y'know, these blockbuster movies are so lazy these days, just sold to the slobbering masses who want their popcorn and their special effects. I'm sorry, but I like a bit of effort put into my movies.



#2022 Dalton Westmoore

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    That was Dramatic.

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Posted 18 January 2018 - 09:44 AM



I can't tell if this is a joke post or not.

#2023 ABSplastic



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Posted 18 January 2018 - 11:33 AM

He mad lol.

#2024 Sareth


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Posted 18 January 2018 - 12:29 PM

You forgot a couple, Ocelot:


- They killed off Dak---a super important character; he was introduced like Luke's (best?) friend for crying out loud!---after about 1 minute of screentime and two short lines of dialogue. And then the movie had the audacity to continue on like he never existed.


- How the heck did the Empire BEAT Han & co. to Cloud City, when they only knew they were headed there because of Boba Fett tailing them (tailing: as in following BEHIND)?






Edit: "Reyinn", really? Major fail for whoever did the latest poll. Rey+Finn's portmanteau name should clearly be "FRey." Or "FiRey" (pronounced 'fiery').  :D


Edit2: And this poll is totally missing some of the movie's best couples, like: Chewie x Porg ("Chorg"?); Leia x The Cold Hard Vacuum of Space (I say we call this one "Leice" for short); and the obvious best couple, Raddus x Supremacy ("Starburst"---theirs was a doomed love).

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#2025 Dalton Westmoore

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    That was Dramatic.

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Posted 18 January 2018 - 12:40 PM

I'm just trying to figure out what Snouke is. :D


EDIT: Oh, I just realized that its Snoke and Luke.


Ocelot, you have problems.

#2026 Ocelot



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Posted 18 January 2018 - 09:35 PM

Edit: "Reyinn", really? Major fail for whoever did the latest poll. Rey+Finn's portmanteau name should clearly be "FRey." Or "FiRey" (pronounced 'fiery').  :D


No, it's definitely Reyinn. Like 'rain'. Like, "Hey, sorry to Reyinn on your parade, Rey/Finn shippers, but she's clearly in love with Kylo Ren".


Remember when it was 100% canon that Kylo sent Rey such hot shirtless pics through Forcechat that she skipped flirting altogether and literally packed herself up and mailed herself to him in a box? Not even Legends. Not even EU. Straight up, pure, uncut canon, baby.

#2027 Ocelot



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Posted Today, 02:25 AM

I watched all those Star Warses again. I can't actually remember the last time I rewatched the Original Trilogy; they're so firmly entrenched in my mind that at this point that I hardly need to, but it's nice to watch'em all over again all the same. I watched the good old Harmy Despecialized Editions for ESB and ROTJ, but for A New Hope I went with The Silver Screen Cut, which is a newer fan restoration project based on an original film reel, I believe. Actually there's apparently an even newer fan restoration of the movie that was once just called Star Wars, in 4K this time, seemingly coming out pretty soon, but I think the Silver Screen version is the best one available at the moment (I'm not going to link to these since I don't want to get Scorp's site lit up by Disney's copyright lawyers, so you'll have to Google these).


So I know there's not really much you can say that hasn't already been said about the Original Trilogy, but one thing I've seen popping up more and more often in the Hot-Take-o-Sphere that is 2018's internet culture is "Was Star Wars ever even good anyway?". Well, I can say with some confidence that, for at least the first two movies, Star Wars was very good indeed. Like, shockingly good, in fact. Even knowing that I love these movies, I was still surprised by just how much I enjoyed rewatching them. The characters have such wonderful rapport, the space adventures are such thrilling escapades; it's just top notch movie-watching goodness, baby. Even when the seams start to show, like some of A New Hope's special effects or some surprisingly bad performances by some of the actors who only have a line or two (there's one Rebel officer on Hoth who looks so awkward and clearly doesn't know what to do with his hands :P), you just can't help but get swept up in all of it.


That is until Return of the Jedi rolls around, which juuuust doesn't hold up its end of the bargain. It's the only one of the three where I found my attention wandering away from the movie. It isn't bad at all, it's just... I don't know, I don't think it's on par with the first two. I enjoy the whole Jabba's Palace part, but I can't help the feeling that it should have been a quicker, snappier cold opening action/heist scene. Like in Empire Strikes Back, Luke gets Wampo-combo'd, then shows us a new Force power to get out of it, sees a vision of Ben to set up his plot for the movie, then Han comes to rescue him with everyone's favourite line about smelly Tauntaun guts. Bing bang boom, it's over in ten minutes and then you're ready to go for the rest of the movie. Jabba's Palace just goes on and on, with all the characters arriving separately, one after the other in their own skits, a musical interlude (that of course goes on even longer in the Special Edition), the Rancor fight and the big desert skiff setpiece. It's all fun and enjoyable, but compared to the razor-sharp ANH and ESB it really feels like they could have trimmed a good few scenes out for the better.


And you obviously can't talk about ROTJ without mentioning the Ewoks. I've made my peace with the idea of our pals befriending a tribe of forest teddy bears who win the day by bonking the Empire with sticks, but I didn't remember the parts where Leia becomes their Queen and C-3PO becomes their deity, and they all sit around a campfire while Threepio tells them the entire story of Star Wars so far (complete with sound effects). Boy oh boy, you want to talk about draaaaaagging things out.


But, of course, it all ends on one hell of a high note, as long as you don't mind it being intercut with the Ted Offensive and Han Solo's Looney Tunes antics. That big ol' space battle is still an absolutely incredible feat of practical-effects-ery, and Sheev's showdown a brilliant culmination of everything that Star Wars had been up to that point. I couldn't help but marvel at how wrong Lucas got this movie when he edited a "NOOOO!" into Darth Vader's sacrifice and then had him show up as Hayden Christensen at the end in his later editions, but I don't think we need to get into that all over again.


So, that was the ol' Star Wars Original Trilogy. Two absolutely fantastic movies and one pretty good one. I've been riding this Star Wars high for a solid month now and it shows no sign of slowing down. If I'm not careful I'll end up watching the Prequels again or something. I wish we were still in the days where I could go and buy a Star Wars video game, but as far as I know we don't have so much as an announcement for even a Lego The Last Jedi. What is a hopeless Star Wars fan to do?

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