Oh hey you guys, I just watched this really old movie called The Empire Strikes Back, and, I don't know, I guess it was fine if you like that kind of thing, but personally I can't enjoy a movie that has so many PUHLAAAAAWTHOOOOOLES.
- It starts off with Luke riding around this dangerous ice planet on some dumb muppet or something, and then, almost immediately, he gets clobbered by a giant ice monster. Yet it's clearly shown that there are big floating snow cars back at their base, so why wouldn't he just be driving one of those around? What an obvious contrivance. Oh, but I guess we're just supposed to ignore Saturday morning cartoon level writing like that, right? Psh.
- Luke is left hanging from the icy ceiling of the monster's cave (I guess the monster has ice powers too? Gimme a break...), and we see him struggle to pull his lightsabre to him. Struggle! Wookieepedia clearly states that it has been three years since A New Hope; are we to believe he still hasn't mastered this simplest of Jedi techniques all that time later?
- Why would the Empire land so far away from the Rebel base? They could just have dropped their AT-ATs closer and they would have easily killed all the Rebels. And why would they use walking machines that have such long legs that could be tripped so easily? It doesn't take a genius to know the Rebels would just try and knock them over. They should have used tanks.
- So Luke just accidentally lands right next to Yoda's hut on Dagobah? A whole planet, and he hits not just the right continent, not just the right post code, but like ten feet away? That's too unbelievable, I'm sorry.
- WHOSE IDEA WAS IT TO HAVE THEM FLY INTO A SPACE WORM? What a waste of time! What, they just accidentally fly in and then fly straight out again? It adds nothing to the movie. Ugh.
- Luke goes into a spooky cave full of snakes (uh, shouldn't they be alien species? What is this just on Earth or something?) and fights Darth Vader in slow motion like it's The Matrix or something. Star Wars doesn't use slow motion. Didn't they even watch A New Hope?
- Alright, the dumbest part of all: Han Solo tricks the whole Empire by just landing on the back of a Star Destroyer and nobody is clever enough to work out what's going on? He's right there! You could just look out the space window and see him! I can't believe they expect us to believe the Empire would fall for such a stupid trick.
- There just happens to be a planet nearby for Han Solo to reach, that just happens to be run by an old friend of his. Yeah, OK, whatever. But did this planet also have to be the slapstick comedy planet, where C-3PO gets sworn at by a silver C-3PO, and then some gross little goblins play keepaway when Chewie tries to pick up all his bodyparts? Threepio ruins literally every scene with his stupid 'comedy' lines. Even when Han Solo is getting frozen he just yaps away about how he can't see. It totally goes against the tone of the scene.
- Why would Darth Vader blast Luke out that window when he was trying to keep him alive to bring him to the Emperor? And why didn't he just Force Pull Luke back up to the platform after Luke jumped off? He should have just got someone to bring him the schematics of Cloud City to see where that shaft led so he could go and get Luke.
- And then, what, Luke saves himself by just calling out to Leia? Like the Force is a walkie talkie or something? Talk about your deus ex machinas. Oh, and they just give him a new hand at the end? What was the point of him losing it, then?
So yeah, I mean, I guess it had strong characters and enjoyable writing and you could conceivably have a fun time if you just turned your brain off, but if you judge it by the only parameter that matters, which is of course whether the nitty-gritty details of its plot are 100% airtight when exposed to scrutiny, you'll see it clearly falls well short. Y'know, these blockbuster movies are so lazy these days, just sold to the slobbering masses who want their popcorn and their special effects. I'm sorry, but I like a bit of effort put into my movies.