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[Ocelot]

It's here again, you guys! Can you believe it? Doesn't it seem like only yesterday that we all gathered for our favourite time of the year? Christmas in June? The giant expo that we all swear isn't just a marketing stunt so we can feel better about ourselves and pretend we aren't just wasting our lives running in the corporate treadmills that power the private jets of the 1%? It's going to be a big one this year, you guys. I can feel it. I know I say that every year, but, well, it's important to get yourself used to people lying to you before you go into this thing.

 

Here's what's on the docket for this year's D3:

 

EA: No, wait, come back! Sometimes EA has some interesting stuff, right? Anthem looks OK in these innocent moments before we find out exactly what its microtransaction economy is going to look like. Don't you want to see all the Lizard Men who run EA desperately pretending to be normal humans, with their professionally coached hand gestures and manufactured demeanours? No? Please don't make me watch this one alone, you guys.

 

Microsoft: This is the place for those hawt, platform-agnostic third-party trailers: Battlesfield, Tom Braider, AssCreedyssey, and maybe even a little game by the name of Cyberpunk 2077, perhaps. They've got that Ori sequel, that backwards compatibility goodness, and probably a Halo/Forza/Gears of some kind. Our ol' pal Phil Spencer has been talking a big game about getting some big exciting exclusives happening again, so hopefully that translates to some bombshells.

 

Bethesda: These utter madmen have hit upon the insane idea of announcing games at E3 and then releasing them that same year, the nutters, so this is one of the few shows where you can actually get excited about what you're seeing without having to remind yourself you won't play it for another five years. The developers of Prey have been teasing super hard, and we know there are new Fallouts and Rages coming. Maybe a Doom tease? Maybe a Skyrim? I don't know.

 

Square-Enix: They say that Kingdom Hearts 3 will be out this year. They say that Final Fantasy VII Remake will be out... eventually. I'm not sure I believe them on either, but at least they should have some new trailers, right? At the very least, they have a lot of good IPs they can farm out to developers who actually know how to make video games on time; maybe a new Nier? Maybe a Just Cause? Maybe they'll unkill Deus Ex?

 

Ubisoft: Beyond Good & Evil 2 exists, Assassin's Creed is back to being good again, and there are rumblings of a new Splinter Cell on the horizon. They're probably going to waste a lot of time on Just Dancing and some VR rubbish, but then there might be some neat new Nintendo crossover for the Switch, too. Who knows with these guys?

 

Sony: They're promising deep dives into Death Stranding, Ghosts of Tsushima, The Last of Us 2 and Spider-Man, but realistically we're probably going to see all but Spider-Man at next E3, too, so keep that hype in check because it's a slow burn. But definitely don't keep your hype in check for the one, the only, the DEFINITELY HAPPENING THIS YEAR: Devil. May. Cry. FIVE. It's happening, and it's probably happening at Sony barring some kind of hail mary moneyhat manoeuvre on Microsoft's part. I'm just going to warn you ahead of time that I'm going to literally explode when it happens. And I know you think I'm using the word 'literally' incorrectly there, but I AM NOT.

 

Nintendo: The agony of the Wii U is over, the Switch is in full swing, and we're ready to love again. Ready to live again. They're making a Metroid Prime 4 and a Bayonetta 3 and we're probably going to see'em both! We'll Poke a Man, we'll Smash a Brother, and Retro Studios is apparently making a Star Fox racing game, so don't you tell me Nintendo's too predictable these days because NOBODY saw that one coming.

 

Let's do this, you guys! They still hold these things at 3am in my time zone, and last year I learnt that I'm too old to interrupt my sleep cycle to watch them without feeling like absolute heinous garbage the next day, but I'm doing it anyway! Tell me what you're most hyped about in these scant few hours before the world ends and begins anew! Here's the customary time zone chart for all the big shows that I've stolen from somewhere, and you can bet I'll be here with links to live streams when everything starts happening:

 

[Ocelot]

I had to do the thread a little bit early this year, since E3 2018 has proven to be such a leaky ship that the announcements are spilling out all over the place already, so to kick us off with an opening salvo of E3 NEWS:

 

Steam itself has leaked Just Cause 4:

 

 

Hitman 2 is coming to PS4/Xbox One and PC this November, as a full-priced, everything-in-the-box release rather than the episodic model they went with last time:

 

 

Microsoft themselves have confirmed that Crackdown 3 is delayed into February 2019...

 

...which puts it head to head with Sony's Day's Gone, now dated for February 22nd next year:

 

 

Avalanche has announced a new IP called Generation Zero, which looks kind of like a co-op Far Cry set in '80s Sweden, where you fight robots amongst Volvos and Saabs:

 

[DeadFire87]

Should be interesting. There is even a rumor of a new Duke Nukem game at Microsofts conference. Could be a reasonable reason for Borderlands 3 to hold back on getting any E3 spotlight.

Bethesda could have Starfield that mystical space rpg title that people have been wondering about.

EA Motives new ip should be almost ready to show off. Or maybe a new Dragon Age.

I don't know what EA has planned for Star Wars. I doubt they have much of anything to show off in that department, but they might.

Sega is rumored to be developing Vanquish 2 as a timed Xbox exclusive.

Ubisoft undoubtedly has Watch Dogs 3. 1 and 2 are probably the best games of online hide and seek.

Square also has that Avengers game under wraps.

I expect increasing 3rd party support on Switch at E3 this year. That and a N 64 classic.

Sony could feature Horizon 2 or Killzone as well.

WB Neatherealm studio has to have Mortal Kombat 11 as well. Since injustice 2 was released awhile back.

Devil May Cry 5 seems like a 200 percent chance to be revealed I believe. Every thing else that has been leaked seems to be legitimate.

[Ocelot]

Boys and girls, we are less than six hours away from E3 2018! I'm going to try and go to sleep, so I can wake up at TWO IN THE MORNING and freeze to death while I watch this stupid EA show that's going to be terrible anyway, and you beautiful champions are more than welcome to be right there with me.

 

I don't have any links yet, but I'll be back in time so we don't miss a MOMENT of this utter trash!

[Maverick-Werewolf]

I can't livestream E3 due to internet usage restrictions...

 

But rest assured I will be here watching Ocey's live updates. Ocey, you're such a lifesaver.

[DeadFire87]

Unravel 2 was trademarked so I expect EA to show that off at their conference.

[Ocelot]

HERE WE GOOOOOOO

 

 

Twelve minutes and some change until EEEE THREEEEEE!

 

EDIT - This young lady on the EA pre-show stream has suuuuch a thick Aussie accent. Listen to the way she pronounces the word "so" with an "r" in it. SOORRRYOU....

 

EDIT - You know that feeling when it's 2am on a Winter's night and you've just set yourself an alarm to pull yourself out of bed to watch a stupid show about video games, and you're wondering why you do these things, and you also know you're going to have to do it for the next three days, too?

 

This had better be good, EA.

 

EDIT - Breaking News: Ryan Gosling's less attractive cousin just showed up two minutes before EA's show is set to start. I mean, not really, but this guy does look very Gosling-y.

[Rune Walsh]

It's go time!

CG Monsterman crawled out of the screen, and some CG Spacemans flew out to shoot it a bit.

Because Anthem, I guess?

[Ocelot]

E3 is GOOOOOO!

 

The first shot of E3 was a soccer field. That's how you know we're watching EA's thing.

 

Wait, now there's some kind of 3D holographic... thing? For Anthem?

 

EDIT - I suppose EA is going for a smaller-scale thing this year? It doesn't look like they have a stage, just a young lady with a microphone walking around in the crowd. I didn't catch her name, but I'm guessing she's some kind of Youtube influencer. She's doing pretty well, to be honest. Definitely seems like an actual human, not one of the EA Pod People.

 

Now some Swedes are here to tell us how they've levolved Battlefield.

 

EDIT - "You will be able to customise your weapons, not only for de gameplay but for de looks" - An E3 Swede

 

EDIT - This Battlefield guy just got a cheeky round of applause for saying "No lootboxes, no Season Pass", which I'm mildly disgusted by. "Hey, we aren't going to screw you as badly as we tried to in last year's game. PRAISE US!"

 

Also there's a Battle Royale mode in Battlefield, in case you hadn't guessed.

[Rune Walsh]

Battlefield V has no lootboxes. But it does have Battle Royale.

 

And now there's some FIFA?

[Ocelot]

I think they just showed a trailer for Battlefield V's singleplayer, but honestly I'm not really sure. I don't know these things these days; it could just have been some more-story-y-than-average multiplayer mode or something. It looked pretty, though.

 

Now we're doing SAAAAAWWWWWKKKKKEEEEERRRRRR.

 

The camera pans over the crowd to show that they're all sitting in white plastic folding lawn chairs, just so you know EA really went above and beyond this year.

 

EDIT - Early contender for Name of E3: this Soccer lady named Lina Ingvarsdottir.

 

EDIT - Ooh, Accent of E3, too. I might have just fallen in love...

 

EDIT - This guy just pulled an excellent trick here. He delivered a clap line, recognised that he definitely wasn't going to get any claps, and continued so smoothly it almost sounded seamless. I wonder if they have to factor that in when they give these people media training. Like, "OK, people should clap here, but always keep in mind that they actively hate you because we're a terrible company".

[Ocelot]

Heeeeey, it's our buddy, the Head Lizard Man! The one with the Australian accent!

 

Today he's wearing what he thinks is a non-threatening, "I'm just one of the guys" sweater, but his several-hundred dollar haircut and blindingly shiny silver wristwatch spoil the illusion. Also the fact that he is CLEARLY A LIZARD MAN!

 

EDIT - He's talking about Origin Access Premier, which I suppose is a higher tier of their current subscription service that'll give you access to new games on day one. Which... could be cool? I suppose it depends on how much it costs.

 

EDIT - Vince Zampella just happened to be sitting in the crowd for a definitely un-scripted interview, and he's announced that Respawn's Star Wars game is entitled Jedi: Fallen Order. It's super dark, you guys, he swears. Set between Episodes 3 and 4. Holiday 2019, which is to say February 2020 if it doesn't get soft-cancelled to rebuild with microtransactions like a certain other Star Wars game HEM HEM.

[Rune Walsh]

Did you guys want some Star War? Because there might be some Star War.

 

EDIT: There might not be some Star War.

 

EDIT: There is a Star War, but I guess it's the one that already exists?

 

 

There is no Star War in Ba Sing Se.

[Ocelot]

Oh no, EA is forcing this man to come out on stage and personally apologise for everything they forced Dice to put into Battlefront 2 last year.

 

EDIT - He's listing off a bunch of things they're going to add to Battlefront 2, and all of them reaaaaally sound like things that should have been there from the start. Oh, but don't worry, because they're adding new content from The Clone Wars. General Grievous is there. He actually mentioned Obi Wan and Grievous in the same sentence and didn't do the meme; maybe I should be happy about that, though.

 

EDIT - Forget your stupid Star Wars, it's time for YARNY! Unravel 2, boyeeee! Did that first game even come out? I honestly haven't thought about Yarny since like four E3s ago, but I think this is that same nervous guy from the first game's announcement! HE'S STILL ADORABLY NERVOUS!

[Rune Walsh]

And then they just killed the little Yarn Guy.

[Ocelot]

Now there's a BLUE Yarny for co-op, and if his name isn't Blarney then I'm boycotting this game forever.'

 

EDIT - OH NOOOO! When you play this game singleplayer the blue Yarny is still there, but you can 'pick him up' to play as just one guy, and when you do it he unravels and threads all his yarn in between your yarn threads, and it was horrific. Also this game looks bad, just in case you were wondering.

 

EDIT - Still Yarny, you guys. Still. Yarny. An opening trailer, ten minutes of live demo, then a closing trailer. For Yarny. Or whatever this game's name is. We get it, you swing from yarn ropes. Bruh.

[Rune Walsh]

But you did get how the yarn was a metaphor for love? Did you get that part?

 

Oh, and the game is out right now, I guess???

[Ocelot]

Here's the guy who named his kid Luigi. He says that Unravel 2 is finished and will be available tomorrow. Although, if you'd just seen as much Yarny as I have, I don't think you'd actually need to play the full game.

 

EDIT - The absolute most German woman in the world is here to tell us about a new indie game, end her eccsent is ebsolutely wunderbar. I didn't catch her name, but she definitely has the best accent of E3 so far.

 

EDIT - She did not just say "The goal is to bring all those emotions into bell-ends", did she? Did she just say that? There's no way she just said that, right?

 

EDIT - BALANCE! She said balance. Boy that's an accent and a half

[Rune Walsh]

EDIT - She did not just say "The goal is to bring all those emotions into bell-ends", did she? Did she just say that? There's no way she just said that, right?

 

I honestly couldn't tell you, because I couldn't make out a word she said.

And that trailer certainly didn't clear things up.

 

 

And now it is basketball.

 

EDIT; Are they trailering eSports?

[Ocelot]

Hang on there, the Basketball just turned into NFL. Did... wait, huh?

 

OOH, I HOPE YOU LIKE SCRIPTED BANTER!

 

These two guys on stage just greeted eachother with a hand-squeeze half-bro-hug thing, and when their palms touched it made a perfect "PUP" sound. I bet that will be the most interesting thing that happens in this segment.

 

EDIT - Apparently you get one of those giant wrestling belts if you win the Football videogame competition. This guy on stage skipped his (high school?) graduation ceremony to compete in a Madden tournament, a choice that the other man described as "awesome". But... was it awesome? Was it really awesome?

 

I think Michael K Williams is narrating this Feetball trailer.